(added 17.12.06)

Chav Nativity

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

(added 17.12.06)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In deference to the season" Saint Peter said, "in order to get into heaven on this holy day, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle, he said." "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. "What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked. The man replied, "They're Carols"

(added 17.12.06)

CHRISTMAS CAKE

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl,check the vodka again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK. Try another cup ... just in case Turn off the mixerer.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

(added 17.12.06)

There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

(added 17.12.06)

A mother took her teenage daughter to the doctor and asked for an examination of her swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." Red-faced with fury, the mother informed the doctor that he was plainly wrong, since her daughter would never compromise her reputation. At this, the doctor turned to the window, and began staring at the horizon. The enraged mother screamed, "Stop looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention" said the doctor. "It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, followed by three wise men."

(added 17.12.06)

Good King Wenceslas went into a well known Pizza Parlour. "The usual, sir?", said the waiter. "Yes," said Good King Wenceslas, "Deep pan, crisp and even."

(added 17.12.06)

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York a few days before Christmas and says, " I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!

"POP, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Chicago and tell her"

Frantic the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "NO WAY they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this' She calls her father in Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we will both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says they're coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way."

(added 17.12.06)

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

(added 17.12.06)

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was wearing just a ragged shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a fifty pound note in his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save one hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy approached him, grabbed one of the fifty pound notes from his hand and disappeared into the night. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the pavement and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other fifty and scarpered!

(added 17.12.06)

Once upon a time there was a king in Lapland called Rudolph. He had bright ginger hair so his people called him Rudolph the Red.

Now Rudolph the Red was bad-tempered and argued a lot. He gave his poor wife, Gertrude the Green, a terrible time. No matter what she said he had to argue.

One winter's day Gertrude the Green looked out of the palace window and said, 'Oh dear, it's snowing again. You'll have to clear the footpath before mother comes to tea.'

'Humph!' Rudolph the Red grunted. He didn't fancy shifting snow and he didn't want Gertrude the Green's mother coming to tea.

'That's not snow. It's rain!' he argued. 'But it's white and fluffy and drifting,' Gertrude the Green tried to tell him. Rudolph the Red hid behind his newspaper and snapped, 'It's rain!' Gertrude the Green became quite angry. 'Gertrude the Green knows snow, darling!' 'Yes,' retorted her husband. 'And Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'

'What a great title for a song!' Gertrude the Green exclaimed

(added 17.12.06)

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door . he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

(added 17.12.06)

Did you know... While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.

We should've known.

Only a female would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.