Chapter 11 - Terminal

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People do survive. Many do move forward and recover from unimaginable horrors. One lesson which I have learnt from our experiences is that all of us have potential far beyond our imagination. There is an inner strength which is fortunately rarely called upon, but it is there in all of us. It is seen daily in the families and the children within the Unit. It is not that rare gleaming jewel which stands out once in a blue moon but is a fortitude and strength and care that you witness in very ordinary people.

I remember a strange nightmare I had the night after Max was diagnosed as terminally ill. In this dream I became a serial murderer in China. After the first murder there seemed no point in stopping and so the killings continued. There was only one murder in the dream. I was helped by a Chinese man who was also my closest friend. After the murder we were chased through alleys by the police and finally caught. At the trial I was given a fifty four year sentence.

I could make no sense of this dream until Sara gave her interpretation. She said that the explanation was obvious. The Chinese connection was Max and my sentence in the dream was the life sentence of living with Max's death.

Sara and I had to tell Max that he was going to die. We tried to broach the subject the day after the Consultation but he didn't want to talk.

The following day Max and I watched 'Friends' and 'Caroline in the City'. He loved their humour and I would often sit with him cuddled in my arms while we watched them together. He was in good spirits and laughed a lot throughout.

Sara and I sat down after the programmes had finished and attempted the most difficult conversation either of us would ever experience.

"Max, what did you understand about your illness?"

"Well, it's come back, so I suppose that means I'll have to have another line and more chemotherapy and more hospital and more illness." There was a weary tired resignation in his voice.

"Well yes, but didn't you hear the Prof say that there was no need for a line? They will be giving you chemo but it won't be through a line because the chemo that they're giving will not to cure you. They can't treat you any more."

His forehead furrowed and his voice started to crack and verge on the hysterical.

"What do you mean?"

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