You were never meant, to belong to me... 

05:29pm 12/05/2004

I appreciate everybody taking an interest in my journal. But really. Stop the comments on Brendan. Because he does read this as well. Or if he doesn't, his best friend does. So y'know. Shh.

It's parents evening. I'm slightly worried. Not that bad.


I didn't see her today. I can't find her on the school photo.



Everything beautiful will one day burn. Everything graceful will one day faulter. Everything intellectual will one day become just another rush hour soul.



Once the government said,

one day the whole world will be above average.


I'll leave you to figure out the retardedness of the above statement.




I'm vibrating at the speed of light.

Maybe soon I'll break like glass.

11:18am 11/05/2004

Everything is falling apart. Everything is decaying. Breaking away. Crumbling. Becoming nothing more than the remnants of something gone, something that once was and is not there any more. Something to glance at and build around.

Everything is lost. Everything is broken.

She said Good Morning to me. I said Hello and smiled. Waved. She was doing exams. I wonder why she even bothered. Why she wasted her time.

Death makes us all the same. You can't escape it. No matter which way you die, no matter who kills what kills how, we're all going to end. To crumble and decay.

That could be you.

I broke.


Everything has decayed to the point that I can't even tell what it once was.

Throb. Ache. Burn. Burst.


Broken. Decayed. Shattered. Torn. Ripped out, Cut Out, clipped up, shaved, sheared, scraped, battered, bruised.


All is lost.

Why Can't I Be You? 

08:09pm 10/05/2004

You know. Today, I had so much stuff to worry about. So much late homework, and exams, and stress, and my head swam, and I had last nights makeup on, and I'd overslept, and I didn't have my maths, and Brendan and Grant were threatening to tell, and I was half asleep imagining myself cutting through english, and the school smells of dead rats, and I felt sick, and so much stuff.

Floyd said something about Mia and an asian girl cuddling. I was like they're friends. I know. I've seen them before. It's the friendly cuddling way I'd seen before.

And I had so much on my mind, that when I was sitting next to Jodie on the bench, watching them sit on each others laps and cuddle and act together. Act couply. It didn't even matter.

It was only on the bus. When all the kids from the other schools were saying stuff. And I was stuck on my maths. And floyd phoned me to say some kids were going to beat me up.

And it was only then that I felt too broken.

And I feel hart broken. She was something I could never have. Out of my league. But the fact they're together, and in love, and perfect. It hurts more than I can bear. And all the stress about the smoking today and the maths I can't do and the Latin I don't understand. It's crushing me.

And I feel heart broken. Sickly jealous.

I want her. And now she's too far away. She's got this girl. This wonderful girl. Her age.

And they look so right. And she has Mia. To herself. She has her. To look at and hold hands with and hug and cuddle and kiss. And they're together.

And a minute ago, just after my parents had gone upstairs and left me to clean up after dinner, I just started to cry. And I can't stop.
Because she's beautiful and perfect and has this perfect life, with these perfect people, and she's always cool and calm and collect. And now she's got her perfect lover. And they're perfect. Perfect and beautiful and neither of them are mine. And she's not mine. She's not even my crush any more. It's spoilt. It's too perfect for me to handle. She's gone. I have no chance. No chance ever. Because she's gone with this girl. This lucky, perfect girl. Luckiest, most perfect girl.


This doesn't even make sence. What's happened just doesn't seem dramatic enough to make me feel like this. I'm hurting from head to toe. And I can't stop thinking about it. And I'm shivering and broken and I don't know what to do.





And we were sitting on the bench watching them.

And Charlie said, "That could be you."

And I broke.

Your Skin Makes Me Cry 

06:36pm 08/05/2004

I had the thrilling job of CURTIAN SHOPPING today with my Mom and Nan and Dad. oooooooooooooooooooh.

