Chapter 13 - Flanders

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In addition to the amnesia was another mental reaction to Max's death which was totally unexpected. I found a stark clarity in viewing the world around me. I was able to make clear decisions in situations which previously would have left me uncertain. These decisions not only involved my personal life but also my work. I found myself looking at situations where actions appeared clear cut and obvious and yet all around were dithering. I fought long and hard for my point of view but was often ignored. I became concerned that perhaps my convictions were just another blurring of the mind caused by my grief. It was only with time that I was proved correct. I later watched an Open University program which explained this phenomenon. Apparently this is a common reaction in people who have either been close to their own death or have been through severe trauma. It results from changes in the chemistry of hormones released by the brain as a result of trauma and these hormones swamp normal hormonal reactions that lead to everyday indecision.

There is a well known reaction to trauma that involves the total re-evaluation of your values and beliefs. During and after Max's leukaemia I swore that I would not be touched by his disease. Of course I was, but I vowed to try and not let it dominate or change my life. Dominate it did, change, no. His death was another matter. I do not believe that anyone can say that their lives have not been irrevocably changed by the death of their child.

How does a family of four become a family of three? This was something I thought a week after Max's second diagnosis. The answer is that often it doesn't. It doesn't remain a family. It becomes a grieving mother and a grieving father and sad child. Three individuals and lots of pain. This nuclear family did not explode like a bomb but it slowly and surely unravelled at the seams.

Our marriage ground to a halt and finally ended. My relationship with Sara had been strained before Max's leukaemia, and we sought help but all of this was put on hold during his illness and the years waiting for a relapse and during the treatment of his subsequent cancers.

How did I react to Max's illness? What happens when your future lifeblood is threatened with death?

Your children are what you leave to this weird and wonderful world in which we live. Nothing else. Generally. The odd one or two people leave their mark for a few generations or so, but at the end of the day it is your offspring that survive you. This is why many people spend so much on education and why families in the Third World sacrifice everything so their sons and daughters can live a better life than they have had to endure. At the end of the day your children are everything.

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