Election Deposits Likely To Stay.

Government sources have let it be known that they are unlikely to accept the Electoral Commission's recommendation that the system of election deposits be scrapped. Ministers are said to fear that ending the practice could encourage more extremists and mavericks to stand for office.
A Loony Party spokesperson commented "I'm not sure who the mavericks are, but the Conservatives and several of the existing Government M.P's come to mind. The Government also make lots of money from lost deposits. It only remains to ask if the Government are not going to implement The Electoral Commission's reccomendations, then what is the point of the Electoral Commission?
Meanwhile the British public will be presented with candidates who are paid for by big political Parties. Independant Candidates who have relevant political ideas, but little money will be forced out.
The Government, then wonder why people dont come out and vote.
It has been put that Voting should be compulsory, and then people would have no choice. Nothing different there then?"

Monkey Business
Lecturers and students at Plymouth University have spent £2000 on equipment to prove that given time, Monkeys playing on a typewriter will produce the works of Shakespeare.
The Monkeys have succeeded in destroying the equipment, but have not produced a single word that makes sense. (a bit like Tony Blair's speeches).
The funding was given by the Arts Council, which is another word for wasting Taxpayers money (just like all councils). Surely the powers that be, are able to find better things to waste money on, like funding equipment for school arts classes.

IRAK
Although, we do not agree with war per se, we do agree that this tyrannical ditatorial despot, who keeps his fellow countrymen in ignorance and poverty has to go.
and once we got rid of Tony Blair,
then we might have had a go at Saddam Hussein

US in IRAK
The United States should not have been allowed to go into Iraq killing and maiming innocent Iraqi women and children.
Saddam Hussein was doing very well at this without America's help.

RELIGIOUS CON-CENSUS
The latest census results show that 0.7% of the population stated ,on the census forms, their religion as JEDI . 390,000 people. (Rumour has it) that in the hope that they may at last gain some street cred as a mainstream party the conservatives are considering changing their name to the Conservative Jedi Party. Furthermore  Michael Portillo may change his name to Darth Vader on the basis that if he can't rule the Conservatives he may stand a better chance at ruling the universe.

RAP MUSIC? THE LYRICS ARE CRIMINAL
Well once again Mr Blunkett and the Labour Government are passing the buck by saying that the horendous rise in Gun Crime is down to Rap music glorifying violence.
Have you ever listened to the lyrics of some Folk music?
Labour told us that they are the listening Party. Now we know what they are listening too.

National Party 2002
This is not about those racist bigots. This is to comment on the National disgrace that we call seeing the New Year in. In Australia, New York, and everywhere else people Party at New Year. It was a tradition that on New Years Eve people congregated in Trafalger Square to see in the New Year including jumping in the Fountains. The authorities, seem to think that people cannot safely congregate in groups larger than 2 without some kind of regulation.

TRANSEXUAL RIGHTS
The Government are bringing  in new legislation regarding equal rights for Transexuals.
So this Christmas when they go to their Christmas parties, they will be able to eat, drink and be Mary.

INQUEST INTO THE DEATH OF MYRA HINDLEY
At the inquest of Myra Hindley on Mon 18th Nov it was be confirmed she's dead.
One down , one to go.

FIREMAN'S STRIKE
I have to agree with the Government on this and state that I think the Fireman are being totally unreasonable in their demand for a 40% increase in wages. Anyone who has had their property burnt down or suffered 80 degree burns will tell you that the fact that firemen potentially risk their lives everytime they go to work, is no reason for holding the country to ransom.
We think that the solution to this would be for firemen to have parity in wages with M.P's,
who as we all know, have to make unpleasant, and hard decisions everyday. They sit in Parliament fending themselves from the slings and arrows of outrageous politicians, and often have to pour water on the fire and brimstone of Jeremy Paxman, and Richard Littlejohn.
If Firemen think they are badly paid, then they should be forced had to live on the allowance that M.P's get, then they'll know what hardship really is.
We also have a couple of suggestions to help make a fireman's job easier.
The Loony party would paint little arrows on all trees so that cats could find their own way down. and all metal railings, would have a maximum gap of two inches (and no spikes) so that no one could get their heads stuck in them.

HER MAJESTY WILL NOT SAY IT AGAIN 2002
At the opening of Parliament the Queen outlined some of the new legislation that the Government will be bringing in during this session.
One slight problem is that none of it is new. 24 hour opening for pubs? (Now where have I heard that before). Laws on Fox hunting, and something about anti social behaviour, Crime, Health and Education, Education, Education.
With the Labour Government, I keep getting this feeling of de je vu.
An anonymous Labour party official commented that The Labour party would like to apologise for the number of policies that are repeated every parliamentary session.The Labour party would like to apolgise for the number of policies that are repeated every parliamentary session.The Labour party would like to apologise for the number of policies that are repeated every parliamentary session.The Labour party would like to apologise for the number of policies that are repeated every parliamentary session.........................

