Nautical Humour, Quotations, Philosophy Skysail Training Home Page
Sailing: the fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going in the wrong direction at great expense.
Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you a yacht big enough to moor alongside it.
A motor boat and a sailing boat went to sea. From the motorboat, voices asked ‘when will we get there?’ From the sailing boat: – ‘we are there already.’
"There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats." (The Water Rat in Wind in the Willows)
Nothing lasts: Mylar headsails. Varnish. Beer.
On the other hand: Your first overnight sail. Your first race win. Your first cross Channel passage.
At sea, the boat is the professional and the crew are amateurs...
‘Never go to sea without an onion’ – Bill Tilman
On buying your next boat – ‘ There may be a better boat
out there; there is certainly a worse one.'
Wherever you take your boat, make sure your brain arrives 5 minutes earlier.
Seamanship
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is."
There are four types of skipper: those who have been aground; those who are aground; those who are about to go aground.... and liars.
All boats seem crowded when there are more than two people aboard.
It is better to be approximately right than exactly wrong.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Sails don’t blow, they suck.
You cannot change the direction of the wind. You can, however, trim your sails.
Reef when you first think about it.
It is infinitely easier to shake out a reef when you are bored, than to tie one in when you are scared witless.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
It's always better to be on shore wishing you were out there, than out there wishing you were on shore.
If in doubt, stay out to sea. No one has ever gone aground on a wave.
You can never have too much fuel - unless you are on fire.
Navigation
"There is nothing so distressing as running ashore, unless there is also doubt as to which continent the shore belongs." - Lecky
In any passage plan, the weather and sea get more votes than you.
An Estimated Position is better than no EP, even if you are not there.
Wherever you take your boat, make sure your brain gets there five minutes earlier.
The man on the dock who says " Plenty of water over there...." never asks what your draught is.
Boat Maintenance:
Rule One: For every complex problem there is a simple answer.
Rule Two: The simple answer is wrong.
Rule Three: Every job will cost three times as much and take twice as long as your first estimate - if you are lucky.
If it ain't broke only a sailor will fix it.
Murphy was a sailor.
In the long run, all solutions are temporary. Go ahead and use duct tape - Garrison Keillor
The binary theorem of maintenance:
If it doesn't move and it
should, spray it with WD40. If it does move and it shouldn't, wrap it with duct
tape.
Don’t worry if you lose a winch pawl spring, you will find it, after you buy the replacement.
If all else fails lower your standards.
Cruising is maintaining your boat away from your home port.
If you didn't swallow it, don’t put it in the heads.
Clean (nautical): an imaginary unstable transient state of infinitely short duration between dirt and dirt.
If anything is dropped on the pontoon, only the most expensive or irreplaceable items will fall into the water. (cf Murphy’s 2nd law: the risk of toast falling marmalade side down is proportional to the cost of the carpet below).
Racing:
‘Never interrupt your opponent when he is making a mistake.’- Napoleon Buonaparte
Boat speed makes you a tactical genius.
I never race, except when another boat is on the water.
Simplicate and add lightness – William Boeing
Mooring
You can never come alongside too slowly
There are three simple rules for a successful mooring. Nobody knows what they are.
A successful mooring is one that you can sail away from.
Your chance of a successful mooring is inversely proportional to the number of witnesses.
Watching a boat mooring is the greatest spectator sport ever invented.
Mooring under power is normal. Mooring under sail is an adventure.
The frequency of changes in the wind speed and direction is inversely proportional to the boat’s proximity to the pontoon. Tide speed increases as you approach the pontoon.
Outboard Law
The probability of an outboard motor starting is inversely proportional to:
a) the distance to shore.
b) the number of people watching.
The motor, if it starts, always runs while the dinghy is tied alongside.
The probability of a motor failing increases as a square law as you approach the half way point on the trip. In a strong tide the law is exponential.
Definitions:
Destination - where the wind comes from.
Torch: A cylinder for storing dead batteries.
Anchor – a device dropped overboard to keep the boat stationary except in the following circumstances:
The time is 0300
The tide turns
The wind speed exceeds Force 2
The skipper goes ashore
Some navigation quotes
The wind
bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell
whence it cometh, and whither it goeth.
St John 3:8
“I am
told there are people who do not care for maps, and I find it hard to
believe.”
Robert Louis Stevenson
“An incorrectly identified mark is a hazard, not an aid, to navigation.” Alton B. Moody
“Even
with the best charts, we are cautious about fixing our position, for it is so
easy to goof. And the easiest way
of all is by taking a mark, assuming it is the right one, and ignoring any
others that may be in sight.
Patrick Ellam (who crossed the Atlantic with Colin Mudie in the 20ft Sopranino)
“The
sound navigator never trusts entirely to the obvious.
The price of good navigation is constant vigilance.
The unusual is always to be guarded against and when the expected has not
eventualised, a doubtful situation always arises which must be guarded against
by every precaution known to navigators….It is always the captain who is sure
in his own mind, without the tangible evidence of safety in his possession, who
loses his ship.”
Report of Court of Inquiry investigating the Point Honda disaster in 1923.
