Chapter 13 - Flanders

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Something in me died at that point. I lost the fire to carry on and fight anymore. I lost an essence within my soul. All throughout my grief the pain would flare up and then die away. I would sink into the depths and then resurface again. It became a constant drowning which became too much to bear. The real frame shift came when I lost the strength to keep my head above water.

I'd lost my son, my daughter did not want to know me, my marriage had fallen apart, and I had fallen in love with someone who had lost interest. I'd spent five years trying to turn our house into a home. I had worked for years to progress my career. It all became irrelevant. Everything that I had held dear and important had gone. There was no anger, no bitterness, not even pain, just an intense feeling of nothing.

I reached the point where I started to think long and hard about suicide. I decided that there would be no cry for help. These feelings of total desperation, of complete desolation occurred many times. These were times where to continue seemed so totally pointless. I had nothing to live for and the loss that I felt engulfed everything around me.

If I was to commit suicide then I felt it must be for real. I never felt the need for help because I'd lost my way in travelling too far down that dark road

I decided that if I were to commit suicide that I must be successful in the attempt. This is easier said than done and requires a courage which I did not possess. Drugs may not work or the body may reject them before they deal their lethal dose and just leave you crippled. I thought about slitting my wrists but could see no way that I could face this gruesome prospect. A gun would have been ideal, but fortunately we live in a gun free society.

These were deadly serious thoughts.

There to counter them was the prospect of the aftermath. Both Sara and my mother also had extreme reactions to Max's death. Many others followed close behind. Paula had lost her brother. If I committed suicide then it would just be another turn of the ratchet. I was not sure if all of them would survive another death. There was so much pain suffered by so many people after Max died. I desperately felt that this pain should go no further. I had visions of ever expanding ripples which my suicide might trigger. My desire to build something positive from Max's death eventually outweighed the need to end my suffering.

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