The Perfect Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet drink with a chocolate bar, the calories in the chocolate bar are cancelled out by the diet drink.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel, eg. Fruit Gums, buttered popcorn, pizza, hot dogs, crisps and Poppets.
7. Broken biscuits contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories, eg. spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.

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