Yes but I bought a single by The Needles, called Under The City. Which is brilliant. Really, really, good. Heavier Franz Ferdinand. I'm in love. only 1000 copies of the single ever made. I've got number 160. <3 <3

My play list is currently-

1) Goo Goo Dolls- Iris
2) Mew- Beautiful Balloon
3) PJ- Oh My Lover
4) Flogging Molly- Selfish Man
5) Hole- Violet
6) Courtney Love- Mono
7) Mew- She Spider
8) Jack Off Jill- When I am Queen
9) Jack Off Jill- Angels Fuck
10) L7- Shove
11) The Slits- Shoplifting
12) Mew- Panda (<3 <3 <3)
13) Hole- Plump
14) Flogging Molly- These Exiled Years
15) Jack Off Jill- Strawberry Gashes
16) Placebo= Taste In Men
17) Placebo- The Bitter End
18) Jack Off Jill- Fear of Dying
19) Hole- Northern Star (<3 <3 <3 <3)
20) Mew- Snow Brigade (first Mew song I ever heard)
21) Hole- Hit So Hard
22) Jack Off Jill- Lovesong
23) Courtney Love- Uncool
24) Placebo- Every You Every Me
25) Hole- Gold Dust Woman
26) Interpol- NYC (I LOVE THIS INTERPOL TRACK!)
27) Mew- Am I Wry? No. (my version cuts out. sob.)
28) London After midnight- Where Good Girls Go To Die
29) London After Midnight- Ruins
30) Fields of Nephilim- Secrets
31) VNV Nation- Electronaut
32) Grandscope- Mono Dance
33) Miss Kittin- Franc Sinatra 2001

Sigh. I'm so cold. Inwardly and outwardly.

I hope Rob had a good birthday.

I hope everyone had a good day. I haven't. I didn't.

I couldn't sleep last night. I spent the whole night putting myself in scenarios. And trying to work my way out of them. All Night. Seriously. I was checking the clock every five minutes.

I feel sick, and ill.

I've been reading Fight Club. I'm only at the beginning. It's very strange but I like it. It frightens me. But. I'm enraptured.

I have clip on earings in. My fingers are blue with cold. We bought a Nick Cave dvd today.

I want to go to bed.

I miss. I miss. I miss. I don't know. Something's missing.


I wish I was tiny. Eight. No, Six. Six. No problems, or worries. Just being. At home. Happy smiles. Warm. In a happy family, with mummy, and daddy, and a dog, and a cat. And a house with flowers in the garden and four windows and a pillarbox red door. And trees in the back garden and a pink room. And friends that came round for tea on fridays. And teachers who smiled and gave you gold stars. And parents who didn't push you. Stripy clothes. No care for the way you look. No vanity, or social status. No expectations. No hard labour or school work you don't udnerstand.

Just smiles.

Isn't it funny, when you're young, you always crave to be older. When you're older, you always crave to be young. When you're little, people just a few years older than you seem so much BIGGER. TALLER. DIFFERENT. As you get older, you don't even realise you're changing that much.

Spite.

07:59pm 07/05/2004

I've just added Jodie (from school) to my friends list. So helloo :)

+++


I'm feeling grateful of the friends I have. I'm starting to realise it. I do have friends, I just can't seem to keep them.

But the people I'm socialising, or trying to get to know now, are brill.
And I'm so grateful, even if I'm just a bitch to you (michael). or if I only seem to say hello to you. I'm just happy you say it back. Thanks. I know I'm so bad at showing it. But the people who are sticking with me now, and giving me advice, and trying to help me out- thankyou. You mean a lot to me. I concider you friends.
You all rock.
It feels weird to have people understand just a tiny fragment of what I'm feeling. I'm so not used to it.
And Floyd keeps ditching me which sort of sucks. And with the Brendan issues and stuff, I'm just really grateful people are talking to me and letting me hang out with them. So thankyou. And I'm very grateful.

*gush gush*

+++

Um yes. I said I'd write something a little bit less jumbled and random than I did earlier. Hmm.

I've just been listening to Judas O. Again. I have the thing on repeat.

Whenever I hear Billy, and I listen to his yrics, I just feel about a thousand emotions. Just the beauty, the poetry, the feel of the lyrics and the songs, it's just so right. His voice is perfect in a way. So many people dislike his voice but I love it. He stresses it in all the right places. The Pumpkins are one of my favourite bands. Ever. They've got me through so much.
The first song I ever hear was Bullet With Butterfly Wings. And it made my laugh. Because I just thought he was messing around. Using freaky metaphors. And then I bought Simaese Dream. And I listened to it first time at midnight. With headpohnes. Watching the rain.
And it was just this beautiful revealation. Just his voice. And the guitar. And the way he was singing. Just the way his voice slips in and out of the instrumental. How intricate, how touching, how careful and slick the album is. Every time I listen to it I stop. And smile. And wonder.
*It's alright honey, it's alright.. yeah..*
Then Mellon Collie. Which I am word perfect on. I love that album. I love it. I adore it. Adore is a fitting word to use. I spent days listening to it repetatively. Memorising every note, every riff, every piece of anger, love, beauty, brilliance, genious. The way he screams, the way he lets it all go. Lets it all out. The frustration, the excitement, the self-hatred. He just lets it go. And it's twisted beauty, poisoned elegance. It's so extremely enfusing. When I listen to that album, I just want to be part of it. It's just.. inspiring. Awe inspiring. It's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I own.
I have Adore. I could talk about that all night, really. But it would just sound so similar to the other two paragraphs that it would be a waste of time. I love it. I care for it. He soudns so broken on Annie Dog. He sounds so wonderful on Adore. He sounds so in love when he croons Perfect. <3

