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| Chapter 9 - Memories of Max |
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At this point the rage and pain subsided. The child stopped sobbing and spoke calmly and quietly. |
“Yes Dad there is something you can do, there is something I want.” He spoke clearly and slowly and looked his father in the eye. “I want you to go to the kitchen.” |
His father interrupted, anticipating a request for a drink or food that only he might be able to provide given the antagonism of his son towards the nurses. |
“Do you want a drink or a biscuit?” |
“No, I want you to get a long knife, a very long sharp knife, and I want you to give it to me so I can stab myself over and over and stop all this pain. I just want to die.” The composure dissolved and the boy started to sob uncontrollably. |
The father was shaking and close to tears and the nurses were also visibly shaken. |
Outside the ward the mother cried. |
This was my son and my family. |
This was one of many disturbing scenes which I endured. I was not ready for it. One thing I learnt from Max’s treatment is that the pain never happens when or in the way you expect. I also leant that despite the feeling that you have reached the end point, the point where you think you cannot cope, there is always something there deep down inside which carries you through the next incident. It's there because the will to carry on is not for you, it’s for someone else, it’s for your child. After the child is gone that strength is much harder to find. |
The anger felt by Max is common in children diagnosed with cancer. The anger stems from the fact that their innocent lives have been stripped bare and to the core. Their bodies are no longer their own. They are forced to come to terms with examinations, operations, deprivations and the invasiveness of medical procedures. Their little bodies have let them down. Their body has become incontinent, it vomits, it hurts. It will not do what it used to do. They have been betrayed by their bodies, they have been betrayed by the gross injustice of their cancer. |
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| Copyright © 2001 |
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