Gryphon's Jokes

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One or two things are a bit rude, but I took out anything I thought was really bad. Don't be offended by the sexist jokes, they are just fun and do not represent the views of Gryphon or me (and both sexes are attacked so its sort of fair). Here is all of the stuff that it is suitable for publication:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.  He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the
table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.  After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around thetable for his surprise birthday party.

Year 2000 Calendar

    Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section
of forest whilst assesing the damage done by a forest fire.   The
deceased male was found dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with dive
tank, flippers and face mask.   A post mortem examination revealed that
the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification.
    Investigators the set out determining how a fully-clad diver ended
up in the middle of a forest fire.   It was revealed that, on the day of
the fire, the person went for a diving trip up the coast - some 20 miles
from the forest.
    The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as
possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets.
The buckets were dropped into the ocean for very rapid filling, then
flown to the forest fire and emptied.
    You guessed it!   One minute our diver was making like flipper in
the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire bucket
300m in the air.   Apparently, he extinguished excactly 1.78m (5'-10")
of the fire.
 

Just stay in bed.

    In 1976, a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing
the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung
over it's roof.
    The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road,
another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter.   It too drove
on.
    As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a
delivery van plowed through the crowd,  leaving in it's wake three
injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan.
    When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and
only one person was hit - Bob Finnegan.   In the space of only two
minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg,
and other assorted injuries.
    Hospital officials said he would recover.

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive
cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she
told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you
cat food without proof that you have a cat.  A lot of old people buy cat
food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food
for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to
the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of  the most
expensive dog cookies, one for each day of Christmas.  The cashier this
time demanded proof that she now had a dog,
claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.  Frustrated she went
home, came back and brought in her dog.  She was then given the dog
cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old
lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.  The cashier
said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that
would bite her.  So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled
it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like *crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please
buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

CHINESE PROVERBS:

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who walk thru airport turn stile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chop stick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite finger nails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

TOP 10 SIGNS OF "JOB BURN-OUT"

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to
    Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you
   immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn
   questions!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go
   back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
   Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your
   pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID
   badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in
   jail right now.

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then
asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is
much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching theworld go by from her
front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella
said
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied
"Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met,
I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart
still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and
almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the
porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said
"Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The Fairy Godmother replied
"It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said:
"I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again"
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that      had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke
"You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said:
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young
man"
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of
which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall
from the sky a this feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke:
"Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few
eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella
sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and
into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his
warm breath,
"I bet you regret having my knackers chopped off now, don't you?"

Useful definitions to help both sexes understand each other.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male : The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male : Playing cricket without a box.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male : A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male : Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with your
mates.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male : Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male : Sex

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male : An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male : What a women does while you are ******** her.

One to incite feminists everywhere!
FEMALE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of
19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.
Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October
1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,Pontefract, and
successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14minutes later.
There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining
cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without
asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990,
when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'.
 She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he
a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level
of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins
38 secs of 633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313
miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a
Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her
journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear
wheels.  This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey
with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August  and
2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy
Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose
between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale.  After one hour,
her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands,
told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return
the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it.
 Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting
September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in
Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going
home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is
98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th
1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16
lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way
skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a
full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over
a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout  the hall, claiming 39 old
women.  The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary caterham (gb) and Mrs. Marjorie steele (gb) sat in a kitchen in
Blackburn, Lancs. And talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months
from 1st may to 7th august 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet
visits.  Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither
woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.  The outdoor record for talking about
nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (gb) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly booth
(gb) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered
on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until
Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped
round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs.
Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the
butcher.  After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began
to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128
people of the news.  By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon,
2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic society, several
knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and
the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs.  Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night,
Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people,
enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is
held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton.  At their
annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October
12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately
followed by 146 other members of the party.  Moving as a mass, the group entered
the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37
mins later.
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute
barrier for talking without drawing breath.  Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley,
smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an
argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour.  She ranted on for a
staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue
and collapsing in a heap on the ground.  She was taken to  Radcliffe Infirmary
in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her
mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute,
repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her
neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted.  The last third of the
sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being
mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency
forms in the section for listing father's details.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by [name
removed].  I am sure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe
that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out
of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a
party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that
night.  I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage
to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now
has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can
contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming
that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would
blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British
economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country please
advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to
me.  I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

[name given] is the father of child A.  If you do catch up with him can you ask
him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it
really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is
Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening.  If I'd have
stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given]
mine might have remained unfertilised.