Now Judas O. It reminds me of one person. One person I seem to concentrate so much on in here. But still. Love is love. I was telling Charlie (another girl in my class) today about love. I was asking Michael about love in science the other day. Me and Floyd talk about love a lot. Love. It's just. So contradictory. So many people think so many different things. Some people think sex is love. Some people think the two arent even related.
I don't know what I think. But I know that love shouldn't be something quick and easy. It should be lasting and beautiful. And two way. Two way passion.

But yes. It makes me think of Mia.

*disconnected by your smile.. disconnect a million miles..*

Sigh. So true. Thank you Billy for producing this utter, utter, utter beauty. This gem. This gorgeous band. This gorgeous noise. This sound that can make me feel so many different things in such a short period of time.

I saw her twice today. Both times she was with people and didn't see me. Sometiems I wonder if it's better that way.

I wonder if it pisses her off, that some little kid fanices her? I wonder if she takes it seriously?
I wonder if she even cares, remembers, knows even?

But I wonder and care and know. Sigh.


I felt so isolated today. Floyd just walks off with Brendan (who I have a severe hatred for) and Grant and Lawrie. Whoever's cool or popular or getting attention at the time. I'm not going to Rob's party when everyone else seems to be. Me and Charlie spend more time talking than me and Floyd.

SIGH.

Still.

* I want to believe, in you, dear.. your song, you sing, in truth there's no other.. I want, to believe, in you dear... *

*Beautiful, you're beautiful.. as beautiful as the sky... *

How I wish I could write

Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

or

By starlight I'll kiss you
And promise to be your one and only
I'll make you feel happy
And leave you to be lost in mine
And where will we go, what will we do?
Soon said I, will know
Dead eyes, are you just like me?
Cause her eyes were as vacant as the seas
Dead eyes, are you just like me?
And all along, we knew we'd carry on
Just to belong
By starlight I know you
As lovely as a wish granted true

or a million other songs.

Sigh.

I want her so.

Tonight I'm going to force myself to sleep. Somehow. I need to.

I want a picture of her. I want to stick my school photo up and circle all the people I know, my friends, people in my class, cool people, people who get my bus. And I want to put a heart around her. And then I'll at least have a picture.

I was looking for her on the one up in school today but I couldn't find her.


I need to quote this song. Because it fits.

Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sun
Wonderful, you're wonderful, as wonderful as they come
And I can't help but feel attached
To the feelings I can't even match
With my face pressed up to the glass, wanting you
Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sky
Wonderful, it's wonderful, to know that you're just like I
And I'm sure you know me well, as I'm sure you don't
But you just can't tell
Who'll you love and who you won't
And I love you, as you love me
So let the clouds roll by your face
We'll let the world spin on to another place
We'll climb the tallest tree above it all
To look down on you and me and them
And I'm sure you know me well, as I'm sure you don't
But you just can't tell, who you'll love and who you won't
Don't let your life wrap up around you
Don't forget to call, whenever
I'll be here just waiting for you
I'll be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you
I'll be under the stairs forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you


Sorry this was so big and so full of lyrics. I just can't think of anything of real substance to rant about other than her.

x

05:01pm 07/05/2004

fuck the post I made earlier, it was very messed up.

I'll write something more productive and pretty later. AT the moment I'm too drained.

12:31pm 06/05/2004

I saw her again today. Twice. Once this morning, chatting to friends. Half an hour or thereabouts I was watching her. It felt like seconds. She's just the most beautiful person. Ever.

I saw her again a while later and she slowed down and smiled and waved. Sigh. She is so beautiful. Wondeful. Beautiful. If poetry had a face it would be hers. If love, and beauty, and perfection took a form, it would certainly be hers. She is perfection to look at, perfection to hear, perfection to watch. I want her so.

