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Weight Watchers - Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble
at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking
thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
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Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack
up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any
of them.
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Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning
her up and telling her.
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Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class
Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the
girls.
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If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
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Housewives - When nipping out to the shops, remember to
carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken
glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
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Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
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Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.
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Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the
bath.
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Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all
their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
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Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in
your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
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Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get
pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at
you over the fence.
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Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
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X-Files fans - Create the effect of being abducted by aliens
by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
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Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any
cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
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Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by
simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr. KVL 741Y
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Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to the object you wish to view.
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Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus
arriving fully refreshed and on time.
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Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your
fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to
sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
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Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
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Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in
the direction of oncoming traffic. - D.Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
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When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH
directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the
wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
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Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful
of lard.
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Anorexics - When your knees become fatter than your legs,
start eating cakes again.
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A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes
an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
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Hijackers - Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to
your intended destination in the first place.
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Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of
air over any that you catch in the act.
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Sweetcorn fans - Save money on loo paper by simply pouring
the stuff straight down the pan.
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Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black
eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
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Manchester United fans - Save money on expensive new kits by
simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to
all, as to your allegiance.
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Manchester United fans - Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your
right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
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Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat
by simply pissing in the sink.
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Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit
of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc "tastes exactly like the real thing", they won't
know any difference.
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Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since
you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell
them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
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Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take
your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can "stay mounted" for.
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Drivers - Pressing the headlight switch for a second time
dips the buggers.
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HGV drivers - When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane
to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.