uess who's coming to dinner?

We have a new Bernese puppy! Well, not that new, I suppose, she's turned four months old now, weighs about four and a half stone, and is very exuberant. The trouble is that she loves everybody and everything, and is convinced that they feel the same about her - sound familiar? We call her Tessa; well, there is a lot of money invested in her, she creates a lot of interest, and won't mature for about five years. (Get it? Real subtle stuff, eh?)

We were invited out for a meal. Since they are relatives (who, I am told, have to love you,) we generally take our dog with us, and saw no reason why our tolerably well-behaved pup should not accompany us as usual this time.... after all, we were going to be out all evening. It was rather a long time to leave her, her teeth and her bladder alone. The main problem that we could anticipate was that she gets a bit over-excited when greeting people she knows well and likes a lot, with unfortunate results at the moment - she leaks! Still, if she could be met outside the front door, we thought, any 'little accidents' would be confined to the front step.

So, off we went, armed to the teeth with chews, a dolly to play with, towels, baby wipes (invaluable for all eventualities, believe me), and her dinner - talk about a travelling circus!

We were not disappointed. The moment the front door was opened she sprang into action - all over the step; still that was not too bad, although our plans for a completely outdoor greeting failed, as our host was not wearing shoes and stayed in the hall. When we considered it safe we went inside, and Madam cavorted down the hallway to greet our hostess in the kitchen. (Just how big a capacity do they have?) However a quick whip round with the baby wipes and all was 'gas and gaiters' once more , as my Mum used to say.

She then made her way to the back door and whined to go out. Wow! Success in a bucket!

My husband was delegated to take her out into the back garden, and to keep an eye on her as there had been some building work in progress, and we were not absolutely sure that the garden was still 'dog-proof'. However, he deemed it to be secure enough and let her off the lead to do what a girl has to do.

After a few moments exploration she arrived back at the door, and hurled herself inside, straight past my waiting towel, into the sitting room where the baby was gurgling on the floor, and where the muddy footprints showed to best advantage on the pale grey carpet. (Since her feet are large, as you will appreciate, this was not 'top of the pops'.) Amid yells and howls, which excited her to further frenzy, of course, she was dragged protesting into the hall, which was at the time thankfully uncarpeted.

As we bent down to wipe what mud remained from her paws an awful, disgusting aroma manifested itself and our host, who was holding her still, started to make gagging and other noises, and commenting unfavourably on her personal hygiene in a loud voice. On further examination it appeared that what she had brought in with her was not exactly mud. Whilst out in the garden, Madam had been fortunate enough to come across something unspeakable and, as is the wont of our canine companions, she had - yes, you've guessed it - rolled most gloriously and thoroughly in it.

I was presented with a bucket of hot, soapy water and a cloth, and we were pushed outside to remove the evidence. She was most annoyed that her best efforts were going unappreciated but, eventually, a clean damp puppy was finally allowed indoors. After all this trauma, a little dog was hungry and tired, so she tucked into dinner, and then went and curled up for a well-earned rest.

I don't think we were very high in the popularity stakes, but she seemed to redeem herself. For the rest of the evening she was the perfect pup visitor, and even played with the baby later on, so gently, (and, of course, under careful supervision).

Somehow, though, I get the feeling that when we are invited again, if of course we ever are, it may be politic to arrive dog-less. But just think what life would be like without the occasional cabaret! They say that kids will get you hung, if that is so, what horrendous punishments await dog lovers, and will there be room for all of us?

P.S. She is now seven and a half months old, unchanged, unabashed, and with one demolished back garden and pond to her credit - but at least they were ours!

February 1996

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