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THE CRUSTY CHRONICLES - CHARACTER SYNOPSIS
CRUSTOPHER GRAYVID EATWELL NIBBLESWICK
Crusty is an eternal 68 years old and has the IQ level of an amoeba, possessing only a single brain cell which is seldom used! He has an almost child-like innocence, lives a juvenile existence and has a strange way of speaking. His normal height is 5' 4" except for when he's accumulated several inches of crust on the soles of his socks. He has a big belly, big nose, huge backside, a cauliflower ear which is deaf and sometimes mishears with comical results. He also has skinny little legs and piggy little eyes. As his name suggests, he is extremely food fixated and is always "bluddy hungry". He loves to sing but is tone deaf!
He's a smelly old tramp of a man, who has a squawky whingeing voice and whose idea of a good wash or shower is a quick sprinkle from the cold water tap, occasionally. His excuse is that he's allergic to water! He has a nodding acquaintance with his Lyril soap which went out of manufacture in the late fifties/early sixties, and he rarely washes his clothes, (his socks and undies in particular) and is "gifted" with extraordinary outbursts of flatulence!
His favourite outfit is his dirty old brown trousers into which he usually keeps a supply of cooked sausages secreted in the turn-ups, his old blue jumper known fondly as the OBJ, his scruffy old black jacket in which he keeps a meat filled barm cake for each shoulder pad and his lucky kipper in his pocket. Sniffy and Whiffy are his favourite socks, and his little black vinyl boots which, because of his sweaty feet, squelch loudly as he walks.
He's as tight as cramp where money is concerned and pays for nothing unless it is absolutely necessary.
At lower than average intelligence, Crusty gets into more mischief than any other person alive, but he has one person who can always help him out.
CRUSTABEL FAIRY LEEKEY (AKA Crustabel the Mighty!)
Well! They do say that opposites attract! Bel is a much larger than life female Desperate Dan or Bluto who is an extremely wealthy woman of a "certain age" and owns several businesses, some of which include Leekey Haulage, Leekey Bathrooms and Leekey Plumbing in Lancashire, and other businesses elsewhere like Leekey Oil in Dallas!
She has a beautiful home and several cars. She's an ace mechanic, truck driver, pilot and is highly intelligent and well-respected.
At 5' 11"+ in her stocking feet and weighing in at 19 stones (and gaining) she has a mouth like a bear trap. "Bel" is a formidable woman with whom nobody argues if they have any sense, and is quite handy with her fists if the occasion arises!
An exceptionally dominant person with a face like a plumber's tool bag and extremely dry wit, she rules Crusty with a rod of iron, occasionally finding it necessary to chastise him in different ways but takes him on many jaunts during which he always gets into mischief.
She has to extricate him from many escapades at home and away in which he regularly finds himself, through "no fault of his own", and the names she calls him are truly unbelievable. One of her most polite endearments to him is "ya dim-witted old ditch rat" to the more colourful phrases such as "ya festering little fart"! Her pet name for him is The Pigmy!
Despite all this Crustabel, (AKA Basher Bel the Battler from Hell) would fight for him in his corner every time and defend him to the last.
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155
A Little Play On Words
(Crusty the Cockeyed Optimist!)
Crusty was getting very excited about the forthcoming trip to Jamaica and almost a week later he started to worry about which of his outfits he should take.
"Wot do they wear in Jam Maker? I'll have't ask my Bel. She'll know."
He picked up the phone and dialled her number, which was answered several rings later.
"Wot do YOU want at this time o' night? D'ya know wot time it is?"
"It's not that late, is it Bel? I thowt it were only about eleven o'clock!"
"It's half soddin' past an'a were just gerrin into bed!"
"Sorry Bel. It dun't matter but canna ring ya in't mornin' so ya can ask me yer question that ya wanted to ask me toneet?"
"Yis ya gawp! But make sure it's not three o-bluddy-clock in't morning! Ring me on me mobile at ten. I'll be at work then!"
"Reet Bel. Hang on though! I can't! I'll be at work then!"
"Well ring me at nine then, neh get to bed!"
Slam!
The next morning Crusty eagerly sat before his clock, watching the second hand gracefully approaching the ninth hour of the day. He had his phone ready in his hand and a grubby finger covered the first digit of Bel's phone number.
At ten seconds to go he punched in the number as fast as he could and as the second hand of the clock reached its goal Bel's mobile started to ring.
"Hello, Crustabel Lee .......!"
"Hiya Bel. It's dead on nine o'clock. Well, it's not now, it's a few seconds past, bur'it were when yer phone started to ring burra timed it beltin' an'ave ..........!"
"Shaaaaadap! It's too bluddy early in a mornin' for yer drivel ya microbiotic fungus-brained halfwit! Now! Worisit ya want this time?"
