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Fulltime occupation
After being asked to write a piece about my work as an artist, I find myself repeatedly
returning to thoughts of my experiences as a new-ish mother instead. On the surface
of it this looks like a sure sign of an identity crisis, in fact I canít really separate
my role as a mother and as an artist. They intertwine, with the focus shifting between the
two. Since August 1996 the main focus has most definitely been upon my daughter. However I
find time to produce small private commissions, very often portraits. Being a single full
time mother, opportunities to work on my own pieces are limited. My home is full of
arrested pictures, my notebooks scribbled ideas. My head contains a string of images,
meticulously conceived and planned, yet not produced.
Since leaving Bristol in 1991 with an honours degree in Fine Art, life has taken its
various twists and turns. I started well, with attention from London galleries and art
dealers, high sales and plenty of commissions. After a year or so of this I hit a rather
abrupt dry patch;an artistís block. Without the portfolio to sustain it, the attention
dropped away. I found myself gravitating towards voluntary (mid-recession) work in
special schools and with adults with both mental and physical disabilities. This was the
beginning of what I now see as a formative period, much more so than my degree had been.
In 1994 I (ambivilently) entered Art and Design teacher training but it turned out to be
one of the best decisions I have ever made. Teaching is highly stressful but it is also
revealing and rewarding, a true challenge.
In taking on the role of educator one is continually educated. On reflection, I see
it has helped me understand and develop my own working processes to a greater extent than
working in isolation. Re-establishing creative contact with other people has enabled me to
put my own ideas in perspective, ready to take a fresh form.
The common thread that binds my artwork, (past, present and future), my career
choices and interests is people. People and the spaces they enter, linger and leave. By
the end of my degree course and during the years immediately following it, the subject
matter was a mixture of landscape and interiors with or without figures and portraits. The
key elements in these paintings are atmosphere and a sense of a moment in time - only just
captured. Artists such as Vermeer and Gwen John understood these moments very well. Paula
Rego gives the idea a more robust and imaginative treatment. A space in which something is
about to, or has just changed, is a loaded space. All memories have a beginning and an
ending and it is the ëjust out of reachí time spaces on either side that fascinate me.
The spaces may or may not hold information needed to reveal funnier, sadder, scarier or
lovelier truths, profound or mundane realities. The desire to know is what life is all
about. On a more personal level these pictures usually leave a sense of transience because
since I can remember, my life has been transient, with few consistencies on which to
anchor. Now my daughter is here I have my first constant. We will have a lifetime
relationship in which to contain all those little moments and events. We will inhabit the
same spaces. We have already shared one body.
Its hard to express the impact that having a child has had on my life, I donít
think any parent can. It is mainly because that impact gathers momentum with each new
development. Subtle changes take place and before you know it the relationship takes on a
new dimension to add to the last. It is these ever changing emotional landscapes that I
aim to explore in new work. I currently have nine compositions in sequence, each a
close-up portrait of either myself, my daughter or both. Each picture represents a month
or so of our first year together.
Instead of the muted, monochromatic palette I have used in previous work (to denote
an elusive moment) I intend to use pure mineral and earth pigments, as this year has been
altogether more spontaneous, raw and vivid. A by-product of having a child is how much
colour one becomes surrounded by. Colourful toys, clothes - colour re-learned. I want to
use colour as an emotional indicator on each face.
This has not been an easy first year for us. Amongst other things, we have both experienced illness and, indeed, here is another narrative to be told when the time is right. Most of all, the thing that has struck me about motherhood is how different an experience it is to live through than the one we are encouraged to anticipate as children, through the media, by the medical profession, even when we are carrying a child, even by our own families. The illusion that what is natural comes naturally is perpetuated. Motherhood changes one physically, mentally, spiritually, socially and economically. It throws up all sorts of dilemmas and contradictions: joy and despair, strength and vulnerability. So much of this hugely significant human experience is dismissed made prosaic, taboo, manipulated or sanitised. I want to make work about these incredible things. I have new self respect, new insights, new awe of children and a sense of mystery and necessity to tell stories so often left untold to guide me. Its not singularly about feminism although I have a healthy admiration for womenísí abilities and achievements. Motherhood simply affects us all.
The still, quiet interiors and moments in time are still a significant story for me as my
recent photos of a disused mill aim to show. In fact they take on new significance as the
time to contemplate, empty out and take a step back is rarer. Strong drawing and
composition are also fundamental to my idea of a successful piece of work. The act of
composing an image is an act of manipulation as meaningful as the subject matter on view.
What I leave out of my pictures is as important as what remains.
Repressing visually something one perceives to be beautiful, even if obscure,
difficult or ambiguous, just for the sake of expressing pleasure in that thing is as
telling as any other art form I can think of.+
top right: Conversation in the 1000 mile house. Acrylic on Plaster
1994
above left: the sleepwalkers house. Acrylic on Plaster 1994