CONSERVATIVES SECRET WEAPON
The Tory party wish to make it quite clear to everyone that IDS is NOT, I repeat NOT,
one of Sadman's Hussains secret weapons of mass destruction.
IDS is the Tory party's weapon, of self destruction.

SUNNY VOTERS
The Sun's editorial argues that as more young people voted for the TV pop show's contenders Will and Gareth than either Tony Blair or William Hague at the last general election politics has something to learn from the "professionalism" of show biz programme makers and manufactured pop stars.
Personally I think they are all b*****ks, but unless the Government bring the age of voting down to 5 years old, I cant see Blair worrying about lost potential voters.

Success in Ireland
After a successful conference Alan and Boney were off to Dublin to give a speech, the subject of which was "The Virtues of Politicks". Twenty seconds later everyone went to the pub, and a good time was had by all. We have gained a new Branch (which I believe is our first) in Northern Ireland. Details to follow, I  hope. To be run by Lord Hutch, Shadow minister of Shamrockin and Shenanigans.

Conference 2002
Well after a slight hic-cup regarding whether this years conference would go ahead, I am pleased to say that Alan (Howlin Laud ) Hope is on the mend and the conference went ahead as normal.
Lots of things happened this year, including voting on some new manifesto policy commitments. Thurs and Fri morn was unusually quite and most people started arriving on Fri Afternoon. By Saturday we had a full house, with a noticeable appearance of many new members. We were hoping for a possible vote for the position of Joint leader, and I put forward my snail Albert. Unfortunately there was not sufficient time to arrange a vote so I put Albert back in the Garden. An exceptional performance by The Savages rounded off a cracking good weekend.
Well done and a big thanks to Alan and all at the Dog & Partridge. Its a pity we only have one conference per year but there will be a DOOOOO in March.
Watch this space!!!!
Here are some pics of Conference 2002

Labour Party Conference
Tony Blair, Brown and a few other lackey's were defeated at the Labour Party Conference on a vote regarding The Private Finance Initiative. However true to form the Government (Tony Blair) is going to carry on with their plans.
SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF A CONFERENCE?
However it was a great success for Tony because his mate Bill Clinton said so.

Housey Housey
Two Jags Prescott now advocates that people who live in Council Houses should now be stopped from buying them, as it reduces the houses available for essential workers and allows unscrupulous tenants to sell them at a profit.
This may possibly be true but it is an exception.
The problem is that Essential workers cannot afford the high price of housing in certain area's. Could this be due to houses not being built? The high cost of building houses (did you know the chancellor has now taxed sand) or wages not being sufficient to get a mortgage?.
Politicians of course would never make the matter worse by having several houses? Would they?
So the situation (it would appear) is that individuals who actually have lived in the premise cannot buy them, but its alright for Councils to sell them to private Housing associations.
If you are interested in this subject have a look at DCH

Blair's Poverty Speech
Tony Blair gave a speech regarding his crusade to abolish child poverty by 2020. In it he has vowed to "redistribute power, wealth and opportunity'' "Our goal is a Britain in which nobody is left behind"

A Loony party spokesman commented that "if nobody is left behind, then surely no one will be in front?". "Tony's policy on redistribution of wealth is working. Trouble is most of it is being distributed to the Inland Revenue".

Government to revive net snooper plans
The Dept of Trade and Industry and the Home Office are working on new information surveillance proposals, the e-commerce minister said on Friday
Speaking to a spiked-online.com conference, Stephen Timms acknowledged that a previous "snooper's charter" to extend email and mobile phone monitoring to a range of government bodies had met with stiff business opposition.
David Blunkett made a sharp U-turn earlier this summer over his plans to allow local authorities, tax collectors and the full range of government agencies access to email and internet use details on individuals.
Making his climbdown, the home secretary claimed a key element in his change of mind was a phone conversation with his son, an IT worker.

So There we have it at last: Government policy is down to a phone call with Blunketts son,
and not as we were all led to believe ....carefully thought out proposals based on the Labour Party manifesto. A loony party spokesman said today " I dread to think what policies are dependent upon Euan Blairs tete a tete's with his dad. God help any Iraqi that sells him a dodgy kebab".

