Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 8 - Allan

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I went back to change Max’s dressing and clean the entry site of his Hickman Line. In the middle of tending Max there was a knock at the door. It was a parking warden accompanied by a policeman. Sara answered the door, panicked, and said “It’s not me, it's my husband, he’s in there!”

I left Max prone in the bedroom and diplomatically apologised and explained our situation. I told them we were under a lot of stress as a result of Max’s cancer. The policeman was very understanding and also quite relieved. He told me that he expected to find someone caving in the front of the car with a sledgehammer. My threats had obviously made an impression on the hapless car owner. The policeman accepted my explanation and then started to walk round the offending car, inspecting it in detail. My blood ran cold. How the hell would I explain the nails after my contrite excuses. He never saw the nails but left a note on the car asking the owner not to park in front of our house again.

The warden was very sympathetic. She told us that the Council could classify the parking space as reserved because Max was disabled. I approached the Council but there was no money left in that year's budget. Max died before the new budget was available.

I removed the nails and we never saw the car in our street again.

I would never dream of taking those actions now. Stress pushes you into strange places, places you would prefer not to visit.

In addition to anger and stress there is often also a feeling of guilt. Generally I have been free of guilt. My philosophy is that you cannot change what has happened. What is in the past is gone and you should not dwell on it because it cannot be altered.

I did feel some guilt. I noticed Max’s tumour about two months before it was diagnosed and before any other apparent symptoms. I noticed that his perineum looked raised. I examined myself but he looked different. I wondered if this was due to a change of body shape during puberty. The thought of a tumour did pass through my mind momentarily. I was constantly looking for leukaemia so I dismissed this apparent oddity. At that time I did not realise that children with leukaemia could have tumour-like symptoms. To maintain your sanity you have to rein in the wild thoughts and that was what I did.

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