Chapter 12 - The End

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We had had many days watching Max suffering extreme pain. I was not happy with the medication and decided to try and work out why the patches were not working effectively. The patches worked by releasing morphine slowly over a twelve hour period. In terms of drug administration they were a godsend, but in terms of controlling Max's pain they became a nightmare. I found it so degrading seeing such a huge person dissolving into this heap of painful flesh, a pain racked bundle of skin and bone.

I graphed the rate at which we were giving the patches compared to the rate the pain was breaking through and thus reaching the limit for the dosage. It became obvious that the pain was increasing far faster than the patches could release the morphine and that the regimen we had been given for administering the patches was inadequate. The pain was escalating beyond the morphine range of the patch by the time a newly applied patch had started to take effect

I decided to take matters into my own hands. What did I have to lose? My son was terminal. I decided to go way beyond the dosage which had been recommended by the hospital and also beyond the maximum dose advised by the manufacturers.

There are sometimes in your life where you have to believe in yourself against all odds. This was one of those occasions.

Where is the morality here? I was prepared to overdose my son to prevent his excruciating agony. What was my aim? My aim was to let him die with grace and dignity. Max had been through the mill and then some, why should this weak emaciated child endure any more?

This raises the spectre of euthanasia. I have very strong feelings about this subject. I believe that our laws are outdated and lack the care and morality which is required in this difficult and extremely sensitive matter. Am I just trying to defend my actions? No, I do not believe this to be the case. If one stands back from the emotive viewpoint and takes the objective view there are some startling revelations. A horse with a broken leg is put down to save it from the pain. An old dog with an incurable disease is put down in order to respect the animal's rights. These are acts that are performed not because we have scant regard for the animal but because we care for their rights and regard it cruel to prolong the suffering.

In the case of a person suffering from unbearable pain our society takes a different official view. Why? I think this is because human life is regarded as sacrosanct and the taking of one life by another is classed as a deliberate withdrawal of life. An act of killing, of murder. This tenet of our legal system is a very worthwhile but is misplaced in certain circumstances.

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