I have drawn stars on my hand. A milky way. A galaxy. A five pointed, blue biro galaxy. I have the fingers of God. I move stars whenever I move my hand. I realine the planets. I wave and the world waves with me. I have the fingers of God.

I'm so tired it's untrue. School is so repetative it now hurts to attend. I want to go out. All the euccation that's required can be found out outside this building. Being threatened with expulsion and suspension, being graded and ranked and being told to wear a uniform. That isn't education. That's not even preparation.

I can't sleep at home. My dreams are so similar to life it cuts to dream. I remember, every morning, thinking, before someone wakes up and wakes me up, just thinking. And it always comes as a shock when the lights are turned on, even though I'm not even asleep. SIGH, SIGH and TRIPLE SIGH.

07:36pm 05/05/2004

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll
ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd
understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't
coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd
understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd
understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd
understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am




I saw Mia today when I was walking to the canteen with Ant (I think). She looked so stressed and tired. She didn't notice me. I sorta squeaked "Hey". She then stopped and smiled and said "Hi Faye.." It really seemed she was glad to see me. Like she actually acknowledged me and was glad. Wow. I felt so fantastic. But I can't tell Ant these things.

She looks so beautiful, even when she's worn out. She had her hair tied back with just a few curls on her face. Her eyes are the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen. They sparkle continuously. Blue. Saphires. Jewels. Made out of oceans. Out of tears. They're just so hypnotic. Engaging. Beautiful.
Her face just looks so angelic. I love her. I love her. I love her. I wish she'd say she loved me.

I had a dream she was at reading with me. We held hands. She turned. She smiled. She was close. I clung to her. I wish. I had more dreams. But they were more like daydreams. She got my bus. I used to get her bus, that's how i met her. She told Brendan to shut the fuck up. She put her arm around me. We walked off together. We hung out at school. In the summer. Lying on the grass, watching the clouds.

I'm with Andy at reading. Sigh. And I reckon he'll be moody, too. :(

I love her so. I wish I could just talk to her. But I'm uncool and she's VERY cool and it would be embarrassing for her and for me. Sigh. That's why I hate school.


Brendan made me cry on the bus today. I just hate the ways he gets all of my friends to laugh at me. Even Floyd. i NEVER laugh at anything about floyd. But even he joins in teasing me. Even though he promsies he's joking.

But oops. I told my mother. And she's going to cause trouble I fear.


And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd
understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am



And maybe one day she will. But until then. </3

The Airplane Flies High 

12:38pm 05/05/2004

Disconnect me with a smile
Disconnect a million miles
What you said to me, I
Hope it sets you free, and
Disconnect me with a smile...


I LOVE The Smashing Pumpkins.

Judas O is one of the best cd's EVER. EVER. EVER.

Simply for the ammount of beautiful, unreleased rarities that are shoved on it. <3

I mean, where else would you hear Billy Corgan saying, "I don't want to look stupid when I'm sleeping" ? and something to do with "fucking drums". I mean. oooooooh. It's just the best ever.

I wish they hadn't split up SO BAD. I would have loved to see them live. <3 <3 <3

Still, I might be able to see A Perfect Circle live one day. You never know. And maybe Billy one day. You never know. That's James Iha and Billy Corgan. Thats about 2/5's of the band if you count Mellissa Auf Der Maur.

PJ is releasing a new single, too, and a new album! *excitement*

And Gomez and Auf Der Maur are releasing singles and Gomez are releasing an album. Joy! <3

I'm in english at the moment. xxx

Yesterday I Got So Scared I Shivered Like A Child 

07:24pm 04/05/2004

MMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

The Cure were just on totp2.

Doing Inbetween Days.

Robert looked slim.

Apart from Steve Wright calling him "Mad Bob Smith" at the beginning, it was heaven.

I love them SO much.

02:06pm 04/05/2004

I'm off school due to illness. I'm well enough to go but I really didn't want to and I just about managed to persuade my mother.
I've been talking to the coolest guy on faceparty. He quoted a bunch of pumpkins lyrics on his profile so I messaged him and he messaged back, etc. He's very poetic and nice. Hmm.

It has brightened my mood slightly, but not much. I was so wrecked last night. Wrecked in both senses. Sigh. And I have no credit on my phone. So God knows. Sorry if I texted anybody or phoned you.