IT Jobs!!

Immediate Requirements:

Bullshitter (3 month contract)
-----------------------
Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of doing
jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix environment.
Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and waffle in a
technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an
advantage. CBE (Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.

Liar (6 month contract)
-----------------------
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You Must be able to
claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford or Cambridge,
and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually exist. You will also
be required to make up stories or explanations On the hop, so experience of
police work will be considered favourably.  Ties and/or certificates are
provided to add convincing "colour" to the
Successful applicant's statements.

Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
-----------------------------------------
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities:
(1) A stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard
(2) fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's
(3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else
Or
(4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks.
The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience not
essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.

Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
--------------------------------------------------
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six pages
of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum of 150
years. In addition, they must also be able to claim involvement with hobbies
which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into a lifestyle which
included, for example, sleeping or eating. The successful applicant will have no
real skills in any category whatsoever, but candidates will be considered
providing they do not know anything about C++ programming or Project Management.

Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate Their
ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful candidate will
be asked to break something during the interview, preferably in a way which the
interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely likely.
E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
---------------------------------------------------------
Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will have no
experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the internet, good
taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over content will also
be important.  You should have current experience in gross over-charging and
hoodwinking scrupulous clients.  You will work with a bunch of other opinionated
irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages with as many 'broken
links' and loose ends as time and money allow.

Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
----------------------------------------------------------
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support and
maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be used to show
why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with a complete lack of
awareness regarding arse-covering.
You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel
from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to
ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.

Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
--------------------------------------
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East Of Scotland,
to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee machine, three
months photocopying and general administration and a minimum of one year
"between assignments".

Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
----------------------------------------------------
Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is provided for
suitable applicants.
Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses sought to a assist busy,
interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A bad memory and/or dyslexia
will be advantageous.

Tip #1: SHORT PEOPLE! Don't get blown away in high winds, fill your pockets with
bags of penny coins.
Tip #2: INVENTORS! Create two pairs of shoes with really enormously large
springs at the bottom of them, and prove once and for all that a cow can jump
over the moon.
Tip #3: MOTORISTS! Save petrol on your car journeys by pushing your car to its
destination. Invariably passers by will think you have broken down and help.
Tip #4: OTHER MOTORISTS! Make people think you have an expensive car phone!
Simply call them, ask them to repeat everything they say and then hang up half
way through their reply.
Tip #5: PHOTOSHOP USERS! Protect those design nixers at work from prying eyes by
simply adding a spoof Layer which looks like a more legit looking job!
Tip #6: SAVE TIME AT THE MORGUE! Simply pre-fix a luggage tag to your big toe
and write your name, blood group and address on it. But remember to leave a
space for the cause of death.
Tip #7: STUDENTS! Emphasise your individuality by all wearing the same clothes,
having exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle your subsidised
Heino that us taxpayers provide.

Car Acronyms
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Born Moderately Wealthy
Brings Me Women
Fiat
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology · Feeble Italian Attempt at
Transportation
Hyundai
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
MG
Money Guzzler
Porsche
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

The Top 20 Cool Things About a Car That Goes Faster Than The Speed of
Light
1. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00 am.
2. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
3. Breaking the laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
4. Never in a car long enough to hear an entire Spice Girls song.
5. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.
6. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
7. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
8. LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.
9. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole while driving home
from work.
10. You'll be so thing while driving it you can evern wear horizontal stripes.
11. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
12. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhDs in quantum physics.
13. Bugs never see you comin'.
14. You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
15. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan: "It's there before you
order, or it's free!".
16. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse suspicions
of Liz Hurley.
17. License plate: "Me=mc^2"
18. Cigarette butts don't land in the back seat - they land in last week.
19. The more you drive, the younger you get.
20. Chicks dig it.