Stephen Timms went on to say "the government as a whole will come forward with new proposals". A Loony Party spokesman commented "he'll probably ask his kids first".

CRIME - DO NOT FEAR THE HOODS
Elderly people should not assume that young people lurking under trendy "hoods" and "anoraks" are a menace to their safety, says the country's Youth Justice Chief Lord Warner.
A Loony party spokesman agreed with Lord Warner and went on to say "Most of the anoraks we know are pretty sad, and spend most of their time collecting bus numbers or such like, and anyway it used to be fashionable to wear Duffle Coats, and they had hoods.
In fact they were so popular that all the big companies used them as their uniform. Firms like McInerney's, Mc Alpines and Murphy's. Also Hoods are very still popular with trawlermen, especially during a gale".

COUNTRYSIDE MARCH
Tory M.P's are falling over themselves to be part of the new countryside movement.
Labour M.P's are trying to avoid the issue.
An estimated 300,000 people will be in London on Sunday 21st Sept to show their support for rural issues like fox hunting and the lack of policing in country areas.
The center of London ( we are told) will come to a standstill.
Whats new???
The Loony party policy on Foxhunting is clear:
Hunting with dogs will be made fairer by allowing only one dog per fox. Additionally the dogs used are too agile to give the fox a fighting chance. The use of Old English Sheepdogs (couldn't really see the fox properly) and Dachshunds (stubby legs and liable to grounding) would even the odds considerably.
Someone else mentioned Che Wa Wa's , but I think they were being a bit silly.

HAVE A BREAK. HAVE A SMASH UP 2. (the saga continues)
The Government have finally decided that they can catch people using mobile phones when driving. (see Have a break, have a smash up ...below).  That's what I really like about the Labour Party....Their decisiveness

SKOOLING
The Government has provided funding for School lessons during the School Holidays. We in the Loony Party think this is a great idea.  However we would extend this to include funding for Schooling during term time as well.

ASYLUM.
I have read a few articles lately regarding several Asylum seekers who have been turned away. One was concerning a professor and his wife (an English teacher) and another a Qualified mechanic and his wife who was trying to train as a nurse. (This couple are taking evening classes whilst here).
The Government is also toying with ideas to bring in workers to help with our skills shortage in certain industries.
Surely it would make sense to allow in, asylum seekers who already have the skills, and who can contribute to our country, at least until their claims are verified. This would be less of a drain on our society than giving them houses, or accomodation in centers and then giving them money to survive, until they are thrown out.

SHOCK NEWS
It is with great sadness and regret that I have to report the untimely death of the world's most famous political cat, and joint leader of the OMRLP Cat Mandu.

Cat Mandu was unfortunately involved in a road accident in Yately. Hampshire. Tributes have been coming in from all over.
Although never one to seek the limelight, was often thrust to the fore as a high profile Pussy by the media.
He was influential in many policy decisions, and did over the years pass quite a few motions.
A quite and shy cat who if he did,nt like you was not one to "claw your eyes out", but would not hesitate to "send you away with a flea in yer ear".
He will be sadly missed and fondly remembered.
*As a follow on to his passing, nominations are already being put forward by opportunists, for the position of Joint leader.* Watch this space for further developments.

REFERENDUMB IN GIBRALTAR
The Government say that a referendumb if organised by the Gibraltar Government 'would short-circuit democracy and short-change the people of Gibraltar'. The Gibraltar agreement states that Gibraltar will stay under British Sovreignty unless the Gibraltans decide otherwise. So why is Blair talking about joint sovreignty to the Spanish. Its ours. End of story.

Public urged to 'rip up postal rip-offs'
A campaign to stop consumers being ripped off by postal scams, such as bogus prize draws and competitions, has been launched. The government estimates that the phony promotions could cost up to £100 million a year.
The Loony party would consider extending this to include rate bills and tax returns.
A spokesman said today "Of course there is a downside to it, as it will reduce work for our postmen, and the Readers Digest leaflets do come in handy when you've run out of bog roll, providing you take out the key to the car you haven't won".

COUNCILLORS AWARD THEMSELVES 200% RISES, WHILST STAFF GET 3%
If you are a Director in a Major PLC, you invariably get a massive increase in income irregardless of whether you have done a good job or not. (And if you are really useless you get a peerage)
Isn’t it strange that when Council workers or any other low paid sector finally decide to strike, (and they don’t do it lightly) that companies and councils all plead poverty, and say they cannot afford it.
“In order to get the Rich to work harder you pay them more, and in order to get the poor to work harder you pay them less” seems to be the business management solution of 2002.
The council are offering staff an increase of 3%  whilst they award themselves lots more.
I noted that most rate bills were increased this year by well over 3% (a subject of which I am always complaining) .

