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| Chapter 9 - Memories of Max |
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“Max, I hate making you taking your medicines, I hate it because of how upset it makes you. It makes me very upset seeing you so upset.” |
He carried on beating the living daylights out of the beanbag. |
“I bet you wish that was me because of all the horrible things I've made you do.” |
“Oh no, not you Daddy, you’re so lovely.” |
Exchanges like this are the most difficult. You steel yourself against the expected. I expected him to hate me for my constant nagging to take pills or to let me clean his dressing. I asked the question in order to try and draw out his resentment. I never expected this response. It left me feeling very sad. I was ready for a torrent of abuse and got a single sentence which showed how much he appreciated what I was trying to do for him. That was far harder to cope with than the expected reaction |
As time progressed Max became embroiled in treatment. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever envisaged myself as a Torturer. I am not violent or cruel on any level. In the strange world of childhood cancer many parents become reluctant Torturers. |
The role of Torturer falls on the parent who dispenses the pills, changes the dressings and who persuades, cajoles and often fights with the child. In this dancing mirror world you end up battling with the person you love the most, and more paradoxically, you battle because you love them so much. |
The role of the Tortured falls on the child. From the child’s point of view, they have gone from a normal carefree life into one which is composed of confusion, pain and intrusion. They have nothing left to kick out against except to refuse food, drugs, dressing changes, injections, operations, and anything else that is required in the course of treatment. |
Why do parent’s end up with this role? It happens because the hospitals would not be able to cope if it were not for the role played by parents. There is an enormous amount of work involved in nursing a child with cancer. As a parent you are caught between a rock and a hard place. If you care then you want to do as much as practically possible to help your child yet it can be phenomenally exhausting both physically and emotionally. Sometimes it has to be you because you are the only one who the child trusts despite the battles. |
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| Copyright © 2001 |
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