Over 100 Great Quotes! "Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars." -Gravestone Inscription "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -Anon "Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)" -Anon "Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency." -Anon "If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate." -Anon "Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce." -Anon "Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time." -Anon "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it." -Anon "Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him." -Anon "You're never too old to learn something stupid." -Anon "It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way." -Anon "A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right." -Anon "If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war--lots of accidents, maybe." -Anon "Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?" -Anon "Hire a teenager while they still know it all." -Anon "When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane." -Anon "Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA." -Anon "Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat." -Anon "One good turn gets most of the blanket." -Anon "I had an IQ test. The results came back negative." -Anon "A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries." -Anon "God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!" -Anon "The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train." -Anon "So many cheques, so little money." -Anon "Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser." -Anon "Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain." -Anon "As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841." -Anon "On the other hand, you have different fingers." -Anon "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder." -Anon "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." -Anon "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense." -Anon "Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper." -Anon "When all else fails, follow instructions." -Anon "If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments." -Anon "Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it." -Anon "Honour thy error as hidden intention." -Anon "Don't judge a book by its movie." -Anon "Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking." -Anon "In case of doubt, make it sound convincing." -Anon "Practice makes perfeckt." -Anon "If an experiment works, something has gone wrong." -Anon "If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving." -Anon "Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off." -Anon "Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it." -Anon "A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy." -Anon "If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people." -Anon "Change is inevitable, except from vending machines." -Anon "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." -Anon "Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved." -Anon "A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother." -Anon "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together." -Carl Zwanig "If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool." -Anon "No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong." -Anon "You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever." -Anon "A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer." -Anon "Start off every day with a smile and get it over with." -Anon "There are two times I feel stress--day and night." -Anon "A good pun is its own reword." -Anon "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life." -Anon "When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing." -Anon "Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice." -Anon "A steak a day keeps the cows dead." -Anon "All general statements are false." -Anon "Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away." -Anon "Every silver lining has a cloud." -Anon "The real world is a special case." -Anon "Langsam's Law: Everything depends." -Anon "Most people deserve each other." -Anon "Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do." -Anon "Silence is one great art of conversation." -Anon "Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be." -Anon "Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created." -Anon "There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room." -Anon "The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread." -Anon "Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it." -Anon "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." -Anon "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it." -Anon "There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't" -Anon "The colder the X-Ray tube the more of your body is required on it" -Anon "Being Superstitious brings bad luck" -Anon "Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, according to Webster's" -Anon "Get the facts first, then panic" -Anon "The reward for a job well done is more work" -Anon "One day when I saw a starving child shivering in the cold I looked up to heaven angrily and said 'God, how could you allow suffering like this?'. There was a long silence, and then I heard these words, 'I did, I made you!'" -Anthony DeMello "The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink" -Anon "Patience will come to he who waits for it" -Anon "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up" -Anon "Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether" -Anon "What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over" -Anon "When in doubt, give advice" -Anon "After all is said and done, usually more is said" -Anon "All that glitters has a high refractive index" -Anon "Three can keep a secret, if two are dead" -Anon "Fool proof implies a finite number of fools" -Anon "Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers." -Anon "Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for." -Anon "The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know." -Anon "Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up." -Anon "Anything that kills you makes you...well, dead." -Anon "Two wrongs don't make a right--three lefts do." -Anon "A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame." -Anon "The problem that infuriates you most is often the one God put you here to solve" -Gareth Littler "Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job." -Anon "A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead." -Anon "Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye." -Anon "After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat." -Anon "Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents." -Anon "Be alert...the world needs more lerts." -Anon "For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong." -Anon "Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana." -Groucho Marx "Gravity always wins." -Anon "We are the people our parents warned us about." -Jimmy Buffett "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism." -Anon "No one is listening until you make a mistake." -Anon "If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there." -Anon