Yellow-pigmented Follicles and the Three Ursus

A Politically Corrected Fairy Story

Once upon a chronological displacement¹, there lived in a forest, three nonhuman animals of the ursus genus². There was a patriarchal³ ursus of substance⁴, his significant other⁵ and their vertically inconvenienced⁶ and experientially challenged⁷ consequence of the social reproduction of the labour force⁸.
One fine morning, they resolved to partake of a nourishing meal⁹. Being differently advantaged¹⁰, the acquaintance rape survivor¹¹ undertook the unwaged labour¹² of preparing a large saucepan of porridge, completely ignoring the fact that one of its major ingredients was a stolen bovine product¹³. While she slaved in domestic incarceration¹⁴, her acquaintance rapist¹⁵ sat and read the paper, re-enforcing the phallus centred value system imposed by patriarchy¹⁶ through his inability to assist in domestic matters by being motivationally deficient¹⁷.
The domestic incarceration survivor¹⁸ placed the nourishing repast¹⁹ into bowls set around the table. Neither of her companions were able to partake of the refreshment, due to the thermal co-efficient²⁰ of the porridge, leaving her with feelings of deficiency achievement²¹. Her partner²², seeing her disappointment and not being totally devoid of kindness²³, suggested a short but refreshing constitutional perambulation²⁴ to enable the thermal co-efficient²⁵ of the porridge to reduce to an acceptable level²⁶ for consumption²⁷.

The three ursus were not the only individuals participating in perambulations in the woods that morning. A mutant melanin deficient genetic recessive²⁸ prewoman²⁹ member of the global minority³⁰ chanced upon the home of the three ursus. Her name, Yellow-pigmented Follicles³¹, was derived from her appearance and she was temporarily involuntarily undomiciled³².
Now the three ursus were knowledge based nonpossessors³³ on the subject of individuals who were morally different³⁴ and so they had omitted even to close their door. The smell of the mashed oats combined with the stolen bovine product was too much for Yellow-pigmented Follicles and she entered the home. It should be noted at this point that the girl came from an economically challenged background³⁵ and was differently educated³⁶. She had also not participated in any solid refreshment³⁷ of any sort for several days and so her initial actions may, to some extent, be at least understandable whilst remaining inexcusable.
First she tried the porridge in the generously sized³⁸ bowl, but the thermal co-efficient was too great³⁹. Then she tried the porridge in the average sized bowl but the thermal co-efficient had become unacceptably low⁴⁰. So she finally tried the porridge in the bowl that had under achieved in size⁴¹ and found that it was just right. Not considering the social and domestic implications, she made the least best⁴² decision and consumed the entire contents⁴³.
Feeling full from her sustenance, she looked around and saw that the room contained three items of furniture suitable for reposing for a period of relaxation⁴⁴. First she tried the generously sized chair, but found that its discomfort factor was enhanced by the lack of suitable padding⁴⁵. Then she tried the average sized chair, but found that its comfort factor had been over provided⁴⁶. So lastly she tried the size challenged chair, and found that it was just right. Unfortunately, the construction manager⁴⁷ had selected tree carcasses⁴⁸ that were deficient for the magnitude of Yellow-pigmented Follicles⁴⁹ and the chair re-established itself as a number of component parts⁵⁰.
Still feeling somewhat devoid of animation and overcome by ennui⁵¹, Yellow-pigmented Follicles decided to investigate the upper storey of the domicile⁵². Further compounding the unwanted intrusion, she climbed the stairs and looked into the only chamber⁵³. It contained three differently sized pieces of furniture⁵⁴ designed to enable a complete nocturnal period of temporary inertia⁵⁵. First she tried the generously sized berth, but again found that the discomfort factor had been enhanced by the underprovision of soft fillings. She went on to try the average sized bed, but found that the comfort factor had been over supplied. Lastly she tried the size impoverished⁵⁶ couch and, finding that its specifications were an exact fit to her own requirements⁵⁷, she promptly achieved a state of temporary coma⁵⁸.

The three ursus completed their constitutional perambulation and returned to their domicile both refreshed and nourishment deficient⁵⁹. On espying their food, they immediately noticed that the porridge had been feloniously deprived⁶⁰.
"Someone has been consuming MY porridge" said the acquaintance rapist with a tonal quality commiserate with an abrupt and surly manner⁶¹. "And Someone has been consuming MY porridge" said his unpaid sex worker⁶² in a voice free of any characterisation⁶³. "Someone has tried my porridge, and devoured every particle!" said the vertically challenged, experientially deficient offspring in a voice comprising almost exclusively of the higher frequencies⁶⁴. The three ursus then turned their attention to their comfort-enhancing items of furniture⁶⁵.
"Someone has been reposing in MY chair," said the generously sized urus. "And someone has been reposing in MY chair," countered his acquaintance rape survivor.
"Someone has been reposing in MY chair and has altered its functionality to out-of-order⁶⁶!" said her vertically constrained repercussion of uterus implantation⁶⁷.
Resolving to further investigate the consequences of their invasion by a morally deficient⁶⁸ sentient being⁶⁹, they climbed the stairs to the higher storey.
"Someone has been slumbering in MY bed," boomed the domestic incarcerator.
"And someone has been undertaking lassitude⁷⁰ in MY bed," responded his significant other.
"Someone has been sleeping in MY bed and she is still here!" squeaked the experientially deficient ursus, making an appropriate gender assumption⁷¹. At that point, Yellow-pigmented Follicles regained consciousness⁷² and, seeing before her an alternatively-pigmented⁷³ hirsute⁷⁴ other species⁷⁵ that appeared to be free-roaming⁷⁶, screamed. Incorrectly fearing that the three ursus would attempt to make her terminally incapacitated⁷⁷, Yellow- pigmented Follicles leapt up, ran down the stairs and, resolving to place the urus in a dimensionally deficient predicament⁷⁸, ran away.

Notes