True stories about American visitors to Britain, both tourists and those staying longer.
Art was an Major in the American Airforce, and he and his family all preferred to "go local" wherever they lived. On being assigned to an airbase in Suffolk, Art selected a suitable small village and found a house to rent. Then he sent for his wife, Kathy, and children. Soon after they arrived there was a party in the village, and they were invited, an ideal opportunity to meet the locals! At one point, she was introduced to a smart young man wearing a white shirt, black tie, navy trousers and casual pullover.
"This is our local Bobby," Art introduced Kathy to him.
Kathy marched straight up to him, her right hand outstretched in welcome and said "Good Evening, Robert, how nice to meet you."
Kathy did make friends with the villagers, and on one memorable occasion Gill was invited for a cuppa and a chat. Looking out of the kitchen window into the back garden, Gill noticed a plethora of food scraps.
"You should get a bird table," observed Gill.
"Oh no," replied Kathy. "those are for the ground squirrels." Fortunately, Gill had been to America and was familiar with some of the "cuter" garden animals.
"We don't get ground squirrels," Gill puzzled.
"Oh, really," said Kathy, triumphantly pointing out of the window at a scurrying animal. "Then what is that?"
"A rat."
Another couple were stationed at the same air base and they also preferred to mix with the locals. Eddie and Tracy bought a house in a larger village near to a large UK based company. Eddie was a sergeant, but Tracy had clerical skills and soon got a job with the UK company, assisting around a dozen design engineers. One of them, Phil, was a Scotsman of the sort that were fiercely protective of their country and heritage. There was a discussion on what the Scots had ever achieved. Phil puzzled a while and then brightened up.
"It was the Scots that invented marmalade," he declared.
"Oh yes," was the sarcastic reply. "They would do, with all those orange groves in Scotland."
"Wow, they have orange groves in Scotland," Tracy innocently exclaimed. It was too much for the engineers.
"Of course. Otherwise they wouldn't have invented marmalade."
"I see. Isn't it a bit cold, though?" Tracy puzzled as she thought things through.
"Oh no," yet another engineer joined in. "The gulf stream, you see. It flows up the middle of the North Sea and hits land on the Eastern Seaboard of Scotland."
Tracy came up with several obstacles to the orange groves of Scotland, but one of the Engineers would chip in with a fantastic but plausible answer.
"Isn't it rather wet?" "Only in the west. The mountains in Scotland protect the east where it is warm and dry."
"What about the sunlight." "It may not be as strong as California, but as Scotland is so far north, they get many more hours of sunlight to ripen the fruit." It went on until Tracy was convinced.
Two weeks later you fumed into work and rounded on her engineering colleagues. "You BASTARDS!" She screamed. "Eddie and I booked a holiday to see the Orange Groves of Scotland. When he told his friends at work, they told him that you lot were hoaxing me."
Sean has the delight of working at a hotel popular with American tourists. His favourite true story is of the couple that telephoned down to the front desk, complaining that the microwave wasn't working. Sean puzzled. The rooms were not equipped with microwaves. Perhaps they had bought one? No - it was the one in the room. Sean scratched his hard and ran his mind over all the equipment in the room.
"Ah, is it the brown and cream one with the electronic number on the door?" an enlightened Sean asked.
"Yes that is right. We have put a chicken in and set the numbers, but it is not cooking at all."
"Hardly surprising. It is a personal safe and not a microwave. You can put your valuables in, set a secret code number, and then they won't be stolen."
Later the same day, the couple came down to the front desk and apologised to Sean. They felt very silly for making such an obvious mistake. But it didn't stop them from being silly again ...
"One question - the pedestrian crossings in England. Why do they make that beeping noise?"
"Oh, it is simple," replied Sean, helpfully. "It alerts blind people."
"Really," the American couple were astounded. "In America, we don't allow blind people to drive."