Chapter 13 - Flanders

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During the period after we decided that there was no point in continuing with our marriage I had yet another completely unexpected reaction to Max's death. Having shut down completely and felt nothing but void and pain there came a swamping of the senses which was overwhelming.

I became involved in a very complex relationship which led to almost manic moods. It resulted in a soaring elation followed by deep depression which alternated unpredictably and very rapidly. All else in my life was a leaden grey. The intensity of the exhilaration was almost addictive. These highs and lows were beyond anything I have ever experienced.

I and the woman involved became very close but the relationship went no further. Apart from the inherent complexity of the situation, I initially had a desperate fear that my feelings were just a by-product of my bereavement. I later realised that this was not the case, but by that time my life had become totally centred on my grief for Max. I could not face more hurt, mine or that of the woman involved. As much as I wanted this relationship to move forward, I realised that I had to come to terms with Max's death before I could even hope to lead a normal life again.

After Max's death, Paula's relationship with me initially bordered on antagonism. I wanted to heal the rift, but my little girl was deeply hurt by the loss of her brother and the departure of her father. She'd had a difficult life for one so young. After Sara and I separated she would sometimes joke and cuddle with me but not often.

She resented the love I had given Max and I could not blame her for that. It was not something which could ever be retracted. Her rejection hurt me deeply. Over a period of two years our relationship gradually improved.

It was not a rediscovery of a past love between father and child but the building of a new relationship. We started from scratch and have become very close. My time spent with Paula made me focus on the time which had been lost to her during Max's illness. We shared new games and running jokes with each other. We built a routine which became very important to us both. Our day together each week helped me start to forge a new outlook on life.

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