In 1993 my son, Max, at the age of four, was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. Two and a half years later, at the age of seven, he was diagnosed with a form of muscle tumour called Rhabdomyosarcoma.

Max died in January 1997.

This is a father's story. It tells of my hopes and fears, my feelings and emotions before, during and beyond Max's illness. It describes the growing love which developed between myself and my son, and my subsequent pain after his death. I have tried to describe how it feels to be a parent of a cancer stricken child and the hills and mountains that are climbed and crevasses and valleys which you fall into on this journey.

This book contains fragments, snapshots, and indelible stains which have been left with me after Max's death. It does not and could never fully describe what has happened to us as a family. This is our story and it is unique not because we were very different from any other family but because each family's story is unique.

The material is culled from a diary which I wrote intermittently throughout the second illness and beyond. The diary was used to express these feelings to myself because the people I wanted to tell could not listen and those who wanted to listen, I couldn't tell. The diary is many times longer than the book and is very raw and disturbing. It is a diary of the darkest moments in my life.

The message of the book, however, is one of hope. It demonstrates the amazing courage and fortitude of the children who go through cancer treatment. It also shows that there is a way back from those dark places and that even on the blackest of nights, a light can shine.

After his first cancer, Max emerged as a distant shell, a little old man. Slowly, as he gained strength, he became a child again and for more than two years he remained relatively healthy.

When his second cancer was diagnosed, Max had a lot of difficulty with coping and was very depressed and angry. My wife, Sara, and I realised that we could not help Max medically but that we might be able to give him the will to fight. We tried to change his feelings about himself and his illness so that he could enjoy a quality of life during his treatment.

We were rewarded by a fierce determination and willpower which Max used to fight his disease. He developed strength, confidence and independence and found many ways to overcome his disabilities.

He adapted and accepted his illness and lived his life as full as was possible, as is the case with most children with cancer.

This is a book of my memories of Max.