The ancient ones knew much concerning strange forces, how these forces would manifest themselves and more importantly, how to control them.
These are deep, powerful and ancient forces, their feet set in the beginning of time, but their fingers searching out for cracks in the reality of today. They know that if you collected the right articles together, powerful magic will ensue. All you need is some mistletoe, a ring of massive granite blocks and a virgin to sacrifice. With this you can create wonders, stop pestilence and read the future, but often at a cost of great personal harm to the mind from the forces released, and so the ancient ones would protect themselves by special rituals.
These strange forces are still at large today and like their ancestors, they need those special collections of people and curious, yet important articles which have deep and powerful properties. Of these forces, some of the strongest can be summoned when bikers, bikes and tools come together. You can prove this to yourself, but be warned, although some forces are good, when you get a bad one, that's when things get really heavy.
Have you ever sat in the garage and found that the bits you took off yesterday seem to fit back together without too much effort? Other pieces that have been lying around for a few months just won't go together without an extreme effort of mind and body? You know these parts came off easily, so what's causing them to become such a pain?
Do you think to yourself, "I wonder if so and so needs fixing?" You decide to check it out and lo, a miracle, it needs doing and what's more, it needs doing now. This may sound reasonable, but just think, if you hadn't thought about it, it would most probably go on working for years without any problems. Do you find that tools seem to move around and hide themselves without you touching them? Well the truth is that these and many other strange occurrences are manifestations of residual energies left over after strong forces have been at work and must be recognised to keep their powers at a safe level to prevent much worse things happening.
Powerful forces don't just appear anywhere, they need the right arrangement of three special objects that must work together. Forces such as these can still be summoned up from the beginning of time using modern equivalents of powerful old symbols such as mistletoe, a ring of massive granite blocks and a virgin to sacrifice. Modern equivalents include a biker, a set of tools, preferably about the size of human bones such as spanners, hammers, monkey wrenches, and to these is added a centrepiece which has to be a big, strong, man-made creation preferably in granite or even better, metal. With all is in place, things are summoned that you wouldn't want to dream about, let alone meet.
For strongest magic, the person should have intimate knowledge of the way the centrepiece is used, this should be done by living with it, using it everyday so they create a deep bond. If they come close to death regularly when together, then the strongest bonds are formed.
Just having the parts collected together is not enough, the person and the centrepiece, such as a bike, need to have strange and special rituals worked upon them. These rituals can include the reading of entrails of freshly sacrificed goats, deflowering virgins, or anything which leads to removal of something very special. These bits must be something deep and powerful such as liver, heart, con rods, gears etc. (Toe nail clippings or tail light bulbs which are almost magic free, are not acceptable.)
And so the ritual begins. A dark night, a couple of burning rushes dipped in tar blowing in the wind lighting up the scene, or a single, dim bulb swinging from a roof. The shadows move in patterns known only to themselves. The floor is covered with straw, dead chicken heads, blood or oil and half empty tool boxes. Movement is kept to little paths in and around the objects, creating little ley lines. Sure enough, the ancient forces begin to recognise the correct conjunction of rituals. The next few hours will be very powerful indeed.
The ancient powers are very strong. Unless you wish to unleash their evil sides, you must protect yourself by making ritual cleansing. Scrubbing the granite with fresh leaves, polishing sacrificial knives, washing your virgin until spotless, and finally making your mind relaxed and pure for the following hours. If your granite is covered in moss, dead leaves and bird droppings, the virgin's body covered in mud, and you are in a bad mood, then the unleashed powers will damage your sanity beyond all chance of recovery.
This sequence of events, as you may now begin to realise, even though you may not want to, also applies to bikers. If the bike is covered in crap, the tools rusty and broken and you have just had an argument with the old lady and still decide to unleash and wrestle with the ancient powers, then you deserve all what is about to befall you. When the bike is cleaned until spotless, the tools placed to reduce the chances of them moving around or getting lost by themselves, and you have just had a great insight of the world as a form of purity, then you are safe and the ritual will be a good one.
Next month we look at special rituals done which bring out the good side of metal objects, and how to make them work in harmony. We search for the mystic safety devices, allowing you great control over the ancient forces. These will give you the ability to create miracles such as taking a bike completely apart, leaving it for a year, coming back to it and rebuilding it in one day. This can be done by removing any evil which would lurk within the parts, which would otherwise cause a great gnashing of teeth and pulling out of hair.
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Stonehenge and spanners: A warning. part II
If you didn't read last month's article then this may be strange, as it involves ancient powers which have to be recognised, as revealed last month.
The powers that search out and feed on special conjunctions of people and articles can be protected against, but involves a knowledge that was learnt the hard way, not only back in the dawn of time, but relearnt regularly even in these enlightened days. The rituals are not difficult, but must be recognised as having the power to control wayward forces which all too easily lurk within everyday articles causing untold problems.