When you're here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here, ohhh ohhhh
She's running out again....
She's running out, she's run, run, run, run....run....
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

I wonder who that's about. She haunts my dreams, destroys my nights. I don't know what to do. I need something to make me forget. It's not as if she gives two fucks, you know?

Kill me. Kiss me. Choose me. Get me away. 

06:29pm 03/05/2004

I concidered phoning all the people I bruised this year today. Just to say sorry to each and every one of them. Clear the air. Sort the karma out. But they don't give a fuck. Well, I doubt they do.

WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?
Fucking pretty bitch. With your high class friends and gigs. With your looks and your sex and your everything. Hah. Go get sick.

Someone of brilliance who I did something utterly vile to once said I'LL BE YOUR ALL OR NOTHING. (He ven wrote it on a shirt). And I very much agree with him. With most of his thoughts on love and relationships, actually. He really is brilliant. And I was going to phone him but I doubt he'd be that bothered with apologies so I left it.
Daniel- Your morals are fucking fantastic. You're fucking fantastic. And I understand what you mean on so many levels. It's a shame about the circumstance.


I'm so screwed. I need to get out of here. I don't want to go meet with my friends tomorrow. School is murderous. You always have two faces. Ha. You need to be able to keep up with both sides. I thought I could manage but I'm going to burn out so soon. So quick, so fast, so soon.

I wish I could relate to 'loving somebody can actually feel like freedom.' But they're selfish and insolent and I love them for it. And it doesn't feel like freedom. It feels like fucking isolation. Damn her. Damn her to hell.

I hate myself so much. I cut a lot today. I just looked at my reflection. And wished. How I wished it wasn't there. I made myself so sick today. i became everything I've tried to fight against today. I wnated to slash up my face, I wanted to hurt myself for looking so ugly. Shave off my hair and fuck myself up for good. Permanantly scarred. Gauge out my eyes, rip out my tongue, bleed and bleed and scratch and scar. I wnated to feel the pain. I wanted to learn my lesson. But I was too scared. And I couldn't do it.

Cold fire, you've got everything but cold fire

You will be my rest and peace child

I moved up to take a place near you



So tired, it's the sky that makes you feel tired

It's a trick to make you see wide

It can all but break your heat in pieces



Staying back in your memory

Are the movies in the past

How you moved is all it takes

To sing a song of when I loved

The Prettiest Star



One day though it might as well be someday

You and I will rise up all the way

All because of what you are

The Prettiest Star



Staying back in your memory

Are the movies in the past

How you moved is all it takes

To sing a song of when I loved

The Prettiest Star



One day though it might as well be someday

You and I will rise up all the way

All because of what you are

The Prettiest Star

It's wrong of me to call you things. To hiss and bitch when you've done nothnig but be beautiful.

I can't be mad at you for being beautiful and intelligent and popular. I can't be mad at you for being origional and unique and utterly pure and perfect.

But I can be mad at me for not being any of these things. I can be mad at me for not being like you.

HAHAHA self contradictory.


Never follow fashion. Never tell yourself you don't look pretty. They always tell you to be strong, that you'll live through it, that it's just a phase. They tell you to be you.

I am such a fucking cliche. So typical. Not unique. Not anything. Plain and a copy. A clone and a sheep. And I'm too scared to be fucking different. Making me even worse.



I'm going to have to get out of here. Soon.

I could do it tomrrow. I coul shove a bunch of stuff in my school bag and take a tenner with me. Buy some asparin, go to the chemist next door, buy some more, stop at a few more chemists, buy some more. Sod school, go to town, look around, go to the galleries, talk to the guy in oasis, talk to the hare krishnas. Go somewhere quiet, buy a bottle of water. Swallow them all and wait.

In fact, I could just go. Sod the asparin. I could do okay on the streets. I know not to run off with strange men. I can smash faces in like nobodies buisness. Ask the people of beaten up before. I could live it rough. I could make new friends. I could make my band. My record. I'd have all the time in the world to capture my perfectio nand pain in a note.

HA I'M SUCH A FUCKING LIAR. AND SUCH A FUCKING SCARED ONE AT THAT.



I just don't want to stay here. With these people. Because it's all so cold and two faced. Expectations and grades and exams. Determining your future when you're living in the present. Striving for something. And if you don't get there, that's it. That's no life.