And a classic oldie, the joke equivalkent of a Jaguar E-type! If
Microsoft Built Cars
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept
this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to
restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd
accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bout a "Car
95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would
make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, five times as fast,
twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars
which would make their cars go much slower. 7. The oil, engine, gas and
alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault"
warning light. 8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft
cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many
years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the
packaging would be superb.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 11. The airbag
system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 12. If you were involved in a
crash, you would have no idea what happened. 13. They wouldn't build their own
engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would
have 1 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a
side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. 14. There would be
an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing
roads.
15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only
be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of
course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads,
all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including
IBM.
17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you
would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and
on more roads!
18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your
friends, and then copy it.
19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a
few days before it worked.
20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each
other.

__________________________________d_i_d___y_o_u___k_n_o_w_?
STRANGE BUT TRUE...
"Bone china" gets its name from the process of mixing powdered animal bone with
the clay makes this china and gives the china a special translucency, strength,
and whiteness.
Many people think the clock in Westminster's House Of Parliment is called "Big
Ben." Actually, the nickname originally applied to the huge bell in the clock,
not to the clock itself. So there.
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents
in, what happens to the other penny?
OK, what's the speed of dark?
What is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?

AND WORDS WE CAN'T HELP THINKING ABOUT...
Part six: Words beginning with "E"
# ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the
rear-view mirror.
# EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you in the
cinema who, no matter what direction you lean in, always follow suit.
# ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvering for one
armrest in a cinema.
# ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you
press a lift (elevator) button, the faster it will arrive.

__________________________________c_o_n_s_u_l_t_a_n_t_s
"Internet Gurus For Dummies"
Lesson two: "Developing your mystique..."
Now that you have a name, you'll need a bit of mystique. This is all-important,
because it is the only thing you can live off for the next five years or the IPO
(whichever's sooner).
You will need a website with a decent slogan (and "We Discovered the Internet"
doesn't count), plus a "Coming Soon" notice and a mysterious logo. Scan in some
of the pictures from the old book you bought in last week's lesson. Scan in some
other pictures you like. Stick them together in the latest version of Photoshop.
Fiddle around until you get a nice montage. Check that it doesn't look too much
like the pictures in your magazines.
Don't forget to include your company's mysterious name (which should always
start it with an "e-", for example "E-verything", "E-lastic"). But try to find a
short name (try "E-go" or "E-Jit"). The rule is this: the more pretentious a
corporate name, the smaller the organisation (e.g. The Murphy Centre for
Codification of Human and Organisational Law, contrasted to IBM, AT&T etc...)
Next, track down some really loud Hawaiian shirts in your local Oxfam shop. Buy
an IBM Thinkpad (remember to get a really battered-looking old second-hand
model, to make you look like an "early adopter"). Borrow Esther Dyson's book
from the library and make a note of the chapter headings. Read and memorise
Nicholas Negroponte's books.
By this stage people might be thinking that you are hearing little voices inside
your head telling you what to do. Don't panic. That's ridiculous (and it's just
a sign that you're gradually becoming a guru). Anyway, it's more like a movie
really, with these little hamster fellas holding up flipcharts and Powerpoint
slides and other visual aids. You know, whatever they have to use...

Fatherly Advice
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad!
Mom!  I have some great news for you!  I am getting married to the
most beautiful girl in town.  She lives a block away and her name is
Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside.  "Son, I have to talk
with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.  She's a
wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.  Susan is
actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken.  After eight months he eventually started
dating girls again.  A year later he came home and very proudly
announced, "Dianne said yes!  We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news.  "Dianne is your half-sister too, William.  I'm awfully
sorry about this."

William was furious!  He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news.

"Dad has done so much harm.  I guess I'm never going to get married,"
he complained.  "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is
my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head.  "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear.  He's not really your father!"
========================================================================
Slow Down!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

There's this guy riding in the back of a taxi. He suddenly notices
that his driver is not even slowing down for the upcoming red light,
and together they speed straight through the busy intersection, on
red.

"Hey, you just ran a red light!" the passenger shouts nervously.
"Relax, man, my brother does it all the time," is the cabby's laid
back response.

