The Nervous Priest

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "It may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly".

The new priest put the new suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon his return to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father Brian,

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
7. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "Eat me".
8. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
9. The recommended grace between meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub - Yeah God".
10. We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "JC and the boys".
11. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
12. The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are not known as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook".
13. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
14. Last but not least, The Virgin Mary should never be referred to as "Mary With The Cherry".

Yours Gracefully,
Monsignor

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