Definitions
- AIR COMPRESSOR
- A machine that takes energy produced in a power station 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Birmingham, and either breaks or rounds them off.
- BATTERY HYDROMETER
- A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
- CROWBAR
- A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding any tiny clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
- ELECTRIC DRILL
- Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
- GASKET SCRAPER
- Theoretically useful as a tool for stirring tea or spreading mayonnaise, however, used mainly for getting dog-crap off your boot.
- HAMMER
- Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Also used for bending nails.
- HOSE CUTTER
- A tool used to cut hoses 1 inch too short.
- PHONE
- Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hose cutter and another hose.
- MOLE WRENCH
- Used to round off bolt heads and to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
- PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
- Normally used to stab the lids of old-style tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
- SCREWDRIVER
- Device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in things.
- STANLEY KNIFE
- Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing custom made leather goods.
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- CHEMICAL SECTION
- CAUSTIC SODA, FOLLOWED BY NITRIC ACID
- Used for dissolving gummy deposits on fuel pump filters, then dissolving the filter.
- GUNK
- Invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunk's primary component is mayonnaise, but perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics' hands soft and lovely. Also used for lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied to skin, Gunk never comes off.
- IMPACT ADHESIVE
- Used for removing the slots between your fingers.
- LACQUER THINNER
- Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was invented by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of making money.
- MINERAL SPIRITS
- Aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff.
- Used for wetting metal parts. Also used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note
- process takes approx. one month) This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced efficiency.
- SILICON WAX
- Used to ensure that paint will never, ever adhere, ever again.
- PRE-PAINT CELLULOSE THINNERS
- Used to ensure that any silicon wax present, is distributed more evenly over the surface to be painted.
- WD40
- Deceptive oil-like substance, for making rusting parts rust faster, but smell nice.