The Loony Party solution is to pay your workers a decent living wage. As a ratepayer I don’t object to that. What I do object to is the grandiose schemes that councillors come up with that we have to pay for.

Perhaps we need to make it law that increases in councillors/M.P's wages should be the same (in cash not  %) as the increase they pay their workers.

NEW STEALTH TAX? = SPEED CAMERA'S
The committee headed by Gwyneth Dunwoody has said that we should have lots more speed camera's placed in strategic places in order to slow traffic down and prevent accidents. The fact that Government and Police forces make money from it, seems to override the safety aspect. The Car manufacturers spend millions making vehicles safer, the Government spend millions on Road design and upkeep.
I know people will think this is a Loony idea but how's about spending a large amount of money on Driver Training. If every new driver were taught to drive, FREE, (beyond just passing a once only test) to advance driving standard, the effect long term in a reduction in accidents, and the corresponding  reduction in Insurance claims and Health bills would more than make up for the cost of free training.
Once everyone is driving safely and accidents are reduced to a minimum, then we can do away with all these camera's. Trouble is the Government will have to find another way to compensate the loss of income. But I've no doubt that Gordon Brown will find another stealth tax.

CRIME FIGURES HIGHER
Latest figures show that Crime (under this Government) is increasing.  Apart from total chaos on our transport system, an uneducated population, and the NHS in serious trouble.
Is this a suprise?
It seems to me that the Government are actively encouraging crime.
Speaking at a new Job Centre Plus in South London, the Prime Minister Tony Blair has said that the new welfare state has to be one which 'helps people to help themselves'.
A Loony Party spokesman commented "That's why the Crime rate is so high".

CONSIGN CONSIGNIA
Consignia is reported to be losing £1.2million per day on top of the odd letter or two. Advice from the Loony party is to put this £1.2 million in a safe place (we suggest under a mattress, in a biscuit tin etc). The New Company boss has also decided that the Royal Mail should have a new dynamic name to illustrate exactly what the company does and so that its immediately recogniseable. He has decided to call it The Royal Mail. (Good original name init).
What bothers me is that in order to turn the company around and bring it into profit, another 17,000 people are going to get sacked. It seems that in business the management make all the decisions, the workers are told to carry out these decisions (or get the sack), and when they fail... the workers ......get the sack.
With all these people getting the sack who is going to deliver the post. Perhaps its time the Government put back some of the millions that they have taken out of the Post Office over the years.

LABOUR SHORT ON IDEAS FOR THEIR CONFERENCE
The Labour Party once again is short of ideas and manifesto proposals so they have decided to have their Annual Conference just as the OMRLP (26th - 29th Sept) Conference finishes. This is obviously so they can find out what our proposals are. As they have no excuse to cut it short this year (yet!). They have 5 days to harp on about what a great job they've done with Health, Crime, Transport and Education. So that will then leave 4 days 23 hours and 55 minutes to fill.
The Conservatives who are totally bereft of ideas have their Conference in Bournemouth on 7th Oct, so that (a) they will be able to ridicule the Labour Conference (b) use our proposals (or at least the ones Labour didn't understand) (c) sunbathe on Bournemouth beach and go clubbin after.
The Liberals to their credit had their conference in March 2002. Surely you didn't miss it?
I understand that they are still going on about " a penny extra income tax" which I must agree is a lot less than Labour have charged us over the last few years.
The Green Party are having their conference early September at a University in Lancaster. I am told that the bar sells organic beer which is .......??? organic, and they do a very good veggie burger.

MORE SHORT-TERM OVERSEAS WORKERS TO HELP FILL RECRUITMENT GAP
More temporary overseas workers will be able to come to the UK to meet labour demands and boost the economy, under plans announced by the government.
A Loony party spokesman explained "This means that in traditionally low paid trades where it is difficult to get staff, instead of raising wages and treating employees in a fair and decent manner, employers can sack the indigenous workers and get cheap labour from abroad, (they already do it with youngsters) thus keeping our employers happy and Labour Party donations high. It also enables economic asylum seekers to enter on the grounds that they are temporary workers. After 70 years they will be forced to return home, like it or not".