(7 US Navy warships lost by running aground in poor visibility)
"It would appear that on some of the Marshal Islands these charts were considered so precious that they might not be taken to sea. This was partly because they might be damaged in the canoes and partly, perhaps, because the people might never come back, in which case the tribe's precious property would be lost for ever." Collinder
“What can be more difficult than to guyde a ship engulfed, when only water and heaven may be seen?” Martin Cortes, 1551
“The position and extent of any shoal or danger discovered, especially of one upon which a vessel has struck or grounded, should be determined, if practicable, by five horizontal sextant angles between well selected objects.” Admiralty Manual of Navigation
“It is established for a custom of the sea that if a ship is lost by default of the lodesman, the mariners may if they please, bring the lodesman to the windlass and cut off his head without the mariners being bound to answer before any judge, because the lodesman had committed high treason against undertaking of the pilotage, and this is the judgment.” 23rd Article of the Laws of Oléron 12th C
“Sight is a faculty, but seeing is an art.” Anonymous
“The consequences of poor cartography could be dire. During the Napoleonic Wars, British losses by shipwreck, caused by bad charts as well as bad weather, were eight times as great as those inflicted by the enemy. Wilford
Exhortation
to Apprentices in the Art of Navigation:
“When so ever any Shipmaster or mariner shall set forth from land out of any
river or haven, diligently to mark what buildings, castles, towers, churches,
hills, downes, windmills and other marks are standing upon the land…..all of
which, or many of them, let him portray with his pen, how they bear and how far
distant. A. Ashley, 1583
“A collision at sea can ruin your entire day.” Attrib Thucydides, 5th Century BC
“The greatest hazard to navigation is a bored navigator.” Anon
Or in French ( after François Lonchamp)
En
mer : C'est mieux d'être à terre en rêvant d'y être, que d'y être en
rêvant d'être à terre
Si vous hésitez, restez au large. Personne ne s'est jamais échoué sur
une vague
On n'a jamais trop de gazole -- sauf en cas d'incendie
Regardez autour de vous - Vous avez certainement raté quelque chose
Il y a quatre sortes de skipper : ceux qui se sont déjà échoués, ceux
qui sont échoués, ceux qui vont s'échouer... et les menteurs
Tous les bateaux sont trop petits quand il y a plus d'une personne à bord.
Il est préférable d'avoir à peu près raison que d'avoir exactement tort.
Il est impossible de faire tourner le vent. Par contre, vous pouvez
mieux régler vos voiles.
Prenez un ris dès que cette pensée vous traverse l'esprit.
Il n'y a rien de plus déprimant que d'être échoué, sauf si vous ignorez
sur quel continent...
En décidant d'une route à suivre, le vent et la mer ont chacune deux voix
Il est plus rassurant d'avoir une position estimée qu'aucune, même si
vous n'y êtes pas
Le gars à terre qui vous dit qu'il y a du fond ne vous demandera jamais
votre tirant d'eau
Les dieux ne défalquent pas les jours passées en mer
Rien ne dure dans ce bas monde : l'amitié, le vernis, un verre de grand
vin, les génois en mylar...
En mer, c'est le bateau qui est pro et l'équipage amateur.
Quand vous envisagez de changer de bateau, pensez qu'il y en a des
meilleurs et beaucoup de pire...
Un bon marin est celui qui remplit sa besace d'expérience plus vite
qu'il ne vide celle de chance
Il n'y a pas de problèmes sans solutions, mais elles peuvent être
fausses....
Chaque bricolage prendra trois fois plus de temps, et coûtera deux fois
plus cher que prévu, si vous avez de la chance...
Si ça marche encore, un bon marin peut le réparer.
Savez vous que Murphy était un marin ?
A long terme, il n'y a pas de solution définitive... Sortez le ruban
adhésif tout de suite...
La règle d'or de la réparation ; si ça ne bouge pas alors que ça
devrait, WD 40, si c'est l'inverse alors ruban adhésif
Vous ne perdez jamais rien ; vous le retrouvez après en avoir racheté un
Si rien n'a marché, essayez de vous foutre du problème...
La croisière, c'est quand on essaye de rester loin de son port d'attache.
Si vous ne pensez pas pouvoir l'avaler, ne le mettez pas dans les toilettes
Propre : un état imaginaire sans durée entre sale et sale
Si vous lâchez quelque chose à bord, seul les objets irremplaçables
tomberont à l'eau
En régate, le meilleur tacticien est celui qui va plus vite que les autres
Je ne régate jamais quand je suis seul sur l'eau
Ajouter toujours et encore de la légèreté à votre bateau (d'après W.
Boeing)
Il est IMPOSSIBLE d'aller trop lentement quand on vient à couple.
Il y a une règle d'or pour toujours réussir un mouillage parfait, mais
personne ne l'a encore trouvé
Il n'est jamais obligatoire de quitter un port, mais il faut toujours
revenir quelque part.
La probabilité de réussir un belle manoeuvre est inversement
proportionnelle au nombre de spectateurs
Regarder un bateau venir à quai est le dernier spectacle drôle gratuit
au monde
Le vent tourne toujours et accélère quand on approche d'un ponton. Le
courant aussi...
Torche électrique : un cylindre métallique pour stocker des batteries vides
Destination : la direction d'où vient le vent
Ancre : un dispositif qui retient votre bateau, sauf
- vers 3 h du matin
- quand vous avez quitté le bord
- le vent dépasse force 2
- la marée n'est pas étale
Posted
Thursday 5th November 2009