Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 6 - Reactions

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Although our society has lost touch with harsh reality, most people were exceptionally empathetic. They placed themselves in our situation and were filled with horror. The compassion shown to us during Max’s illness was uplifting. People we did not know, have never met, will never meet, took the trouble to send caring and heart warming letters full of consideration. We received long and deeply touching letters from friends of friends who had been touched by our plight. People also often sent flowers. Others looked after Paula, or cooked meals for us, or did washing and ironing. These were very practical and extremely helpful acts of selflessness and made a huge difference. It raised my faith in the human race.

There was the odd paradox that kindness used to upset us. The psychological defensive walls are there for the bad times. If life appears to be constantly knocking you down then you react by fighting back and trying to carry on. That's natural. What you cannot prepare for are the acts of kindness. It was the little acts, the little gestures by people, the small and large acts of care which were never solicited and were given so unselfishly that left us defenceless. You have no defence, no mechanism, to cope with kindness. You cannot hold it at arm’s length and it leaves you close to tears. There were many occasions like this.

A lot of people leave you feeling humble and almost guilty with the efforts that they make to help. We were deeply grateful. We still are. They made a huge difference.

There were also people who showed a complete lack of empathy. In one case a friend visited the house when we were home from hospital. It was difficult to tell if he just could not handle the situation or was just being insensitive. We had explained the gravity of Max’s illness but our words seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. He told us that we should move house and get out into the country and how this would be so much better for Max. I was told how stressed I looked and that I ought to leave the city and lead a more relaxed life. At one point he said “Well the outlook seems hopeful for this illness.”

We looked stressed because our son had a second and different cancer which had a minimal hope of cure. We looked stressed because every four days or so we had taken a lurch further into the morass and seemed to be making no headway. We looked stressed because we were trying to confront the unthinkable.

In another case the local sports centre wanted a letter proving that Max had cancer before they would refund the remainder of the costs for his trampoline lessons. This was in contrast to the first time he had cancer when we received a card signed by all the staff.

There were two other cases of complete lack of human understanding that I found unforgivable and both of these involved religion. I was not and never will be religious, but I respect those that are. Religion is personal and it reflects the way in which you view the world. I classify religion into three categories.

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