A minute later, the driver does the same thing again, right through
another major intersection. "You did it again!!" the passenger cries
in fear. "Man, would ya' quit worrying? I'm telling you, my brother
does it all the time."

A block further on, the same story. Another major intersection
passes like a blur as the cab goes speeding through the red light.
The passenger is growing frantic by now. "You just ran three red
lights in a row without even slowing down!!!" he whines, now white as
a ghost. "Look man, would you just relax? I'm telling you, it's cool.
My brother does it all the time."

But just as these words are leaving his lips, the cabby begins
slowing to a stop. By now the passenger is truly confused, since
the light just ahead is bright green. "The light's green, so why on
earth are we stopping now?" moans the passenger, exasperated. "Oh,
this is the part of town where my brother lives." replies the
cabby.
========================================================================
Real Answers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people, I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.
========================================================================
Short Ones
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When the wealthy woman entered heaven, she was given a bicycle to
ride. Pedaling along, she saw her maid go by in a Cadillac.  Her
gardener went by in a Rolls Royce.  Very upset, she went to the
proper authority and asked why her maid and gardener had more
luxurious transportation than she did.  She was told, "The kind of
transportation you are assigned in heaven depends on how good a
Christian you were on earth."

Later she returned to the authority laughing.  "What's so funny?"
she was asked.  "Yesterday I saw my pastor going by on a pair of
roller skates!"
========================================================================
These two women were riding in a car and one of them kept clearing
her throat.  Finally, she says, "I don't know what's wrong with me.
I must have a frog in my throat."

The other woman says, "Well don't swallow it.  They're fattening."
========================================================================
This young boy asks his grandmother how old she is.  She answers, 'You
aren't supposed to ask a lady that."  So the boy says, "Well then, how
much do you weigh?"  The grandmother says, "You aren't supposed to ask
a lady that either.  Go get the candy out of my purse and then go
outside to play."

A little while later, the boy comes back and tells her, "Grandma, I
know how old you are and how much you weigh, 'cause I found your
driver's license.  And Grandma. . . you got an F  in sex!"
========================================================================
Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.  I
went horseback riding.  Everything was going fine until the horse
starts bouncing out of control.  I tried with all my might to hang on,
but was thrown off.  Just when things could not possibly get worse, my
foot gets caught in the stirrup.  When this happened, I fell head
first to the ground.  My head continued to bounce harder as the horse
did not stop or even slow down.  Just as I was giving up hope and
losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.
========================================================================
The highway patrolman sported a car driving dangerously slow on a
much-traveled freeway.  He pulled it over and found the driver to be
an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers.

"Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as
speeders.  You need to try to keep the speed limit."  "But I always
keep the speed limit," replied the lady.  "I was doing the speed limit
when you stopped me."  The officer asked, "What do you think the limit
is on this road?"  The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw
the sign, U.S. High-way 22."  "But lady," warned the officer, "that is
the highway number, not the speed limit" The lady was very apologetic
and, of course, no ticket was given.  The officer noticed that all the
passengers seemed pale and had a frightened look in their eyes.  As he
turned to leave the car, wondering if his presence had been the
problem, he turned again and said to the driver, "Lady, are you sure
all your passengers are OK?"

"Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned off
Highway 120."
========================================================================
WARNING - THIS JOKE HAS FOUL LANGUAGE - WARNING

Three Duffers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three duffers were taking lessons from a pro.

The first hit it way to the right.

The pro said,  "It's due to LOFT."

The second hit way to the left.

The pro again said, "It's due to LOFT."

The third trying and the ball just went a few feet and stopped.

The pro said,  "LOFT."

All three questioned the pro about LOFT

He replied, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."
========================================================================
Who's Calling?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.

"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."

"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"

"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"

"No, this is Knott."

"Please tell me your name."

"Will Knott."

Whereupon they both hung up.
========================================================================
Brother John
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest
said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as
long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do
so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief
Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now,
you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a
better bed."

