Chapter 12 - The End

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I did not want to go to Max's funeral. My feelings for Max and his death were intensely personal. I did not want to air my grief in public. Why should I? What did it have to do with anyone else? This was between me and Max and I would grieve in my own way.

There were a number of factors that changed my mind. The first was that Sara and Paula needed me to be there. I didn't care about anyone else but they needed me.

The second reason I went to the funeral was because of a consistent and disturbing message from the books which I had read on bereavement. The funeral is not there as ritual, a pointless custom, but has a real function. It is the final goodbye. It is a recognition that someone has died and will not be coming back. There is no second chance. You cannot go back and do it again. I read about a number of parents who did not attend funerals and suffered years later because they had not gone through this part of the process of letting go. They had no way to say that last goodbye. This worried me.

My mind was eventually changed both by Sara and a family friend who suggested that we view the funeral as a celebration of Max's life. I never wanted a morbid reminder of my grief but their suggestion offered a different and very positive point of view. I am so glad that I changed my mind. I know that I would have regretted missing Max's funeral until the end of my days had I not attended.

Having accepted that I would go to the funeral, I then had strong feelings about the type of funeral that we would hold for Max. I wanted a small funeral with just the immediate family and felt that everyone else could air their grief in a memorial service afterwards. I could miss that.

Sara however persuaded me that there were many others who also needed to air their grief. There were many so people to whom we were deeply indebted. We could not pay them back, but to deprive them of their grief seemed almost immoral.

I also had very definite feelings about the type of service that would be held for Max. I did not want a minister telling us that this was the 'will of God' or that 'it's so much better now that Max no longer feels the pain'. Max had shown that he desperately wanted to live despite the pain.

"Maxie, are you afraid of dying?"

"No, it's not the dying which worries me. It's missing you and Mummy. I don't want to miss you both."

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