Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 15 - Phoenix

Did I feel bitter? Yes, sometimes. There were times when I looked back at the years lost to Max's disease and asked 'Why?'. Six years previously we had woken to be handed an open ended prison sentence. There had been no trial, there was no formal judgement, no-one told us why or how long it would all last.

We cannot change the past but we can determine our future. The only way to resolve a child's death is to look to the future. They can never return. I would sacrifice anything and everything to have Max back but this can never happen. The only way is forward. You have to set yourself little goals and do anything and everything to reach them. When you achieve a goal then pat yourself on the back and set more goals. If you do not reach the goal then put it down to experience and forget it. Set other different goals. We are here only once. There is no second shot at this life. There is no going back over the script and rewriting the bits which didn't quite work the way you wanted. There is no magic rerun.

Anything can be achieved if you truly put your mind to it. I wanted to put something back, I wanted to contribute meaningfully to this tragic mess which is children's cancer. I could not repay those who had shown us phenomenal kindness and care, but I reached a stage where I started to feel that I had the strength to help others again.

The years of nursing Max were one of the contributing factors which made me so pessimistic and negative. It was difficult to stay positive when you were constantly being knocked down again and again. This changed. I found the person I used to be a long time ago. I found again a confidence which had been gradually eroded over the years. I began to believe in myself. I took risks which I would never have previously taken and was vindicated by a success in ways that I could not have dreamt at the time of Max's death.

My recovery started. There were still days when I was tired or stressed and all the emotions came flooding back. There were still black empty days of despair, but they were few and far between. The pain hid quietly behind a curtain. It was like a body propped up at an Irish wake and covered in a shroud. Now and then the shroud slips and the body grimaces and gives a rictus smile which leaves everyone shaken to the core, and then the party continues and all is forgotten. The pain must be endured and then fade quietly and peacefully into the past. I knew that I just had to move beyond those days and that they would be short lived.

Grief is intensely personal. The resolution of grief has to come from within. It can be coaxed and helped considerably by friends, relations and counsellors but in the end there must be the personal desire and determination to move forward.

I learnt much about myself and life by living through Max's cancers and death. For a long time they threatened to break me but in coming to terms with them, I found the great strength and determination that Max possessed.

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