NEW REFORMS ANNOUNCED FOR ASYLUM APPEALS TO BE MADE OUTSIDE THE UK
Further powers to tackle unfounded asylum claims and speed up the asylum process are to be included in the Nationality, Immigration and Asylum Bill, the government has announced.
Rumour has it that as from 2003 revolving doors will be installed at Ostend. Calais and Dover, The Channel tunnel will be flooded and tunnel trains will be water-sealed (to prevent any hangers-on) and The Sangatte Center will be resited in Vladivostock.

PRIMARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUNDS SET FOR £10 MILLION MAKEOVER
The government has announced a £10 million 'Sporting Playgrounds' programme supporting over 470 schools in 27 local authorities. The aim is to give pupils better sports opportunities, to tackle bad behavior and improve attendance.
A Loony Party spokesman pointed out that "the £10 million may be better used buying back all the sports grounds that Governments have sold off, and to enable existing schools to re-seed their grounds after all the damage caused by Car Boots and Jumble sales needed to finance the schools in the first place".

HIGHWAYS AGENCY :GOLDEN JUBILEE TRAFFIC ON THE MOVE
The Highways Agency will be helping to keep the Golden Jubilee celebrations on the move by keeping as many lanes as possible open on England's motorway and trunk road network.
A Loony Party spokesman commented that "drivers using the M1 and M62 should be extra careful as revelers may inadvertently stray into the fast lane".

£355 MILLION TO MODERNISE COUNCIL HOUSING
Tenants of thirteen councils are to benefit from major improvements to their homes under the government's Arms Length Management Programme.
Housing Minister, Sally Keeble said:
"The extra investment will enable councils to achieve the government's decent homes target well before 2010. This means all their homes will have modern facilities and services, a reasonable level of thermal comfort, and be in a good state of repair."

The Loony Party have propose that when this is completed we will make a start on all the houses privately owned who's owners couldn't afford to put in modern facilities due to the fact that they have enormous mortgages, massive rates bills and all their own repairs to pay for. Home owners can now look forward to running water, a covered walkway to the privy at the bottom of the garden, and a free pair of Damart Long Johns to keep them warm in the winter.

LOADSA MONEY
It is estimated that we in Britain contribute around £11 billion  per year to the EEC.
Just think what we could do for the people of this country if we didn't give it to them

BLAIR RESHUFFLE
In a suprising move today (29/5/2002) Tony has had a cabinet reshuffle.
It is rumored that the cabinet will now be moved just under the window and the desk will go at the end of the room so Tony can see what's coming.
Meanwhile Steven Byers has been sacked or possibly resigned, and will now sit on the back benches ( In the first class compartments).  Blair said he was in "no doubt" that Byers would "continue to serve his constituency (North Tyneside) and the Labour Party", (which we presume was the reason his constituents voted for him). 
Martin Sixsmith said "I cannot make any comment on this matter, except to say that  if things had been done differently, the outcome could have been very different as well."
??????????????????????????

Responsibility for any referendum on the European single currency - formerly belonging to Byers - moves to Lord Irvine's department, which gives them something to do now the wallpapering is done.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE DOME
The Government have announced that they are going to give away the dome (to a consortium including the American company AEG) in return for a share of future profits  (assuming there are any).
The Dome has cost over £800 million and there is going to be an estimated return of £550 million over 20 years.
GOOD DEAL HUH!!!!!!!!!
HAVE A BREAK. HAVE A SMASH UP.
The Government confirmed today that they are not going to bring out a law making it illegal to use a mobile phone or a hands free kit whilst driving. "For various reasons it would be very hard to prove that a mobile was being used when driving" said a spokesman "its much easier to knick people eating Kit Kat's as we have the empty wrapper and sticky fingers as evidence", he went on to say that" as far as we know there's no such thing as a hands free Kit Kat kit"
He also stated that a law banning the use of mobiles whilst driving would be pointless as it would be difficult to enforce.
A OMRLP commentator pointed out that on that basis we should get rid of laws banning rape, murder, robbery, treason and virtually everything else

REGISTER YOUR INTERESTS
Due to new laws which now require Parish councilors to declare and sign up to the register of interests, I note with interest that my local Parish councilors have not resigned, as many are doing elsewhere.
This may be because they having nothing to hide or even that they have no interests.
However in the interest of declaring my interests, I have made a short list of my interests, which I will add to as I go along, so that when I am elected my interests will be there for all to see, and hopefully my potential voters will be interested enough to see that my interests are all above board, and possibly very interesting.
1. I am interested in Pamela Anderson and Caprice
2. I am interested in getting a large pay rise.
3. I would be interested in knowing the name for the back of the knee
4. I am interested in why do they make films like "Titanic" and "The Alamo" when we already know the ending?
to be continued........