"Thanks for yer kind words Bel. I only wanted t'ask ya me last neet's question. I writ it down so as I wouldn't forget wor'it was. Wor'amma to take to Jam Maker wi' me when we go? I've norra clue wot sort of outfits they wear so I just wondered if ........."
"Jamaica? It's another two month before we go there so worra ya moiderin' about it now for?"
"Well I just thowt I'd start packing things a bit early so as I wouldn't be rushing nearer to't time!"
"Yer a moiderin' owd sod, yer nowt else!"
"Thanks Bel!"
"Just pack yer normal rubbish burra might treat ya to summat new for ya as well so as ya'll stand out on th'island!"
"Ta! I've still got that nice stuff ya bought me ages ago in Burton's when we went to Mexico and't South Pole by accident bur'it were too cowd to wear 'em there so they're still in good nick!"
"That's a good boy for lookin' after 'em. Ger'em all washed, pressed and folded away neatly for when it's time't pack. Then we can get yer jabs sorted out as well. I'll have't go now lad as me other phone's ringing. See ya soon! Oh hang on! I'll tell ya wot some of 'em wear owd lad!"
"Wossat Bel?"
She had a quick smirk.
"Well the men wear grass skirts, flowery head bands, sun glasses, boxing gloves and clogs!"
"Reet. That's a bit unusual so I'll have't make a note o' that! I'll see wor'a can come up with. Ta Bel. See ya soon owd girl! I'll ring ya again later in't .... JABS?"
She'd gone and he'd fainted momentarily.
When he came to a minute or so later he got up off the floor and scurried off to work. He got the usual ribbing to which he had now become accustomed and then at one o'clock he scampered home as fast as he could.
There was something else he needed to speak to his Bel about and which he'd forgotten about until one of the customers in the cafe had asked for fried cockles on toast and which, on enquiring, Crusty had been unable to supply.
Drrrring, drrrrring!
"Good afternoon, Leekey Plumbing. Vanda speaking. How may I help you?"
"Good morrow Vandal! 'Tis Crusty Nibbleswick a-calling. Is my Bel in please?"
"Oh hello Mister Nibbleswick. It's been a while since I spoke to you. I'll put you through to Miss Leekey! Please hold the line."
Crusty picked up the phone and trundled outside to the washing line while she buzzed Bel's extension and told her who was phoning her.
"Wot the bluddy hell does he want now? Pur'it on't loudspeaker Vanda. Me hands are full!"
Crusty was put through and suddenly his Bel's angry voice came over the phone.
"Wot d'ya want now ya moidering little sod? I'm reet in't middle o' summat important!"
He put his thumb in his mouth and his eyes clouded with tears.
"I'm sorry Bel. I cawn't do nowt reet burra need t'ask if ya'll come round to my house straight after ya finishes work 'cos there's summat I need ya't do. It's proper important."
Vanda came in just then and sat at her own desk in a corner so Bel softened her voice a little but Crusty's voice still boomed loudly over the speaker.
"Alreet owd fettler but ya don't have't shout down't phone. Don't forget it's Thursday today and I thought I'd come round to your house every Thursday for a night in 'cos I enjoyed it last week. Now you just tell your Bel wot's wrong this time!"
"Well, first of all canna let go of me washing line now as'am talking to ya! It's a bit awkert juggling't phone!"
"Ya daft owd duffer. Yes, go back into the house!"
He shuffled back in and sat down on the floor with his legs crossed.
"Woritis Bel, I could do wi' ya coming round later today even if it wasn't Thursday to have a look at th'owd cock! There's summat not reet wi' it!"
"Ya wot? Did ya say th'owd clock or't th'owd cock?"
His squawking whingeing voice came over the speaker again.
"It's th'owd COCK Bel! It's doing doodles bur'it's not done any do's for a bit!"
Vanda stifled a giggle.
"Erm ....."
"It's just sitting theer lookin' all pathetic and floppy and dopey. Will ya come? I think it needs yer magical hands!"
"Erm ....."
"Bel? Can ya hear me Bel?"
"Er ..... All o' bluddy Lancashire can hear ya lad, neh lower yer voice!"
"I wouldn't ask Bel only ya knows I'm not much good at handling lickle squirmy type object things like cocks an'am sure ya'd be proper gentle wi' it."
"Ya did say that ya wanted me't come and look at th'owd cock for ya, didn't ya lad? Thar'is wot ya said!"
Vanda had been attending to some paperwork at her desk and when she'd first heard Crusty bellowing down the phone she'd looked up and started tittering but now her eyes were rolling with tears.
Titter, snicker!
"Shurrup Vanda!"
"That's reet Bel. It's gone all limp and squidgy an'a don't know how't make it better again. We might have't tek it to't doctor! Will we wrap a bandage round it?"
"Wot d'ya mean it's gone all limp and squidgy? Does it smell of owt and stop yer bluddy shouting down't phone?"
Vanda fell off her chair with a bump, rolling around holding her belly and laughing her head off, legs kicking in the air.