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may
say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him
that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again
called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I Quit," said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done
since you got here is complain."
========================================================================
My Son's
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Laquisha went into the welfare office so she could receive money for
her children. The social worker says, "Ma'am I need you to fill out
this form and list each of your children separately on these lines."
Laquisha agrees and returns the next day with her paper work, each
line filled out. The social worker looks at her form puzzled and
says, "Ma'am, I don't think you understood, I needed you to put a
different child on each line." Laquisha responds, "Yes, I did."

"Well, ma'am," says the social worker, "every line says 'Leroy.'"

"Yes," says Laquisha, "all my children have the same name."

"Well what if you want them to come in for dinner?"

"I just yell 'Leroy!' out the window and the all come in."

"Well, what if you only want one of them?"

"That's simple, I just call them by their last name."
========================================================================
God Knows
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and
don't  know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how
to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he
swims  across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God
turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows
across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all,
so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
========================================================================
True Aging Process
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly notices that her mother has
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her dark
brunette
hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
========================================================================
The Nun
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he
replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you
have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on
the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the
nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party.
========================================================================
Q: How do you keep your spouse from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename your mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
========================================================================

German Lesson
 

Dog:
Barkenpantensniffer

Dog Catcher:
Barkenpantensniffersnatcher

Dog Catcher's Truck:
Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen

Garage for Truck:
Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus

Truck Repairman:
Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerker

Mechanic's Union:
Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerkerfeatherbeddengefixengruppe

Doctor:
Chestergethumpenpulsentooker

Nurse:
Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper

Hypodermic Needle:
Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtensticker

Backside:
Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtenstickerstabbenplatz

Piano:
Plinkenplankenplunkenbox

Pianist:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder

Piano Stool:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderspinnenseat

Piano Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspelle

Fathers at the Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe

Mothers at the Recital:
Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozenuppenuppenwakers

Automobile:
Honkenbrakenscreecher

Gasoline:
Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen

Driver:
Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker

Auto Mechanic:
Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepingersputtergefixer

Repair Bill:
Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste

You HAVE to sing this to get the full effect....

DOUGH   the stuff that buys me beer
RAY     the guy that sells me beer
ME  the guy.who drinks the beer,
FAR     the distance to my beer.
SO  I think I'll have a beer.
LA  La, la la la la beer
TEA.    no thanks I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...

(Looks into an empty glass)

D'OH!

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

I.T. DEFINITIONS FOR RURAL AUSTRALIA.
 

     * log on - make the barbie hotter
     * log off - don't add any more wood
     * monitor - keep eye on barbie
     * floppy disk - what you get from trying to carry too much firewood
     * window - what you shut when it's cold outside
     * screen - what you shut in mosquito season
     * chip - a bar snack
     * micro chip - what's left in the bag after you eat the chips
     * modem - what you did to the hay fields
     * Dot Matrix - old Dan Matrix's wife
     * software - the plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster
     * hardware - the real stainless steel cutlery
     * mainframe - what holds the shed up
     * website - the shed or under the verandah * cursor - someone who
     swears
     * server - the sheila at the hotel who brings the counter lunch
     * mail server - the bloke at the hotel who brings the counter lunch
     * user - the neighbour who keeps borrowing stuff
     * online - when you get the laundry hung out
     * offline - when the pegs let go and the washing falls on the ground,
     which is what I'm going to do now.

     HEAVEN'S GATES

     Once upon a time there was a rich man from Ballsbridge who was near
     death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his
     money, he'd stored it away in offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands,
     and naturally enough he wanted to be able to take it with him to
     heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his
     wealth with him.

     An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, I know you're
     from Dublin 4 and all that but you can't take your wealth with you.
     Rules is rules." The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He
     might bend the rules, and he prayed and prayed and prayed that his
     wealth might follow him.

     The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to
     allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man went to
     his local bank branch, cashed in all his dosh and got them to turn it
     into pure gold bars (you have to be a special customer of course, but
     he was). He took down his largest suitcase and filled it with the gold
     bars and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterwards, especially after
     all these exertions running to and fro with the gold bars of course,
     he died and showed up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St Peter.

     St Peter, seeing the suitcase, said: "Hold on a second pal, I don't
     care if you're from Dublin 4 - you can't bring that in here!" The man
     explained to St Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify
     his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St Peter checked, came back and
     said, "You're right, Mister. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
     supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

     St Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
     found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought...
     pavement????"
 

