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HISTORY. It ain't what it used to be
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Simon Schama
Nobody knows for sure what John said to his barons at Runnymede, but I think
it may have gone something like this. "You're talking out of your arses, you planks.
Now bugger off and let me get on with screwing the country".
And nobody can say he didn't. Have a problem with that? Think you're hard?
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David Starkey
Monarchy. Monarchy. MONARCHY. I've pouted and postured and fawned all these years
to give that blasted Teutonic, johnny-come-lately family's forebears a gloss. Now, when do I get my sodding K?
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Richard Holmes
This musket ball from a Civil War battlefield is all that remains of the conflict
that pitted father against son, brother against brother, goldfish against goldfish.
It's still quite round, showing us it missed it's target and never cracked a skull
or tore through flesh and sinew leaving it's victim to die in - oh! it's a ball-bearing!!
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Dan Cruikshank
This Martello Tower is (hfff. hfff) deceptively tall, and I guess those. Napoleonic
infantrymen must have been (phwww. hrrrm). Pretty wiry to scramble up this staircase
in full kit and. Fully-armed (hfff. phwww). OXYGEN!
(Next week in 'Cruikshank's tall buildings with only a staircase' : we send Dan
up the Westminster Clocktower and The Monument)
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Look at them, the pompous, self-important po-faced gits. And I havn't even mentioned
Tony Robinson ("I was promised the remains of a Roman soldier's dinner and all I got was
this lousy piece of shit"). This isn't what
TV history should be like. These are my suggestions for some new presenters
to revitalize our interest in the past (they're all links to biogs.):
Marcus Brigstock,
Emily Maitlis,
Ian Hislop,
Jeremy Clarkson,
Gillian Lacey-Solymar,
Ricky Tomlinson,
Tariq Ali
EMail me your suggestions and I'll webify them if they get enough support. It's out with
the old, in with the new, that's the historical process guys.
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S T O R M ! January 2007
You can choose one car to transport your children around in. Which is it to be?
1 
2 
3 
4 
Let's see. Well 1,2 and 3 might be kinder to the environment,
but the environment wasn't very kind to them.
PARENTS! This is global warming. Don't mess about. Get an SUV.
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 Compo!
Can you identify these
heavenly bodies?
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Big Knob in Beaver - Huh?, this is a family website!
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R I O T ! !
"Gangs" go "on the rampage" and refuse to cover their excercise books.
Read all about the uprising at my son's school. Zero-tolerance policing in action - and great news
for those people who don't really like children much! (Acknowledgements: Ruislip & Northwood Gazette)
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AT LAST! Ruislip gets it's own lighthouse
[... read more]
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My wife recently won a Lookalike Competition on Weymouth beach. She won a weekend for
3 in Ghent, so we had to take one of my girlfriends along as well. Why don't you
email me your lookalike images to
lookalikes @ theballs.org.uk and I'll put them in a gallery here?
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| "Dopey" (c)Disney Corporation | My wife |
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Erection
I thought this would get your attention. Nothing excites quite as much interest around these
parts as property, at least that's what I find, so here's
our diary of the building of a single-storey extension
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Horrific Genetic Experiments
At a well-known Westcountry wildlife park.
This hybrid calf/Old English Humbug is a risk: nobody knows whether humbug genes could 'jump species' or escape into the environment and affect the wider food-chain - and ultimately our teeth |
These birds have been grown already tikka-flavoured
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Like the mouse that hosted a human ear
- domesticated animals are being used as factories for human tissue. These ordinary goats have been modified to nurture spare breasts for Jordan |
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Adult Material
These pages contain material that may offend, particularly those
with a prudish nature, my Mum, and the people of Ickenham.
We always try to maintain the highest standards on this site.
If you do find some of the content offensive, please use the Feedback button,
and tell us which bits you weren't offended by and why.
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LUS
We've had the referendum. The votes are counted. The YES campaign has
won. Here are the old Latymer Upper School class photos:
. . . and check out THE LATYMERIAN 70's archive
. . . and also CRAPPUBLICSCHOOLS (no connection)
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As I gaze across les toits de Ruislip from my webmaster's lair, out towards Ickenham
and the end of civilization as we know it, I find myself in sympathy with this chap on his
first and last visit to our homeland . Why, oh why does
it take so long to find these nuggets?
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Keith's Balls
You can contact Keith Ball, a Boffin for Europe's
largest market research company, TNS
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Shocking PC voice-interface research findings
Random noise elucidates true nature of popular PC package
"Business, this is the Wheel, is the Time Limousine ...",
"He does a flick at the Oval ...",
"... birth of the greenhouse wider than any rival ...",
"Before Hitler picked the Cohen ...",
" ... a little shocked Hartley picture accepted ...",
" ... Luton defender Patrick developer perhaps ..."
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Free Novels and Games
Check out the FREE PC GAMES, or download all of Thomas Hardy's Jude The Obscure
in ZIPPED text format - FREE!
Get more free classic literature
from PROJECT GUTENBURG
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Family
Meet the family, and get the low-down on all
of our own special inadequacies expressed on our individual web-pages
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RUISLIP WATERWORLD
Click here to see a new dimension in family entertainment
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Lies
Read a pack of lies about Ruislip,
or check out some of KB's investment tips
and book-reviews
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Software Now Available
Software developers and data-analysts might like to look at
some of my company's shareware
products, which are for manipulating PC flat-files: matching, selecting,
displaying, mergeing etc. Very fast!
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Sabbath
Check out the heavy metal scene on amazon.com
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"We Know Where You Live!"
Due to amazing advances in Internet technology, as you surf the web we can now identify who you are,
where you live, the websites you visit and what's on your PC (... and you thought those jpegs of Sabrina
The Teenage Witch were discretely archived on your hard-disk, well think again!).
But don't worry, all your personal data is covered under the Data Protection Act, so
nobody's going to do anything silly with it, are they?
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More BALLS ...
The Best of The Balls on the Web
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Ruislip Picture Gallery
... as and when lighting conditions permit:
Ruislip's Heritage, Worst Buildings, Stupidest Signs, etc.
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Local (and other) Links
Look, I've done the hard work for you ...
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Who's the meanest company in Britain?
Take a click and see
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This cell intentionally left blank
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We went to Menorca on holiday
a few Summers ago, where found this crunchy snack and this snappily-named
alternative to Crinkle Cut Crisps!
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