Embarassing Moments

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing moments in peoples lives. The following are the final four places.


Fourth Place.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself 'right now', she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'. The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

Third Place.

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled a 'SURPRISE'. My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were froze to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Second Place.

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear: PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE. That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks'. In a very businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system; DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND THAT YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER.

The Winner Is.....

This one happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?'. 'That's correct' responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, 'then why doesn't it taste sweet ?'. After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!'

Honourable Mentions

We really like some of the embarrassing moments that didn't make it to the top 4. Especially the swimming pool.

'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear if there were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me, and we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance hall. After work the next evening my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly through the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the playback button the night before... My mother prides herself on being broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped coffee all over herself.'

Maureen, manager, 25

 

'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be honest, the sex wasn't that exciting. One night, as he was going through the motions, I lost concentration. I started to think about the chores I had to do the next day - one of which was to take the dog to the vet for some booster shots. Just then he must have hit a spot because I suddenly called "Snoopy!" (The dog's name, naturally.) I still cringe when I think about it, particularly as I just couldn't think of any excuse to explain myself. The truth wouldn't exactly have helped to improve the atmosphere, would it? We aren't together any more, but I still have Snoopy.

Anna, journalist, 28

 

'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parents' home for a few days. They are quite open-minded and on our first morning his father brought us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck, like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. "Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.) Afterwards we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so did he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the rest of the holiday.

Jane, estate agent, 25

 

'One afternoon I was home alone in the flat I share with two friends, feeling "experimental". I looked around for something vibrator-ish, and settled for a cucumber. I had a wonderful time lazing in the lounge, listening to music and playing around with the cucumber. When I was finished, I left it lying on the table and drifted off to have a long bath, thinking I would have plenty of time to throw it away and clean up before my flatmates came back. Unfortunately, they returned while I was in the bath - ravenous. The next thing I knew they were offering me a spinach and bacon salad with ... cucumber. I didn't have the heart to ask them if they had washed it. I said, "No thanks, I'm not hungry" - and I wasn't.'

Angela, buyer, 31

 

I was about 18 I first went down on a man. It was winter and we were cuddled up under a heap of duvets. When he guided my head down, I didn't really know what to do, so I was quite relieved when I heard him telling me. Although his voice was rather muffled by all the bedding, I did catch the words, "bite ... bite", so I tried an experimental nibble or two.
Then he started pulling my hair a bit, which I took as a sign of him getting carried away with passion. Assuming this meant that he was really enjoying what I was doing, I became a bit braver and nibbled harder. Suddenly I heard a howl of pain. Only after I'd scrambled out from under the covers to find out what I was doing wrong did I realise he'd been saying, "don't bite, don't bite". Telling him that it was my first time didn't make it any better.'

Nomsa, record company executive, 25

 

'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too. A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters. While she was watching television, the girls - one eight and the other ten - decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard. Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my brother-in-law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the eight-year-old dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl. My mother-in-law was even more horrified. She'd had no idea what was going on because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to 'surprise' us - and they weren't disappointed! They had five open-mouthed adults staring at them in utter amazement. My sister was furious - and still is, I'm afraid.

Trina, pharmacist, 27

 

'I'm shy and quite conventional sexually. I'm happiest in the missionary position. My boyfriend, however, is much more experimental and encourages me to try different positions. Once, he persuaded me to get ont all fours and was becoming very excited, ready to enter me from behind. The mood was right: he'd been coaxing me, convincing me that it was beautiful between two loving adults and there was soft music playing on the stereo, when I let off the most enormous fart. Revolting! I was so embarrassed that I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. He laughed and didn't seem to mind at all, which was sweet of him, but my sexual education was put back by at least 10 steps.'

Elaine, marketing manager, 31

 

'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there, we had cocktails and then went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy. I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex underwater. We were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had an underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's disco, and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were dancing -until they had seen us. I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next morning, and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight back in case anyone recognised us.'

Elana, publisher, 32