Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 8 - Allan

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The turnaround in my outlook towards Max's cancer was a very difficult because I had to throw away my props, those mental crutches which were there to help me hobble through this horror. My wall was dismantled on behalf of my son. I knew that in doing so I was psychologically completely exposing myself. In taking this decision I knew that if he died then I would pay in spades. This was a perceptive thought in the light of the years that followed.

I thought that I knew stress. I had worked on an exceptionally stressful project for a number of years. It involved very long hours, impossible deadlines and a very steep learning curve. This was a sink or swim mentality which fortunately has started to decline within the company. This type of project was known as a ‘Death March’ because of the demands it placed on those involved. On this project I worked hard, was stressed, but kept my head above water.

There was only one occasion when I had physical symptoms due to stress prior to Max’s illnesses. I was at work when I suddenly felt extremely dizzy. I went home and was very disoriented and started to hallucinate. I went to the doctor who said that I might have a virus, but given what I had told him about my work, he recommended that I take time off to just get my strength back. In retrospect I do not think it was caused by a virus because I experienced similar but less severe symptoms twice in the following year. I scaled back my hours and all was well. Physical symptoms from stress are just the body's way of saying ‘Whoa, slow down, this all too much’.

During Max’s leukaemia, I felt that I was coping fairly well and this assessment was reflected by those around me. My body reacted differently. The sublimation of all those emotions seemed so easy, but the pressure builds and there has to be somewhere for it to vent. The effects of stress manifested themselves when we returned home after Max's treatment.

Often when I got up in the morning I often found that I was unable to stand. My left leg just gave away beneath me and I collapsed on the floor in pain. It subsided after about five minutes and there were never any other symptoms during the day. This happened many many times and really frightened me. Initially I thought that there was something seriously wrong, but I was too frightened to visit the doctor. I was also worried that she might dismiss me as a hysterical parent. (This was long before I got to know our doctor well) These symptoms continued for a number of weeks and became an almost daily occurrence before I felt compelled to take some action. I decided to go for a company medical. This was a service provided by my company which involved a general medical check up that covered all aspects of health. I felt an independent physician would perform an unbiased examination and if no physical cause was diagnosed then I could tell him about Max.

I went for the medical and told the physician about the symptoms. He examined me and stated categorically that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my leg.

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