The sniper in the brain, regurgitating drain

Incestuous and vain, and many other last names

I look at my watch, it says 9:25 and I think "Oh God I'm still alive"



Get me out of here. Now. Someone.

I don't give a fuck who you are as long as you have an ounce of philsophical thought, beauty and appreciation for things that matter whizzing around inside your head.



She's never going to look at me twice. I am nothing more than a line in her book. I'm nothing to her. She's going to live to be old. She's not going to remember me. She's not going to think back in ten years time and think of my name. My face aint going to crop up amongst her memories. She's not going to smile at my mention. She's not going to remember me at all.



It's all so one way. So fucking one way. It cuts and hurts and scars. It scars worse than the scars I can inflict on myself.

someday you will ache like I ache. 

04:29pm 02/05/2004

Sometimes I wish people could read my life.

The same lines keep running through it. The same monologues, the same quotes, the same feelings. The same words to describe people.


I am nothing more than a line in your book.

If not a word.

No, a syllable. That's more fitting.



Sometimes, I feel like the origionality in my life couldn't fill a page.

Sometimes I feel like it could easily could fill a library.






I really need somebody of substance. I can't take this alone.





I tried telling the ignoramus' in my class about the law of Karma. I used killing as an example. They asked if they killed somebody if they'd then be killed three times more.


Sometimes things are worse than death.


My mind is dead. Suffocated and bruised. Exams are coming up. I can't do them. Parents evening, school, work, maths, music. It's all so pointless.


I fall just to see you rise.


They all say things will get better. You'll live through this, they say. We all did.



My future is so bleak. I'm not me. I'm everyone else. I can't be everyone else, though, I'm no good at it.

I don't even know who I am.
Or maybe I do but I'm too disgusted with the answer.




I don't actually want a future.

08:28pm 01/05/2004

I stumbled across friends (who were boys, and like, proper FRIENDS) today discussing how they thought my tits were "fucking massive" and "fucking awesome", trying to guess my bra size and wishing they could see my rack.

Hmm.

In other news I asked my parents if I could give up Latin today. hahaha. Not a nice move.

I'm now thick, undeserving of my place at school, and it is doubtful I shall ever ammount to anything more than (I quote) 'another one on the dole'. Oh and it is extremely doubtful I'll now make it to university, let alone oxford or cambridge. Pass my A-levels- no way. Get a career- no way.

I was also once again compared to my brother when it comes to my guitar and behaviour.

"David used to practice for hours a day- why dont you? He oculd play blues so well. Why can't you play any blues? Why don't I hear you practicing for more than an hour at a time? Have you practiced yet today?
Your brother's worked hard all of his life. He puts so much effort into everything. Look how hard he's working for his band. He's never been out of education since he left school. Why can't you apply yourself? Why are you so lazy?
Everything comes so easy to you. When David was your age he had to do twice the ammount you do now and he never got treats and he always did well at school and his attendance was perfect and he's trying so hard. And he's at uni. He;s never left education. Look at how he's working on his music and developing new skills.
If they don't force those girls who got drunk to leave the school I'm gonig to write a letter. Did you drink? Did you smoke? I bet you did. You're always misbehaving. You're always lying.
David's always looking out for other people. He's always so grateful of what he gets. he's not spoilt like you. He's always ready to help and to learn. Why aren't you?"

And on and on and on.

Sigh last night my brother was baby-sitting (God I hate that term) and we barely said two words to each other. I just have the feeling he doesn't want to talk to me.

A while ago my mom was saying, just before we went on holiday I think, how she'd "leave me at home, but it would be so unfair on David when he doesn't even like taking care of you".

I just don't know any more. We used to be so close. I felt I could tell him anything and everything. I felt closer to him than anyone in the world. He'd always be there sort of thing. I remember writing this poem. "We're the beautiful ones, in the bubble, we're never going to pop" or something. It was a haiku I wrote a few years back. And I remember writing it and just thinking- wow, that's so true. It's just exactly how I feel. That's how we are.


I sometimes wonder what it's like to be that close to your family and always have them there. So you can confide in them and tell them everything and know you're going to get honesty, truthful opinions and advice.

I sometimes wonder how we got so far apart.

I sometimes wonder what it's like to have parents who support decisions and listen to how you're feeling and take it on board, rather than to just expect you to keep up with them and their standards all the time, regardless if those standards are impossible.

And I sometimes know it's my fault.

10:13am 01/05/2004