Chapter 13 - Flanders

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In one dream, I was sitting on the beach at my old home in West Wales. In the distance on the other side of the beach I spotted a little figure running across the sand towards me. Max had his arms flung wide, as he often did, ready for a big hug when we met.

I stood there transfixed, saying to myself "But how can this be, you're dead."

He ran into my arms laughing and as we hugged I realised that he was not dead at all.

I woke to find that this was yet another cruel illusion.

Many of my Max dreams had no connection with his cancers. They were incredibly vivid memories of him as a happy child, and contained harmless little scenarios of talk and laughter. I cherished these dreams. They were a celebration of Max and not of the suffering associated with his disease or death.

In another dream Sara and I woke one day to find that Max had left us. It was not clear whether he had been abducted but all we knew was that he had gone to India. We were totally distraught. We lost all hope of ever seeing him again.

A number of months later I answered the door to find him standing on the doorstep. I was beside myself with happiness. 'We never thought we'd see you again'. Yet again I woke to find it that this was just another cruel expression of hope.

The dream which probably best describes my feelings about Max was the Raven Dream.

Max and I were being chased late at night. We came to a small brick built building. and we sought refuge inside. I opened the door to find a dark, cold and dank room. Max was frightened so I held his hand as we tentatively stepped inside. The room was about fifteen feet square and lit by dim light from a naked bulb hanging from the ceiling. We were both extremely relieved at having reached the safety of this sanctuary until we saw a shadow loom out of the darkness. It was a huge and terrifying black Raven. It was at least six feet tall and approached us with a silent deathly threatening menace.

The Raven advanced slowly and purposefully. I placed myself between Max and this dark avenger. The bird kept its gaze on him and started to circle us. It became obvious that Max was its prey because it had no interest in me. Max remained transfixed and terrified. I too circled Max, keeping myself between this fearsome bird and my son.

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