     STABLE RELATIONSHIPS

     This bloke is sitting reading his Evening Herald newspaper when the
     wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying
     pan.
     "What was that for?" he says.
     "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name
     Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies.
     "Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races,
     Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She seems
     satisified and at this apologises, and goes off to do work around the
     house.
     Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
     nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When
     he comes around, he says, what the heck was that for?"
     "Your horse phoned."

To: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely
limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in
the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and
ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes
the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or
HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility
is of limited effectiveness.Can you help, please!!!!
 

Sincerely,Jane

Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a
primary misconception.Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with
no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.  However, Husband
1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few
applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to
Boyfriend 5.0, because husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.Hidden operating
files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so
nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed.Any new program files can only be installed once per
year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and
a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some oftheir "old time"
favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried
to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings:
Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and
comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and
illogical system.Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you
read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs].This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an
integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of rootcause.

To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously whileentering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.TECH TIP!Avoid excessive use of this feature.
Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have
to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal
Operations.  Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes
Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very
hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this techtip!

Just remember!The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but
because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications
Boyfriend 5.0 ran.Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.Consider buying additional
software to improve performance.Ipersonally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3
and Patience 10.1.  Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep
Husband 1.0 running smoothly.After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become
familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix
BrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.  A final word of caution! Do
NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported
application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system.Husband
1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is
uninstalled.  I hope these notes have helped.

Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish
you the best of luck in coming years. We trustyou will learn to fully enjoy this
product!

Tech Support

How to give a cat a pill:
 
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
 
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
 
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
 
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
 
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
 
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force  mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
 
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to
take taste away Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.
 
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
 
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw
Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Pill:
1)  Wrap it in bacon.

Actual notes found on medical charts:

1. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was  very
hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40
pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got
a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21.  Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock
broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
30. Patient was found to be dead on arrival, however later examination found one
toe missing.
31. The X-ray revealed a large dark area to the lower bowel, rectal examination
revealed nothing. Action: Inform X-ray technician of faulty film.
32. Today the patient was seen and reported that she had passed wind on at least
4 occasions.
33. The patients left eyelid appeared swollen, perhaps down to a herpes virus.
34. Under extreme stress the left leg appeared to balance normally.

This is the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Gryphon sent me this and then I added my comments in the brackets and sent it back.

WHY ARE MEN {JUSTIFIABLY} PROUD OF THEMSELVES
1. We know stuff about cars. (I didn't even know what car I'd been learning
in for months)
2. A 2-week trip requires only one suitcase. (I need more than an empty
suitcase)
3. We can open all of our jars. (I can't)
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group. (When A good song is
on I take the radio with me so there is someone else there sort of)
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name. (How do you spell Vont?)
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade. (Mum used to make me make it when on
family holidays)
7. We can kill our own food. (I don't believe in violence)
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. (I didn't
know that)
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves. (What wedding plans? The only
person remotely interested in me recently was a drunken Gay bloke)
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our
friend. (Only if they want to)
11. Underwear is £10 a three-pack. (£9.99 more like)
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices. (Yes they do - they just
pretend not to)
13. Everything on our face stays the original color. (Nope - my hair -
including eyebrows got darker as I got older)
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. (OK, one in fourteen is right)
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming. (We have
to help clean whether he's coming or not)
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth. (Since when?)
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without
thinking "He must be mad at me." (Who sits quietly when watching something
with m8s?)
18. Same work-more pay. (What pay?)
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. (Who made up this rubbish?)
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
(We don't usually drop by unless its their birthday so....)
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might
become
lifelong friends. (Who you'll have forgotten in a few years)
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" (2
out of 22 true...)
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. (Yes we
are)
24. We also never have a "strap problem" in public. (Unless on a new bus
with dodgy seat belts)
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. (Yes we can - we
just ignore them)
26. The same hairstyle last for years-maybe decades. (No it lasts 5 minutes
then its a mess. And I think style is an in-appropriate word)
27. We don't have to shave below the neck. (Professional swimmers do)
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated. (Not in my family's house)
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips. (I'm skinny)
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. (I sometimes were
clothes that are different colours)
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife. (Only if you want stubby
fingers)
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. (No it grow all
the time - we decide whether to keep shaving it)
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before
Christmas and in 45 minutes. (If you're travelling so close to the speed of
light that time moves at a different speed for you)

Only 1 in 11 of those were true. Does that make me a freak?

