Diary of a Death

Wednesday December 27th

The day of the funeral. This day will always be in my memory.

I woke up this morning (I took two sleeping pills to make me sleep) to the realisation that today I would be saying goodbye. I suppose part of me has been shut down; but today I must acknowledge that, and my heart must accept. Peter will no longer be at my side, my intimate companion can no longer help me with earthly problems. I have no one to spring little surprises on. Memories can comfort but they will not solve the daily problems that occur. Of course, the children will help, but ultimately they have their own lives to live and their own problems to solve.

Finally I arrived at the church for the funeral. I have always known that Peter was very well-known in the parish, but I was amazed and speechless at the very great number of people in the church. God bless them all. The prayers said for him that day must have bombarded heaven. I thank them all for sharing my precious day with me.

Father Peter made the whole service, for me, something I will always carry in my heart: the day was truly unforgettable. The service was most inspiring, Father Peter was everything one could hope for: understanding, humorous, sympathetic, helpful, kind, concerned and a wonderful presenter of God's Holy Word.

(This was eventually published in the church magazine as a thank you to all the people who came to Peter's funeral).

Thursday December 28th

(I wrote this the following day.)

Life is a long, bumpy road, but stillness and quiet thought are a great help. One realises we are given the insight to everything that is inside oneself. We are what we make ourselves. Everyone has the power to control their emotions, to accept and adapt.

To eventually accept responsibility for oneself, of course, there are times when one needs toe support of other people; and, if we are lucky, we can ultimately make decisions, and realise we are really responsible for ourselves.

Afterthoughts

I miss Peter so very much. Only those people with a similar experience can realise the extent of the bottomless pit of one's emotions. Sometimes it seems as if the easy way would be to step off the edge, and be free. But my guardian angel is always there to hold me back and help me to find the grace and faith to carry on.

Peter was always very strong in mind and body. I could always rely on him. He made most of our decisions, especially those concerning the necessities of living: mortgage, rates, electricity, gas, dentist, doctors, and so on. I am having to learn to do all these things myself. Sometimes I get very discouraged, I no sooner solve one problem and another one raises its head. But I find my solace by baking a cake or working in the garden for an hour or two. I have very good friends, and I am a very lucky woman as I have the really most wonderful neighbours. For instance, the following tale is only one of the marvellous things I have had done for me.

Yesterday, Sunday April 29th, Mary Jo, my neighbour, took me to mass at ten o'clock in the morning. When we returned home I had a wonderful surprise: outside my conservatory I had a large cold frame, 4ft by 2½ft, filled with earth, and I knew I had to get it moved before they fitted my new conservatory; Sam (Mary Jo's husband) had done it all for me, even distributed the earth in the right place in the garden. Thank you Sam!