RENEWABLE RESOURCES
Tony Blair has given assurances that the wood for the new doors being fitted in a Government Buildings comes from a renewable resource. The wood in question apparently is only available from the Cameroon's and it is banned from use, by legitimate traders, and as it is running out faster than they can grow it. I presume that when Tony says it is a renewable resource he means that they can always go and buy some more doors with our taxes (which is renewable every year ) We suggest they  redesign these doors so that they revolve thus allowing all the Governments hot air to revolve back in so they can save on heating bills. The downside is that it may just give the Government more opportunity to create yet more spin?

YOU'VE HAD YOUR CHIPS
If you want to hear something really loony read on:
Big companies such as Monsanto, Syngenta and Dupont and others have applied to patent various foods such as Rice, Beans, Wheat and Coffee after they have slightly altered the DNA of the crop. This means that growers in the third world will buy their seed ,and whatever else is needed to grow these hybrids and possibly have to pay royalties to grow food. Just to show how ridiculous it is that companies can patent basic foods, Action Aid has put in an application to patent Salted Chips. This in theory means that chippy's will have to pay a royalty to Action Aid if they sell salted chips?
Check out Action Aids web page at  http://www.actionaid.org

OGMORE BYE-ELECSHUN

Loony Les (IWUBIBN) Edwards, Welsh Ambassadoor and Shadow Minister for Culture, and Jamming stood as the Official Monster Raving Loony Party Candidate in the Ogmore (Wales) Bye-Elecshun, gaining a very creditable 187 votes which represented 1.02% of the total vote. Hampered by inclement weather, and a total disinterest in the main three or four existing political parties, the total turnout was very low but due to his unique campaining teckneek Les was still able to gain an important increase in his previous best result ( which was 0 )
Les (a former English teacher and poet) said " Its a great result and I'm humbled" he went on to say "I was unwell, but I'm better now".

THE FUTURE FOR AFRICA (11 Feb)
T.B has been doing a tour of Africa telling everyone of his grand vision and what he is going to do about the problems in Africa. The only problem is he doesn't seem to have asked the Africans what they think?

STARTING ON A LIFE OF CRIME
Former minister Tony Banks has called for DNA samples to be taken from all new-born babies as part of a tough new approach to crack down on crime.
Personally I didn't think the baby crime rate was such a serious problem. I've no doubt that only guilty people and criminals need to worry.

EURO NEWS
The Euro
The Loony Party are very much into keeping the Pound and not joining the Euro single currency. So we are going to invite all European countries to JOIN THE POUND.

A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that in order to meet the conditions for joining the Euro the phrase 'spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st of December 2001. 
From this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating'

  ITS PARTY TIME
Everyday for Portillo and Mandelson. Apparently they are paid thousands of pounds to turn up to various parties and chit chat. They have to do this as they are finding it very difficult now that they don't have a ministers wage and have to live on a paltry £51,000+ per year as an M.P

REFUGEE STATUS
£1 million boost for refugee integration
A new fund has been set up to offer support to organisations with new ideas for helping refugees play a full part in the economic, cultural and social life of the United Kingdom.
One or two suggestions have been made: Economic......get a job......Cultural.......get a job in a museum or Art gallery.......Social Life..........Join the Loony Party

MONEY and LAUNDERING
New Money Laundering Regulations come into effect:
A tough new regime to combat money laundering has come into effect, giving H M Customs the powers of inspection and regulation of bureau de change, cheque cashers and money transmission agents.
The Government are very concerned and annoyed about money laundering (we understand) as the paper tends to crumble and it gets difficult to count.
A spokesman is reported to have said that " A new washing machine with copious amounts of softener and a new iron should solve most of the problems"

The Department of Trade and Industry has also teamed up with the Money Advice Trust to provide telephone and online advice to thousands caught in the debt trap.
Mind you I am not to sure about their advice.....Didn't they advise Railtrack?

BILL TO MODERNISE WORLD OF WORK
The Government has introduced a Bill that aims to improve relations between employers and their workers. It is wide-ranging and covers many aspects of the employment relationship, including dispute resolution, work and parents, and raising the level of skills.
What it doesn't cover is decent wages, reasonable hours, realistic conditions, and full union rights.

NEW RULES FOR COUNCILORS
The Government has published a new set of rules that councilors will be required to observe while carrying out their duties.
Rule No 1. Turn up to meetings.
Rule No 2. Stay awake.

