Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 6 - Reactions

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We had been set adrift on the sea in the Tropic of Cancer. It's not just your child. Everyone becomes involved. This sea has ripples which spread far and wide. Friends, family, neighbours, the school, the workplace, all are suddenly brought into very close contact with something which doesn't happen to people you know. It suddenly becomes real. It's not the comfy insulated virtual world of the television and newspapers and people suddenly realise their fragility and insignificance in the wider scheme of life.

Many were to be touched by Max’s cancer. It left a number of parents irrationally afraid for their children. Childhood cancer is rare but often does not seem so when you know an afflicted family.

Max’s close friends also suffered badly and for a long time. Their childhood virginity of innocence was cruelly stripped away. Children should not be faced with the stark reality of death. Not the death of their own kind. Death is what happens to ‘old’ people. It is not part of their world of Super Mario, and dens in the garden and doll’s houses and bike riding. The fears of children include ogres and sandmen and dinosaurs. They include very real fears of the imagination which live in the dark and in nightmares and hidden corners under the stairs, but such fears should never show their face in the real world.

How does a four year old cope with her sibling's second cancer? Paula did not really know what was happening but understood its gravity. Suddenly her brother had been taken back to hospital and yet again all attention was focussed on him. She knew that the hospital meant trouble even though she was only eighteen months old when Max was first treated. During Max’s leukaemia she spent some time living with friends while we looked after Max. During his second cancer we tried to stay together as a family and this was made much easier by the fact that we went home regularly.

About a week after Max was admitted with his second cancer, Paula came into the hospital and wanted to tuck his teddy into bed. She wanted to give Max his presents but could not understand why he would not wake. She tried to give him a kiss. Max was unconscious and I then realised that no-one had explained to her what had happened. I tried to explain that he was sick again and that he was asleep because of the medicines which would make him better. I tried to explain why he had a tube coming out of his body and she seemed happier for the explanation, but who can tell? How much is really taken in?

After Max woke we explained to him how concerned Paula had been. The next time she visited he told her how much he loved her and gave her a big kiss. She gave Max her koala teddy which was her most treasured possession. She also became very agitated when he wouldn’t take his medicines. I think this was because she understood our explanation that he needed them to get well again.

When Paula started school she was particularly upset at Max’s absence and ended up in floods of tears.

Paula had so looked forward to going to school with Max. Like many younger children she worshipped her elder sibling and yet he was not there for her.

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