Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 8 - Allan

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Three months into Max’s second treatment, I received a poignant and ironic letter. It was a call for Stage Two testing as a bone marrow donor. This had nothing to do with Max's current cancer. I had signed up with the Anthony Nolan Trust as a potential marrow donor about three years previously. Stage Two testing occurs when you blood meets certain criteria required by the prospective patient.

I was upset when the testing kit and letter arrived. I had spent time during Max’s treatment, wondering how I would react if I was called to donate bone marrow. The reality of the parcel arriving shattered the calm. I felt that the donation would be emotionally traumatic and was not sure if I could to come to terms with it.

Many people are worried about the procedure because it involves a general anaesthetic. Max had had about ten operations which required general anaesthetic. I did not feel that I had the right to be worried. My main concern was that if it came down to donating marrow, then it would happen at about the time Max would be finishing treatment, which would be a very difficult time for us all. Despite these reservations, I had a very strong desire to be selected. I wanted something, anything, good to come from Max's illness. If I could help save a life then it would help restore some of the crazy imbalance in my world.

There were other complications too. What if I had a genetic component which could react with the patient and cause another cancer? I went to the Professor to seek advice. His view was that I should donate unless the recipient had a particular type of cancer.

There was about one in a hundred chance that my antibodies would match those required for donation. They did not match.

I had a strong desire to put something back. I desperately wanted to contribute in some small way. I tried to help families while at the Unit. Usually it was just little things like telling them how the appliances in the kitchen worked, where to find the new bed linen, comforting an upset child, offering help or doing anything which would ease their burden. I remembered what it was like for us feeling so lost in this unfamiliar environment. It was not nice.

I have offered help to a number of families. I wrote to three families and offered support as someone who had been through something similar. Nothing came of these offers. I corresponded with one family over a period of about a year. We never met but they seemed grateful for my letters. I helped two families at the start of their children's illnesses by telling them of our emotions and tried to show them that everything they thought and felt was normal. Another family was sent bereavement help after their son died.

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