NEW CHAMBER FOR MA-LAUDS
The Government has published its proposals to create a credible and effective second chamber fit for the 21st Century.
The House of Lords ( i am told) feel that there should be a modern 2nd chamber with soap and water, toilet rolls and towels, gaily decorated with £60.00 rolls of wallpaper chosen by Lord Irvine (of course).
JUST MESSING ABOUT IN THE DUCK POND
Apparently the UK has maintained a record breaking performance for river quality.
New figures show that the record-breaking standards for the UK's river quality set last year have been improved.
The fact that due to Foot and Mouth restrictions no one has been allowed to go near our rivers may have something to do with it.

A BORDERLINE CASE
In the news recently the Customs & Excise at Dover were in trouble for confiscating peoples cars etc, if they brought a load of tobacco and booze into the country, and couldn't prove it was for their own use.
It seems ironic that if you were in possession of some cannabis (an illegal substance) the police in the same docks would probably leave you alone, providing its for your own consumption.
RAILTRACK
Well its finally happened. Railtrack has gone into administration. (another name for broke)
The Government has decided that they are not going to continue throwing good money away (except for the dome) on this countries railway infrastructure, and a separate non profit making company will be set up to run Railtrack ( Railtrack didn't make profits did they? ). I wonder who is going to pay for it. Not the shareholders of Railtrack as they already have lost their money. 

CONSERVATIVE PARTY CONFERENCE.
I've just found out who IDS is.
And that's the end of this report from Blackpool.

LOONY PARTY CONFERENCE 
The Loony Party Conference 2001 was held at the Dog and Partridge in Yately  (27th-31st Sept), and what a great time was had by all. 
Many members old and new turned up during the 4 day event.
This year as usual Alan (Howlin Laud) Hope hosted his Loony Happy Hour
"Buy two drinks and get One"
The Savages (Sutch'y backing band) also appeared live on stage (well floor),  with special guest 50's rock and roll superstar Kerry Rapid
 

BLAIR IN CONFERENCE 
Dateline Oct 2001......
Tony Blair was recently at the Labour Party Conference in his role as World leader.
This meant that all the domestic matters which he would have dealt with were glossed over.
Things like Illegal Immigration, Foot and Mouth epidemics, classrooms still overcrowded, hospital waiting lists refusing to fall, the transport network choked, can be easily dispensed with in the present terrorist crisis. These problems can be solved very simply by-making the Conference shorter.
One of the main subjects not to be discussed was "Joining the Euro" 
We may get to join the Euro on the basis of National Emergency.
If we join now the terrorists wont be able to forge our currency. That'll stop em in their tracks.
Polls show 70 percent of Britons want to keep the pound.
(Not that T.B takes much notice of public opinion)

Loony Party policy is clear.
"We will scrap the Euro and invite all the other countries to join the pound"

Labour say that we will  join the euro only if economic conditions are right and the 
public say `yes` in a referendum.
(However for the last thousand years the economic conditions haven't been right) 
 
All this is happened shortly after Blair returned to work from a four-week family Holiday in Mexico and France, setting a good example to us all to support British Tourism, (in the wake of the aftermath of Foot and Mouth Outbreak)
Margaret Beckett (Environment, Food and Rural affairs)  also supported  British Tourism and bought a new Caravan (in the U.K) so she can tour France.
Oh and lets not forget Blunkett who spent his holiday Majorca.
I am sure that all the residents of Cumbria will join me in wishing they had a happy Holiday.

The Labour Party Conference, ended with all the Party members standing up and giving T.B a standing ovation.

IDENTITY CARDS
I notice the subject of identity cards has again reared its head, as a measure that will help to prevent terrorism? (most terrorists either nick em or forge em anyway). Once again the Loony Party has the answer.

I.D cards will be issued in form of a small compact mirror with the following instructions.
1.If asked to identify yourself .....look in mirror to check that its you. If you cannot identify yourself....
2.Ask someone else to look in the mirror to see if its you....If you still cannot identify yourself....
3.Try again later when sober.

ASYLUM IN ENGLISH
It has been proposed that all Asylum seekers and refugees will be taught to speak English. This will be of great benefit (it has been said) when these people are relocated in Glasgow (or Birmingham).

ROAD WORKS AHEAD
A new scheme has been announced whereby Road Contractors will pay penalties and fees to be allowed to dig up the road. This will reduce the number of roads being dug up, as everybody knows that Contractors dig holes in the roads for fun. As it is normally the ratepayer/taxpayer  who foots the bill for road repairs the contractor will add it on to his price. So is this another stealth tax? If the road needs to be dug up for repairs or emergencies, will the fees put off the Contractors who may decide to leave the repair until another one appears?
The Loony party as usual has the most sensible answer. 
Roads will be dug up a maximum of once every ten years. Before they’re dug up, all the utilities will be informed and they can replace all their cables, pipes and sewers at the same time

PORTILLO DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
Following his humiliating defeat for the bid to be Conservative leader, Portillo has said
that he will have to consider his career as he does not know what to do.
I have a suggestion. How's about representing the constituents that voted him in?

