Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 6 - Reactions

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The only people who I could tell, who had any comprehension of what how I felt, were those in the Unit. But these people could not give that look of horror or sympathy which I craved because they were in the same situation.

When I did tell anyone about Max, there was the shock, but also a total incomprehension, because they did not, could not, truly understand what I was trying to tell them. It was almost as if I craved a person who would be shocked by the information, and yet had a detailed understanding of the complications and complexities which I also wanted to explain. People like this do not exist. As a result I would wander the town feeling like a Martian in disguise.

It is very easy for a couple to grow apart during a child’s cancer. During Max’s leukaemia Sara and I fell into two totally disparate camps. I shut down emotionally and tried to cope with the situation practically. Sara reacted emotionally and was unable to be practical about the logistical problems. Both were extreme reactions to an extreme situation and totally unsuitable. I could not take in Sara’s feelings for Max and Paula and she could not take in the necessity for the organisation required when your family is suddenly fragmented without warning. These reactions were very damaging to both of us.

We were more prepared after the diagnosis of Max’s second cancer. We both listened to each other and had more empathy for each other's views.

We went to see the hospital psychologist who helps families come to terms with the onset of childhood cancer. She talked to us both about our reactions to Max’s new cancer and how we were coping. We told her that we had realised where we had gone wrong the last time and how we intended to cope this time. We told her that after the shock of the initial diagnosis how we had switched into crisis mode again. We had packed our bags ready for hospital visits. We had discussed how we would cope with Paula, how we would work shifts while looking after Max, and how we would cope with the interminable phone calls. I'd already told my employer about Max’s relapse and that I would be handing in my notice so I could devote my time to looking after Max. The company was exceptionally understanding and told me I could go on sick leave and that resignation was not necessary.

The psychologist seemed surprised at our reactions and apparent preparation.

“You seem to be approaching Max’s cancer as if it is a battle?”

“It is, we've been here before and we’ve learnt. We know to expect the unexpected.”

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