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Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet.
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Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself.
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Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
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If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm
cheap!"
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You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!"
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According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful.
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In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to
women's breasts?
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle
maintenance.
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We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the
general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy
over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose
your rest home.
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There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?
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The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent
because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from
semi-automatics to uzis.
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Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris.
Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
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There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think,
"I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a
plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that
floor. I told him he was grounded.
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Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband
forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't
admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in.
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that
the Vatican has overlooked.
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I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
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When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street.
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After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?"
And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and give her a house.
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The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house.