Cracked Eggs: Magick For The Functionally Insane

The Single Hair
If you have ever attempted to completely depilitate an area, you will probably have run into the strange and wondrous phenomenon known as The Single Hair. You know which one it is. The long bristly one just in the middle of a man's chest that seems to run from the razor. The one just at the top of a cunt that even the tweezers cannot pull out. There may even be clumps of the things, but the term remains, The Single Hair.
The Single Hair has great power as an object link and as a magickal binding agent. Just think about it. Think about the effort it took to get the bastard thing out. Just think about how closely attached it was to it's owner. The single hair is as powerful an object link as blood itself.
Thanks for listening.

The Pencil Dimension
A relation of Douglas Adams' Biro Planet, the pencil dimension is so far removed from our normal set of perceived realities as to be in a completely different pair of trousers (the trouser legs of time - look it up). The pencil dimension is where all pencils dream of ending up. A place where sharpeners are illegal weapons of mass destruction and where graphite medical technology is so far advanced that a broken or blunt lead need no longer be amputated. The most common residents of the Pencil Dimension are those yellow HB pencils, and also the stripy ones, with the sea blue out of a box of colours being another frequently seen denizen of the plane.
The pencil dimension may be taken advantage of magickally by the creation of a servitor that would go trolling for pencils there, and come back with a selection of captives whenever it's creator desires.

The Unholy Pun
Invented by the Demon Choronzon. Nuff said.

The Sacred Number Of The Ancients
This number has only recently been rediscovered, and although it's use had up to now been shrouded in mystery, the true sacred number, believed by the Sages Of Atlantis to be the key to the universe, is .99. It has been blasphemously used by clever advertisers for decades, it's power to compel humans taken advantage of for petty sales figures. Whenever a mere mundane sees the Sacred Number attached to any remotely desirable object, he will crave that object, be it a Ł1.99 chocolate or a Ł24,999.99 car. The larger the preceding number, the more compelling is the effect of the .99.
A wise magician can use this knowledge in many magicks, including that of glamour, for example by sticking a tag reading 1.99 to his forehead.

The Supreme Evil
Not entirely surprisingly, it's Barney. Carefully gathered evidence now proves that the Purple One is indeed the most evil creature in existence. Christians think he is spreading the word of Satan (for more information see BARNEY: "The Purple Messiah") . Satanists believe that he is a Christian plot to subjugate humanity. In fact, Barney is exactly what he appears to be. A large purple creature, designed to look like a man in a zip-up purple dinosaur costume, but which is actually a unique and terrible creature in his own right. Barney is indeed brainwashing children, and not only does he do this, but he also has the ability to inflict unbearable agony upon older humans by his mere presence. If Barney is destroyed, he will be replaced by an identical clone. No one is entirely sure what he does, but whatever it is, it's going to be very, very, NICE.

Invoking The Supreme Evil
The invocation of Barney, the Supreme Evil is deceptively simple. It is what follows that is perilous. Remember, this ritual can and has resulted in many tragic cases of insanity and death. There are NO circumstances that warrant this supremely dangerous act of magick.
In preparation for this ritual, the individual performing it is to wear as many 'nice' clothes as possible (pink is good) , or better still dress up in a Barney costume. The practitioner is then to walk around repeating the following mantra until a state of hypnotic gnosis result from what I call 'niceness overload'.

I love you
You love me
We're a happy family
With a big, big hug
And a kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too?

I love you
You love me
Just like best of friends should be
With a big, big hug
And a kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too?

Remember: I LOVE YOU
[repeat ad nauseum]

This invocation is largely untested, for very good reasons, but if you do perform it, please report all results to the author. The author holds no responsibly for anything that might happen to you or anyone or thing around you.

Next Issue
McMagick: Fast Food Consumer Culture Seeps Into The Magickal World
The Modern Vampire Hunter's Toolkit: Are Titanium Stakes Up To The Classic Wooden Model? (Includes an interview with self-proclaimed vampire hunting expert Shawn Manchester, assuming we can tie him down for long enough)
The Modern Vampire's Toolkit: Guinness And Garlic. What's The Connection?
AND MORE!!!!