What a turnip for the books - a smell of cigarette smoke in her room. That's what I said, but she wanted to know - which books? And why did I say turnip? She said I thought I smelled smoke because I wanted to make a smoke screen to hide behind, like a disguise. I said no, it was just a figure of speech and a verbal pun but she insisted I wanted to tell her about some books. So I got a bit angry and later on I turned it around on her, when she said "Oh, my goodness" - I asked what goodness? What about her badness? She couldn't accept that it was just a figure of speech.

I think I may have had enough of this. I think I may be outgrowing her and her usefulness. I could go on forever bringing stuff to her to talk about, but I feel like it's time to strike out on my own and remove the training wheels. If I fall, I fall, but let me try (and save money! It would solve the problem of when to take my holiday, and how much money I will have). But what will it lose me? What has happened to me recently, which has not been caused by therapy, which I cannot deal with? Maybe I just need a break for a while.. What would I be losing? It seems fairly clear that I'm not going to be doing an individual training for a while, at least. I think I've had enough. Four years, and with what at the end? How can I put a monetary value on the changes which have happened to me? Have there been any? Am I any more of a mature human being than I was four years ago? Am I any nearer to "individuation"? I actually think that to go any further would threaten my individuation. I have sort-of come to accept and understand the way I am, and the person that I am, and I feel no great drive to change myself any further at the moment. It has been very useful to share my thoughts, fantasies, worries etc, if only in order to better be able to accept them in myself, but now, today, I feel I want to stop. Not give it up as a bad job, more a question of quit before it gets stale and rotten, nasty. Get out while I have some good memories. Leave her behind, and remove her influence on me. Perhaps to go into a group at some future time.

(next session) I had quite a strong desire to turn around and go back today, after the session, to say "I'm not coming back". How would that leave me? How would it leave her? Would it jeopardise my chances of getting a good reference from her in the future (do I need one)? How necessary is it to "work through" an ending? I must say, I feel regret and sadness at the thought of leaving, but no real fear, as such. After all it is an artificial leaving, and of something which has always had an end. It was never forever, never real, I want it to be real or not at all. I think it's time to move on, and I feel drawn towards doing it now, today - I realise (insight, insight!!!) that this is my way of doing things, and realising that gives me some choice in the matter. But maybe I make a reasoned decision to do things the same way I always have! Also, I think that quite simply I need a break from therapy. I need some distance in order to see how important it is to me. I have not particularly missed it during the last couple of breaks - in fact, not since I was buying furniture. I am impatient to talk about this!!!

(Evening) Tired. Long day. I don't feel radically different from how I was above, except for thinking that if I didn't have to pay for therapy then I wouldn't have to be doing this gig tonight.

10/5/93: I want to try things on my own. I want to do things without feeling like there's something terribly wrong with me. I want to spend some time being me, not who I think she wants me to be. I'm fed up with coming to confession. Responsibility, responsibility, responsibility, that's what it's all about (the Hokey Cokey)! Life and how to live it. My turn! Spontaneity... Without therapy I could: Upgrade PC. New glasses. Have central heating serviced. Holiday when I want. Pay for it. Buy CDs. Sleep in late, have days off. Furniture. Decorating. Shower (one month would pay for it!!) Shoes & clothes generally. I've given her £12,000!!!!!!!

These thoughts, and more, have preoccupied me since Friday last, when I felt like leaving after the session. She was quite okay about it today, I thought, not too concerned with her point of view - how much did I believe she would be? It would be nice to be able to afford to act on impulses and then also not feel guilty or ashamed afterwards. Of course I am ashamed of some of my fantasies (like maybe I shouldn't be? That's what she implied) and so one way of dealing with that shame is not to tell anyone! (Later) another good supervision today - I'm thinking quite clearly, really!