Chapter 13 - Flanders

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On one particular day Sara told about the deaths of two children and a parent. I received another phone call about ten minutes later. I could not speak and just sobbed down the phone to my cousin. This is the only time during my bereavement that my grief was exposed to the outside world. Generally the tears were mine and mine alone.

Despite my desire to distance myself from childhood cancer there was a strange and cruel twist of fate which does not surprise me anymore. I was to experience it all again. So many times the unexpected jumped out from those dark shadows and after a while you become immune to the surprises.

After I returned to work, I sat next to a woman who had also just returned to work after the birth of her second child. About three months after we met she told me that her niece had been diagnosed with cancer. I had come back to work to escape from Max's death and to get my head down and try and hide from anything to do with childhood cancer. I was horrified and upset. I waited for more news to come forth but there seemed to be a lot of confusion. Eventually it turned out that the child's illness had been a misdiagnosis. I felt deeply sorry for the family. They went through all those emotions for nothing.

In a sense this statement is wrong. They went through those emotions again about six weeks later. This time it was for the brother and this time it was not a misdiagnosis.

I found Liam's illness deeply distressing. I'd had a lot of experience of other families problems in the Unit but that was as an equal. You could discuss frankly what you and the other families felt. The treatment, your fears, your child's fears and what the realistic prospects would be.

Being an outsider was completely different. I watched this cancer as a third hand observer. It was incredibly hard. There were many comments made to me which showed an ignorance of the true situation. This was either because it was not understood or that the hospital was only feeding the information which it felt was necessary. I watched and listened but felt that I could not really say anything. Sometimes I would try to cautiously frame my doubts or explain the possible consequences, but I never felt that I could speak my true mind.

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