Jokes - adult content

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the name of god are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."?

Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.

Little Davie said, "Well .... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

A very loud, unattractive, mean acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "hell no they ain't!, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... do you really think they look alike?!"

"No" replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk..... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said .....

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow.

"And just how do those symbolise Christmas?" he asked.

The man replied, "They're Carols."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the Vegas craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Tennessee arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know . . . the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman - - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - - who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Arthur notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.

At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery.

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next check up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realised she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realise these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18 year old granddaughter drinks..............

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Jack, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack said, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And Paddy (for it was he) replied, "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use, just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same..."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please, ..... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use"

A small boy gets home from school late and looking worried. His mother asks him if anything is the matter.

"Mummy, I had to see my teacher after class, and I have a drinking problem."

"OH MY GOD!. Timmy, you are only eight and you have a drinking problem!" cries is mother. "Bob - come here!".

The boys father wanders into the room, only to be harangued for his drinking, lack of care for his son and a poor role model.

"If this is how you feel about me, then it's all over and I am leaving!" storms Bob as he packs and leaves, slamming the door on his way out. Little Timmy is clearly distressed by the row and departure of his father.

"Oh Timmy, don't cry we'll be alright without Daddy, everything will be okay. We can do all sorts of things together."

"Such as?" sniffs Timmy.

"Well, for a start, we can have a nice chat together. Let's do that now. I'd like you to tell me all about your drinking problem.."

Timmy looks surprised, but he quickly dries his eyes and searches his school satchel. Pulling out a piece of paper, he reads from it ...

"If Joe drinks one litre of Orange Juice, and Betty drinks two litres ..."

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and then I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. Also - you got nice house!"

A nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Susie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

A man has great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh , I'm sorry to hear that...that's terrible. But couldn't you Find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take The seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday's I play 5-a-side

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A Cop pulls over a taxi.

Cop says: "License please."

Taxi driver says: "What for?"

Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please."

Taxi driver: "What's the difference?"

Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License please!"

Taxi driver: "Heish ... if you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir."

The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the crap out of the taxi driver and says: "you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and passed a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, s**t, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "Don't you have a vase then?"

One night a man and a woman are in a bar downing a few beers. they strike up a conversation and quickly discover they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, 'Hey, how about we sleep together tonight?' No strings attached - one night of fun.'

The woman agrees, so they go back to her place. She tells the bloke to get comfortable while she goes into the bathroom. Then she starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating theatre. She scrubs away for a good10-20 minutes.

Finally she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.

Afterwards the man says to the woman 'You're a surgeon, aren't you?'

'Yeah, how did you know?'

'I could tell by the way you scrubbed up.'

'Oh, that makes sense.' says the woman.

'You're an anaesthetist, aren't you?'

'Yeah.' says the man. 'How did you know?'

'Because I never felt a ****ing thing.'

After her fifth child, Lucy decides she should have cosmetic surgery 'down below' to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her genitals are dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth have taken its toll and she reckons that she's reached her limit with five children, so wants to tidy things up with a nip here and a tuck there, so it looks like a piggy-bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

After the op she wakes from the anaestetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. 'Who are these from?' she asks the nurse. 'They're nice but I'm confused as to why I've received them.'

'Well,' says the nurse, 'the first is from the surgeon - he says you were such a model patient that he wants to say thanks.'

'Ahh, that's really nice.' says Lucy.

'The second is from your husband. He's delighted the operation was such a success that he cant wait to get you home, Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very exited about it!'

'Brilliant!' says Lucy, 'And the third?'

'That's from Eric in the burns unit,' the Nurse tells her. 'He just wants to say thank you very much for his new ears.'

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits."

"You dirty bugger" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband"

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your butt and lick it all off"

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!" she screams. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the cup" The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, so runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off"

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off"

"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all..."

The husband then puts down his baseball bat and returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?!!!!" she cries hysterically.

Her husband replies, "Look love. I'm not fucking around with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."