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Manchester's Bid To Stage The 2004 Olympic Games
In an attempt to influence the members of the international
Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
organisers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule
of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below:
Opening Ceremony
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a
native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional
balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip-pan situated on the roof
of the stadium.
The Events
In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Mancunian athletes.
100 Metres Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven
(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 Metres Hurdles
As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences walls etc).
Hammer
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish
to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event
The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery
man.
Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,
and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country
on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy
riding and arson.
The Marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be
issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
round the course.
Swimming
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal.
The first three survivors back, will decide the medals.
Men's 50Km Walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.
The Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of
the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be
extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top
floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then
boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper
piping and the central heating boiler.
Drugs Testing
Drugs testing will occur - any athlete found without traces of a
class A drug will be disqualified immediately.
Late News
Apparently Liverpool are set to put in a bid too, very similar to
the above but with the pentathlon modified to include: killing a spouse; digging
a hole; burying the body; laying a patio; and the strangely named "calming
down" contest. Participation in the pentathlon is restricted to lesbians
only.
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