Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 3 - Waiting

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After the examination we were told formally that Max had relapsed. Max was very chatty and full of spirit and oblivious of the news. Internally both Sara and I were crushed. We could not show our emotions in front of Max in case we scared him. We were both very very frightened.

It is said that having a child diagnosed with cancer is like grieving. Not quite true. I have done both and there is nothing like true grief, but diagnosis or suspected diagnosis is close. We went through this five times with Max. Three times were real cancers, and the other two were suspected cancers. Every one was very traumatic.

Sara and I had a desperate feeling of the unfairness of it all. What had we done to deserve this? We had done this once, why again, why a second cancer? It is human nature to look for a reason, a pattern in your lives. We found none. Why was this happening to this caring, sensitive, loving child? What had we done to deserve this? We had done our best as parents, as most parents do. Why were we being rewarded with this? They are the human questions that have no answers because there are none. The news that Max had cancer again was shocking enough but the following weeks were very confusing. We waited desperately for news of what was to follow and tried to prepare for our expectations. The waiting was interminable.

Have you ever really waited? I don’t mean queuing, I mean real waiting. Have you waited for exam results, getting a job, losing a job, a birth, or the outcome of an accident. Those nail biting moments. Take those and multiply them. Take the hours and days, the frustration and torment, and multiply them many many times.

Parents can wait weeks for the diagnosis and then the prognosis of their child's cancer. Initially they are not told that the illness is cancer but they know there is something radically wrong. After weeks or even months their worst fears are realised.

Over and over you hope that you have a consultant who is human and has made an awful mistake and has got it all wrong. This deception is so easy. Your son is receiving morphine for the pain but perhaps it is really some other illness. An internal injury perhaps? An infection that is spreading? It is so natural to paint these landscapes of hope, but deep down we knew the truth, we’d seen these doctors at work. We'd seen what they did which sometimes bordered on the impossible. We knew that they knew what they were doing. But still you entertain these vestiges of hope.

We knew that when Max was diagnosed with cancer for the second time that it was a death sentence. We had been told quite clearly during his leukaemia that the treatment was all or nothing. There were no second chances for this disease because of the very strong chemotherapy required. The first cancer had been ‘Last Chance Hotel’. There was no going back. When Max was diagnosed the second time Sara and I went into a grieving for the living. How long did we have?

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