Chapter 11 - Terminal

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Max was desperate to know how he would die. We had been told the most likely options. kidney failure, liver failure, abdominal failure or infection from the breakdown of the immune system. There was also the possibility of the cancer spreading to the brain. This was the information that we passed on to Max.

We gave Max a set of children's transfer tattoos. He put one on his forehead. It was a Chinese Dragon and was placed there because he believed that this would help fight his disease. He looked strange and rather like a thug with his skinhead haircut and stark tattoo. He put two more over his kidneys for good measure.

I gave Max a steel bullet which I used to take into exams as a child. I found faith in myself by having an object in which to place my faith. This was my lucky talisman and Max needed something in which to believe.

We had tried the ultimate talisman of love. Love can conquer all.

In our case none of these worked.

After Max had been told that he was going to die he would not discuss the subject. It worried us. We wanted to put his mind to rest, we did not want him spending his last days in torment. Sara had a long talk with him about heaven and dying. It seemed to help.

One day, while he was still able to walk, Max came into the bathroom while I was having a bath.

"Daddy, I want to ask you a question?"

"Go on then."

"When will I die?"

I was really pleased that at last the demon had revealed itself.

"Maxie, we don't know. No-one knows. The doctors don't even know. All I know is that you will know when it is going to happen. That's what all the books say. I know this isn't the answer you want but I can't tell you any more. I just don't know. If there is one thing that I want to know it is the answer to your question. Mummy and I find it so difficult because we want to help you, but we don't know when you will die."

My voice started to crack at the end. He looked at me, watching very carefully, trying to see if I was telling the truth.

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