Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 15 - Phoenix

I made my promise to Max to try and make a difference to those children who were yet to suffer from childhood cancer. I became obsessively involved with my project to help these children. I think that the obsession was unhealthy, but it was an escape and helped occupy my time. It was a way of burying the immediate pain and had very positive aims.

My relationship with Paula at the time of Max's death was non existent to even antagonistic on behalf of both of us. Slowly we became father and daughter. She has become very central to my life and vice versa. She helped me out of the pit of despair. I came to look forward to the day we spent together each week. We started to enjoy each other's company and slowly the relationship grew.

Prior to Max's second illness I kept fit by doing Kung Fu and also by doing physical work on our house. During his second illness all this was abandoned. After Max died I realised that I needed to get physically fit to help cope with the emotional battle which was raging inside me. I found that I just was not as physically capable as I had been in the past and that I became ill far more often and was generally very run down.

I tried running, but found that I kept injuring myself. I took up swimming as an alternative. I found that the exercise invigorated me both mentally and physically. I continued and still swim today.

Another major step forward was a holiday which I took in Malaysia nearly two years after Max died. I decided to go on impulse, and felt it would be good to break out of the routine of home and work. I had no expectations.

I enjoyed the holiday. It was a release. What I had not realised was the benefit of living closely with a group of people who knew nothing of Max's death. I never mentioned it although I told a few people after the holiday. I started to lose my incessant preoccupation with Max's death. It was in the jungles of Asia, on an island in the South China Sea, that I slowly dawned on a new perspective. This was no revelation, there was no miraculous resolution but it was the start of the uphill climb.

Once that climb started, it continued. Sometimes it faltered but in general there was steady progress towards resuming a normal life. The realisation that I was starting to recover from Max's death spurred me on. I knew I could come back and that I would survive. I started to take positive moves to try to return to the real world.

The second major factor in my reconciliation was to take a month off work. I handed in my notice with no job to go to. I intended to visit friends, start this book, do a training course and also take up parachuting. As it turned out the book dominated most of my time off work.

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