More successful policies

The first edition of my manifesto made provision for a piece of fresh fruit to be given to every schoolchild every day. I notice that some of the more enlightened areas are now doing this.

A number of people have suggested that following the recent Thames floods, instead of constantly pumping out the Tube we should allow to fill up to platform level and then operate gondolas and narrowboats.

What do you reckon?

I've also been asked about our spelling of "elecshun". This is of course deliberate and reflects the fact that the electorate is shunning elections (worst ever turnout at the last General) because they're fed up with landing themselves with the same circus with different clowns.
Next time you know what to do.
Don't stay at home, turn out and show them what you think of them.
Vote Loony. You know it makes sense.

An affront to democracy
First I must apologise to all of you who were denied the opportunity to vote for me in the London Mayoral election.
Actually I mustn't, because it wasn't me who set the deposit so astronomically high that I couldn't afford to run.
The apology should actually come from those "mainstream" politicians who bang on about "re-engaging the electorate" whilst keeping the actual jobs for themselves by keeping the rest of us out of the picture.
I'm sure I speak here not just for the OMRLP but for all Independents who people might actually turn out for.
Enough of the past. I'm saving up for the next one, and this brings me to London.

Transport
Well it always boils down to transport, doesn't it.
I'm currently trying to work out how getting rid of our beloved double-decker Routemaster buses and replacing them with double-length single-deckers actually helps congestion.
I've seen double-deckers nose to tail over most of the length of Oxford Street, so presumably the bendybuses will do the same thing from Park Lane to Euston Road.
My plan to turn the main roads into canals looks increasingly viable. Or we could double the length of Oxford Street to incorporate bendybuses but the thought makes the blood run cold!
I fully endorse the website http://www.savetheroutemaster.moonfruit.com/
Routemasters run the 73 route for the last time in September.
Several of the conductors tell me that they've been offered derisory redundancy deals (in some cases after over 25 years) but will have a stay of execution on route 38.
The 38 axes its conductors and goes over to bendybus in mid-2005.
This level of loonyism is beyond belief and shows how important it is to vote for the professionals. Double-deckers with conductors - the "mainstream" obviously think it's a loony policy, so a Loony Policy it now is.
Andy
P.S. I couldn't even consider riding a bendybus until they are adapted to make an accordion sound when they go round corners.
P.P.S. Disabled accessibility: I have a relative who swears by the helpfulness of conductors who can and will physically help.

ANDY

You can contact Andy by email at   

We now have it on good authority (Andy's) that Andy the Hat (who did'nt stand for mayor) will be standing as a councilor in a local area near you (Probably Islington).

So on behalf of the OMRLP we ask you to get out there and vote for your local loony candidate    (who did'nt standing for Mayor).

KICK THE POLITISHUN'S WEAR IT HURTS - IN THE BALLOT BOX

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party

Manifesto for London

OMRLP CANDIDATE:  ANDY “THE HAT” GARDNER

Transport and the Environment

Pavements will be given fast lanes for people who know where they’re going.

Overcrowding on the London Underground will be solved by doubling the length of the trains.  They will stop twice at stations, once for the front half and once for the back half.

Tube trains will be assigned Wake-up Wardens in the evenings to ensure that those overcome by tiredness alight at their home stations.  Wake-up Wardens will also carry airline-style sick bags, which will also be made available in taxis.

Busking at stations will be legalised with 10% of the takings being invested in the system.  This will encourage passengers to give more generously, which will encourage better quality musicianship. 

To protect against rising sea levels all main Central London thoroughfares will be excavated so that as the waters rise they become canals.  Average journey times will soon speed up.

All London Boroughs will be colour-coded so that people immediately know where they are.  Each in turn will be closed for redecoration.  To further aid navigation a life-size map of the London Underground will be painted over the streets and buildings of the capital.

Passengers will be banned from using mobile ‘phones on the lower decks of buses.  They can all annoy each other upstairs and leave the rest of us to read in peace. 

The Millennium Bridge will be made wobbly again, either by removing all the springs, or by building a pub at either end.

The Congestion Charge will be abolished.  Nobody should be taxed for having a heavy cold.

London once led the world in recycling, and will do so again with the introduction of a new generation of rag-and-bone men.

During the winter months, the hot air generated within Whitehall and the Palace of Westminster will be piped to heat the homes of the elderly.

Health and Education

Umbrellas will be banned from Central London in the interests of public safety and people will be encouraged instead to aid the millinery industry by wearing hats.

The children of asylum-seekers will be given the opportunity to contribute to and integrate into society by teaching grammar to English undergraduates.

Culture, Media and Sport

Urban foxes will be allowed to participate in organised humanhunting to help control numbers.

A statue of Lord Sutch will be commissioned to occupy the vacant plinth in Trafalgar Square, in memory of the country’s longest serving party leader.

London’s official language will be recognised as Cockney, with all official documents to be available in translation.  Pearly Kings and Queens will be afforded the status of ambassadors and will be extended invitations to all receptions attended by visiting foreign dignitaries.

Proper pub names will be listed, just as happens with good architecture.  Good pubs with naff new names will be required to restore the old ones.

Battersea Power Station will be turned upside down and used as a giant billiard table.  Cleopatra’s Needle can double-up as a cue.  The Millennium Dome will also be turned upside down, and used as a giant punch bowl.

A giant inflatable King Kong will be attached to the top of the University of London’s Senate House on aesthetic grounds.

Pigeons

Pigeons will be reclassified as Class A drugs:  it will be illegal to own, supply or cultivate them, although we accept that they exist and are a problem.

Local Government, and Law & Order

A Special Adviser will be appointed to investigate ways of cutting down on the number of Special Advisers, assisted by a Committee charged with cutting down on the number of committees and amount of committee work.

In deference to devolution, New Scotland Yard will be renamed “Little England Yard”.

Even if we can’t afford enough policemen, we will at least reinstate TARDIS-style Police Boxes.

Thank you for considering this manifesto.  May the sun forever light up your life.