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened
his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living,
being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow
man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest,
thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope
does."

"Women's English"

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]

"Men's English"

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm  the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF  YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  Yes.  Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it's never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home look in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.

Man says to God:
"God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says:
"So you would love her."
"But God,"
the man says,
"why did you make her so dumb?"
God says:
"So she would love you.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy
to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in
through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a
pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."

THE WIT AND WISDOM OF KEVIN KEEGAN
He can't speak Turks, but you can tell he's delighted.
The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes
around, if they're not careful.
There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.
They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I
can see why - it's because he's a bit different.  They are both called Steve.
In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.  But leukemia is worse
still.  Probably.
Despite his white boots, he has real pace and aggression.
Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late s or 30s and sometimes
not even then.  Or so it would appear.  To me anyway.  Don't you think the same?
The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the
starting line-up today.  There were others as well.
The ref was vertically 15 yards away.  He has a moustache.
England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to none.

The tide is very much in our court now.
It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket.  Every time there's a tackle, up
pops a yellow card.  I'm talking metaphysically now of course.
I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.
And not for the reasons that you're thinking of Clive.
The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match
or lose it or draw it even.
I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.  You've seen the
pictures as well Clive.  Like an acorn I tell ya, just like an acorn.
You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw.
Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.  It's up to them,
the tide is in their court now.
I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's
totally different.  The red light district is still the same mind you.  Though
it's a lot bigger and more expensive.  I prefer Hamburg, more variety.  There
are these ladies there with fully formed moustaches, know what I mean.
Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there's no higher praise
than that.
A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came
off.
The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game.
That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong.
I think Ron will be pulling him off at half time and no mistaking'.
You'd think the Moroccans would have learnt their lesson by now.
You can't win games without scoring goals.
You'd think the Cameroonians would have learnt their lesson by now.  You can't
get very far with such brutal tackles.  It's just not cricket.

Subject: Interviews
 

We've all been interviewed for
jobs. And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do.
Don't bite your nails.
Don't fidget.
Don't interrupt.
Don't belch.
If we did any of the don'ts, we knew
we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.
But some job applicants go light
years beyond this. We surveyed top
personnel executives of 100 major
American corporations and asked for
stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

1. "Stretched out on the floor to
fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she
could listen to me and the music at the
same time."

3. "A balding candidate abruptly
excused himself. Returned to office a few
minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "Asked to see interviewer's resume
to see if the personnel executive
was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "Announced she hadn't had lunch
and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fries in the interviewer's office -
wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he
would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed
on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist
for advice on answering specific
interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies,
he stood up and started tap dancing
around my office."

9 ."At the end of the interview, while I
stood there dumb struck, went
through my purse, took out a brush,
brushed his hair, and left."

10. "Pulled out a Polaroid camera and
snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone
who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested
because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone
call, the applicant took out a
copy of Penthouse, and looked through
the photos only, stopping longest at
the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock
went off from the candidate's
brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized
and said he had to leave
for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the
job applicant. It was from his wife.
His side of the conversation went like this:
'Which company? When do I start? What's
the salary?' I said, 'I assume
you're not interested in conducting the
interview any further.' He promptly
responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay
me more.' I didn't hire him, but
later found out there was no other job
offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

15. "His attache [case] opened when
he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies undergarments
and assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't
want to get a job, but the unemployment
office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. Asked who the lovely babe was,
pointing to the picture on my desk.
When I said it was my wife, he asked if
she was home now and wanted my phone
number. I called security."

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into
my office, he said that if he
was not hired, the bomb would go off.
Disbelieving, I began to state why he
would never be hired and that I was
going to call the police. He then
reached down to the case, flipped a switch
and ran. No one was injured, but
I did need to get a new desk."

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BASHING:
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lb.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no Intention of driving.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.