The ancient ones would, as revealed last month, have to make sure that all is set out in well tested ways and using ancient methods to create a reasonable chance of success. There are however, ways to reduce, or even remove the problems found when building bikes and although they were originally created for saving the harvests or to predict the best time to plant crops, they still have uses today.
Suppose you were to do a complete rebuild of a bike engine, then, like most wise men, you would prepare yourself. If you were to do a full ceremony to predict the best time to sow the crops which will bring bounty or famine to all or worse still, you attempt a complete rebuild of a large granite circle or a large metal object such as a bike, you just know things will try to go wrong. With the ancient knowledge you will have some control over the demon forces that surely ensue.
The bike is clean, surrounded by the clean objects of ritual, the spanners are all arranged so that they will always be at hand, ritually set out so they won't try to move by themselves and hide and your mind is at ease. Even though you have set the place of the ritual according to old and tested ways, you must now appease the forces. Like virgins for sacrifice, the centrepiece has to be anointed with oil, such as those rusted nuts and bolts which must be given a dose of penetrating oil. While this does its work of releasing pent up evil, you can drain blood, I mean oil. Then, just like the ancient wise men who read the entrails of freshly slaughtered goats, so must you read the oils. This is done while the sacrifice is warm as it drains easier into your clean pan with a magnet at the bottom. If there are any metal bits, then you can find out what types of evil lurk within and how have these forces have been at work, you may even tell if it was made properly or if the machine has been visited by unfriendly forces, such as the last owner who may have been an abuser of such sacred artefacts.
There are other forces, many of which manifest themselves as invisible demons with a sense of humour. They like to pick up anything left lying around and scatter them under benches, in the bottom of the oil tray, or even make them disappear altogether. All demons you summon will have acid on their fingers which will cause metal to corrode or break. These demons hate organisation and loathe polythene bags,- something to do with the static electricity. You should keep all associated parts such as the gearbox together as soon as you remove them by placing them in a poly bag and making sure you seal it which will make it impossible for the demons to have fun. These parts will not only stay together, they will also remain anointed and retain a covering of oil against rust.
Getting as deep into the engine to get at such parts as the gearbox has many pitfalls, some of which are not at all nasty if you take your time. The plague of rusted or sheared bolts, casings that seem glued together, and even worse horrors will lurk around, hoping to catch you at a weak moment, and so a few words may be useful. Rusted bolts are often cured by penetrating oil, but there is always one that will cause grief. You can remove this source of bad vibes thus, look at the bolt, realise it has a chewed up head. If it can turn, it may still come out without damage to the rest of the bike, but you must stun this pent up evil by hitting the bolt squarely on the head, then turning it using the proper tool or a chisel to make a small notch on its side, then use the notch to hammer it around. If this fails then either drill the head off which will allow the cover to be removed and will give access to the shaft of the bolt which can be turned using a wrench, but only after liberal anointment.
If this can't be done or the bolt shears off, then the evil within the bolt is calling your bluff, do you give up, or are you made of sterner stuff ? There is no choice, the bolt shall die! Make a small notch in the centre of the bolt, use a small diameter drill in the notch until it's central and straight with the bolt. Take your time and drill carefully, as you are fighting a big force with a little drill. Now a larger drill which must not remove the threaded part of the casing, put only a little effort into this as the bolt may decide to move. Once you have the bigger hole, you will see the remains of the bolt as a spiral of steel, which can be teased out using a small spike and you may be able to remove enough to start a tap down the hole, which will completely remove the remains of the bolt, leaving the casing intact. Some of the more reputable travelling Wizards in their big red vans can conjure up left handed drills which will help extract such forces.
A great favourite is when parts won't separate and is a situation much loved by demons who gluttonously feed on frustration. Oh yes, frustration is a magnificent part of a demons bag of tricks. You know it comes apart, you've checked all bolts, screws and circlips are removed and still it won't come apart. Your problem is simple, magic glue. Unfortunately it is made from time, the longer the parts have been together, the stronger the glue becomes. The only thing that can cure this problem is using some of your own time, which is stronger due to the sublime purity of all bikers. How to apply time depends upon you, the preferred British Druid method is to make a steaming infusion of special leaves, sometimes adding a little milk and sugar. According to ancient rituals, take lots of time, passing this time reading the manual, or just looking at the problem. After the spiritual drink has slowly taken effect, you will be able to see a lonely little bolt or circlip that has got bored with this game and has given up hiding, or maybe you decide to tap a different part which quite happily separates. The secret here is patience, and it works every time.
Reading the freshly opened entrails of goats or engines is a practised art which gives great insight into its life. You can find out it had a hard life, whether will it last much longer, or if it is in need serious medicine. In the case of goats, medicine is rarely used. Bikes leave messages of their lives and when opened, will tell you what it needs to make it happy again. There are so many signs, but all are similar in how you read them, so take your time and look carefully at all rubbing surfaces such as the gear forks which move the cogs, and the sides of pistons. Compare these surfaces with others on similar parts of the bike, such as the front and rear of pistons and other cogs. With a little experience, messages will start to appear.
