Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 15 - Phoenix

When Max was diagnosed with his second cancer I started writing a diary. It was never suggested but seemed the natural way to express those feelings which had no other outlet. I later learnt that this was a process recommended by others who had been through other similar experiences.

'Memories of Max' was in a way a natural progression of the diary and yet very different. The diary was there to vent immediate feelings and served its purpose very well. The book served a different purpose. It was the detailed examination of everything which had happened over a six year period. It required the revisiting of every emotion which I had felt important to note within my diary and those that occurred prior to its inception and after the diary stopped. It was extremely painful and initially involved lots and lots of tears. In the process of going over everything that had happened there is also the process of forcing yourself to yet again accept its reality. The process of revisiting so many of those difficult days so many times had a numbing effect. The horrific became the familiar and lost the power to shock. It slowly just became part of past experience. The writing of the book was cathartic and drew a line under the events of the previous years.

Should I have sought further help in trying to cope with my bereavement? Yes, with hindsight this would have been beneficial. Why did I not do this? I had been briefly very open with friends and relations about my feelings during my grief for Max. I was met with total incomprehension. This was partly because I could not really express the feelings which were surfacing but also because what I could partially express could not be even be vaguely understood. Very few understood why I locked myself away for so long. Very few could make any sense of my pain and thus could not offer the consolation I needed. I became convinced that I was alone in dealing with Max's death and consequently closed down and tried to cope alone.

Looking back I think that much pain might have been avoided if I had sought professional help. This view is given with the benefit of hindsight and is the objective point of view. It is totally different when you are living through the experience alone. I had no objective view because the whole of my life had become so introspective. I would recommend that anyone in a similar situation seeks professional help.

Parachuting was something which I had always wanted to do but never done. I'd had a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I was becoming an 'if only' person. If only I'd had the time, if only it wasn't so expensive. I was worried that I was becoming an armchair dreamer instead of actually going out and living. I had a vision of myself in ten years time regretting not grasping the opportunities while they were there.

I did a tandem free-fall which involves being strapped to an instructor during the jump. We fell one mile in thirty seconds and fell the next mile gracefully by parachute over the next five minutes. It was totally exhilarating and I decided to take up parachuting.

171