POLITICAL REFORM.
Well it seems that only a few months have gone bye and already T.B is back in full swing (not including his holiday) with a massive increase in Wages for Ministers etc. Primarily because he was told to accept the increase recommended by the people that sort out Ministers salaries as it was mucking up their calculations. (Not that he takes any notice of anybody normally, but where money is concerned?).
I  recommend the following proposals to allay the publics fears that M.P,s get it too easy.
1. All  M.P's should have to sign on at their local Employment Center, and prove that they have actually done some work.
2. All  M.P's should be paid by the Dept of Social Security by Giro. (This will help to keep our Post Offices going) Then they will  have first hand experience of being short changed and getting paid three weeks late.

Just a small footnote.*******Did you know that they had another wage increase in Oct2001. But only around 11% this time. (Kept that quiet didn't they?

FUEL FOR THOUGHT
Give a little thought to those hardy group of who have been out and about protesting about the price of fuel. Unfortunately they have not had the same Media impact as last time, due to someone showing their tits on Big Bruv and that tiresome Election Coverage. Anyway if your interested in some facts about fuel prices, have a look at http://www.boycott-the-pumps.com.
Meanwhile we should all take note of the good examples set by our  ex Minister of Transport.

THE GREENS ARE GREEN WITH ENVY
The Green Party have declared that only media bias and the voting system stand between it and Downing Street.
Rubbish.  Its cus nobody votes for em. Antipathy towards the greens starts at a very young age. Every child at sometime or other is forced to eat his greens.
I rest my case.....

SAVE THE POUND
William vague stated before the election that the Conservatives had two weeks left to Save the Pound.
I don't think much of the Conservatives if that's all they can save in two weeks.
We at the OMRLP can save at least £1.50 in two weeks.

PLAID CYMRU
The chairman of Plaid Cymru (the Welsh Party) says that if you vote for him he will try to get a bigger amount of money from the English for their Welsh Assembly.
Although they already get well over the odds which again is paid for by the English.
To counter this I suggest that if you live in England you mustn't ever vote for Plaid Cymru.
That should stop em...

LOONY POLICIES MAKE SENSE
Once again Loony Party Policy is being enacted. Well part of it.
In Wales as of April 1st Free prescriptions to under 25's and free N.H.S dental checkup's for under 25's.
All we need now is to extend that to everyone over 25 and then extend it to England, and we have the full Loony Party Policy.
Well done to the Welsh Assembly.

Its ironic though, that its the English who are paying for it even though we don't get the same.
ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS POPULAR
Its been confirmed that the English Language is fast becoming the most popular language in the world.
This I can understand as They Know It Makes Sense.

NEXT ITEM

"YOUR LOONY PARTY NEEDS YOU"

THE OFFICIAL MONSTER RAVING LOONY PARTY.
are looking for new members.
I happen to know that there are one or two Loony members in seclusion in the Notts/Derby/Leics area. So don't be shy.

We are looking at fielding candidates for local and Parliamentary elections. So get in touch. (Mind you with some of the things our council gets up to, I think there's some Closet Loonies already there)
WE ARE ALSO LOOKING FOR DONATIONS AND SPONSORSHIP TO FINANCE CANDIDATES FOR ELECTIONS

LOONY CANDIDATE NEWS

My first time in a General Election and I think I did quite well. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the people in Erewash (Where?) who came out and voted for me.  
I would like to pay a special tribute to my Election Campayne Manager
 SHAMUS O'BLIVION  (see pic) who worked so hard on my behalf.

The Lady in the Middle is the M.P for Erewash Mz Liz Blackman seen here sharing an election joke with Shamus and R.U.Seerius.

Mr. R.U.Seerius (see pic)   is available for public appearances, After dinner Speakings (providing he puts his teeth in), Witch Duckings and other financially advantageous shenanigans.

BLACK PIGS
Check out this local Morris Side. Not your usual hanky waving dancers BLACK PIG BORDER MORRIS
Also if you are looking for a great Band to play at your event check out: 
Shamus O'blivion & The Megadeath Morrismen. 
 Webpage: http://www.welcome.to/Shamus

THAT'S IT FA NOW!!!!

P.S You can now email me again as I have paid my phone bill

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