Next month, putting harmony into moving objects, eliminating headaches and generating a feeling of confidence.
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Stonehenge and spanners: A warning, part III
If you've followed this series, you now realise you have the art of controlling the ancient forces which lurk around the conjunction of bikers, bikes and tools. No longer will you dive blindly into unknown realms which would once, not so long ago, have you gnashing your teeth in frustration, and screaming wildly in defeat.
You now recognise the ways evil forces lurk, as old as time, always looking for somewhere to manifest their evil. You now realise why with two identical bikes, one can be a dog and the other seems to ooze smoothness and simply flows around twisty roads without effort.
Despite the many perils that you can't help but summon up when stripping your beloved metal beast, you will have hopefully, by following ancient practices, followed a ritual disembowelment to reduce any nasties that lurk within, ending up with the machine free of any real damage and with all parts stored to prevent them getting lost, dirty or rusted.
The garage is still clean, the tools are all still at hand and you still have a sense of humour. You have read the entrails of your machine trying to find faults in all parts, and discover all the hidden messages that the machine can offer, all spares are waiting, carefully stored, and safe in their poly bags. The ancient Druid tea ritual has ensured you have read the manual, of it's powerful words and deeply strange and disturbing illustrations.
Now, one of the most powerful of rituals is about to be performed, creating harmony within objects. It's all very well being able to foretell the seasons by learning ancient ways, after all, you know which sequence they arrive, and if you don't know your seasons when the leaves turn brown, then you're probably the next sacrifice. This also applies to rebuilding bikes and like all important rituals, a good sequence will lead to a good bike. A warning, it is not easy to summon up harmony in material things and unfortunately like all things, the bigger, or more complex they are, the greater the chance to trap within it both good and evil spirits. These include three really nasty characters, oil leaks, the annoying rattle, and the tight fit, so if you want to steer clear of these, you should go through the same ritual as described in the first part of this series.
This is just the beginning as you must now fit each part together without actually rebuilding it. You will soon realise that some parts no longer want to know each other and so a little time must be spent getting them reacquainted. Try finding the locating dowel or an awkward spring that needs special attention, such traps wait for you to force them, leading you to carefully and demonically into extreme grief.
Rebuilding an engine is a state of mind, done with a good deal of thought and patience. Some exchange Druids from the orient have been known to use a technique called Karma to good effect. Whatever methods you use, start by recognising how the parts work together. As you fit each part, check it moves correctly, and get to know how the parts should feel when fitted, as this way the dreaded tight fit and annoying rattles will begin to disappear.
The oil leak will only be able to manifest itself if you keep your eyes shut, you should be able to spot a small scratch or lump of old gasket, if you can't, then practice working with your eyes open, it will make your bike and your life so much nicer in the very near future. When you clean the bare engine casings, massage and anoint the joint faces lightly with an oil stone to leave them clean and free of nasty lumps. When you apply jointing compound, apply to clean metal and go around the compound twice, using your finger partway over the edge to mould the compound into a little bead in the middle of the face. Good finger work has always been the hallmark of an expert. Make sure you remove any excess, as it can clog metal meshes in the oil system.
The unwanted rattle appeared at the same time as the first engine, has spread through all engines and will never be removed completely. Rattles are only controllable and then only by reading the manual to find out how they are kept quiet by keeping within the tolerances for the likes of piston to barrel clearance, getting the carbs balanced and realising where and how to fit the correct shims.
Forcing parts together is no fun, least of all for the engine, but may be needed as a last option. When all else fails, including time, humour and even patience, then you must contemplate subtlety. Try marking aluminium casings with a streak of soap and heating it up until the soap turns light brown, before forcing anything into it such as bearings or valve guides, as metals expand slightly when heated. If you force a crankshaft into a crankcase bearing, first put a wedge such as a cold chisel between the crank
webs, and also a nut on the threads to reduce distortion when hitting. Many other ways of engine assembly exist, but all are just variations of taking your time and using your brain. Think twice then you may only need to act once.
If you have tried acting many times, contemplate thinking again.
Eventually the engine is complete and cured of all faults, the engine turns over nicely, there are no evils lurking that you know of and if all is well. You crank over the engine a few times to get oil round and the engine fires up first time, settles down quickly and quietly and radiates confidence.
Now you can undo all this work by thrashing it as much as possible, ignoring maintenance, and generally being an animal. But if you abuse the bike only when needed, you know the handling and power will always be there and the bike won't be second best.
This is the end of this little trip into the worlds of demons and bikers, of ancient ways to keep them apart and of the many evils you should know about, and now it's up to you to reap the rewards.
Next month, a course, or curse for those who want to enter a world in which sane people rarely emerge and then rarely with their mind intact. This will be a journey of deep spiritual revelation, of hard soul searching, and of electrics.
Few will survive this and only the brave should even contemplate such a course, it is even worse than trying to understand granny's knitting pattern.
(C)J.Partridge.1993.
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