"Belt up Vanda and ger'up off't floor!"
"Well it does smell a bit funny burra suppose it smells like all owd cocks Bel. I've only ever smelled this one before. I'm nor'in th'abit o' gooin' round smelling at owd cocks! I must admit though it does smell a bit musty but that mit be normal!"
"Well, has it gone a funny colour?"
Vanda was muffling her laughter with a hankie stuffed in her mouth and her eyes were streaming.
"No Bel. It's still reddish brown, same as it allers is!"
"Reddish brown?"
Vanda started choking for breath. She'd never laughed like this before!
"I'll come round straight after work then owd lad, if I have to. I don't really relish the thought bur'if it's summat ya think I can help with I'll do me best!"
"Ta Bel. See ya later then. I'll get th'owd cock out when ya ger'ere! I'd best not tek it out yet 'cos it mit go floppin' about on its own! I'll 'ave yer tea ready for ya!"
"Ta lad, good idea, see ya later!"
After their call was finished she realised what his last sentence had been and prayed all afternoon that he wasn't going to cook her one of his supreme delicacies.
Vanda was wiping her eyes and blew her nose.
"Er .... excuse me Miss Leekey but I couldn't help overhearing. Did Mr Nibbleswick want you to ..........."
"Shurrup Vanda!"
"Sorry Miss Leekey but that was hilarious. Best of luck to you!"
Bel knocked on his door in trepidation later that day and he answered it with a worried look on his face.
"Come on in Bel. Let's go into't kitchen then I can show ya't th'owd cock in there. I don't want to ger'it out in't living room in case somebody sees through't window and thinks I've bin nasty wi'it. They might send for't cruelty mon!"
She wrinkled up her nose, held her breath and prepared herself for the worst.
"Go on then ya nasty owd bugger. Ger'it whipped out!"
To her surprise he popped out through the back door then came back in with a large box, which he put on the table.
"It's in theer Bel. You have a look!"
Although relieved that he hadn't gone foraging about in his trousers, she didn't know what to think so she tentatively opened up the box and jumped when she saw something rustling about inside.
"Wor'hast getten in here Crusty? Summat moved!"
"It's only th'owd cock I were telling ya about Bel. They normally crow early in a morning but this one's bin doing it in't middle o't th'afternoon so I thowt there were summat up wi' it. I towd ya, it's bin a-doodling bur'it's not done no do-ings!"
"Can ya try thar'again in English I can understand owd lad?"
"I'll try Bel! Well! Th'owd cockerel normally does cock-a-doodle-do, dun't it Bel? Well! This un's only bin doing a-doodle wi' no cocks and no do's. D'ya see wor'a mean Bel?"
She heaved a sigh of relief.
While he'd been explaining, it all fell into place, and she felt a fit of the giggles coming on. Just wait till she told Vanda! By the time he'd finished his explanation she was in bulk laughing, but thankful that her worst fears hadn't been justified.
"Havva said summat funny Bel?"
Just like Vanda, she also wiped her eyes and blew her nose, which had started running through laughing so much.
"Yis lad ya did, an'a see wot ya means. Okay! Let's have a look at th'owd lad!"
She gently lifted the cockerel from the box and it looked at her with penetrating beady eyes.
Doodle!
"Come on then. Let me have a look at ya. Crusty's worried about ya owd lad. I'll nor'hurt ya."
Doodle!
"Shurrup wi' yer bluddy doodlin' for a minute."
While she was examining the bird to make sure it hadn't been hurt in any way Crusty piped up from behind her.
"Ya know summat Bel. I were only thinking t'other day about when we met them Wild Natives in America."
"Native American Indians! Wor'about it owd lad?"
"Well ya know we met Runny Arse in Pine Bluff?"
"Running Horse! Yes!"
"Can I have a Wild Native Indian personage type of name Bel? Ya know, like I were a'norrible member of the tribe or summat!"
"A'norrible member? Ya means an honorary member ya dippy owd dip shit! Wot name would ya want to call yerself then?"
"Dunno really Bel. Just thowt it would be nice. Pr'aps you could think o' summat for me sometime!"
"Alreet lad, I'll have a think about it if it's summat as keeps ya quiet!"
"Ta Bel!"
"Well lad I've checked this bird out and I can't see owt wrong wi' him, burram norra vet. Pr'aps he's just a lazy owd sod that can't be bothered saying all his lines at the reet time!"
"Neh theer's a thowt Bel. I'd never've thowt about thar'in a million years!"
"I know ya wouldn't. Tek him back to where he belongs Crusty. He's not yours to be moidered with anyway and I'll ..........
She'd just turned round as she was speaking to him and caught him with his finger up his nose, almost to the knuckles.
"Don't keep rootin' up that piggy owd snout o' thine. Thi' bluddy finger were up to't th'elbow then! I don't know wot ya keeps finding up theer!"
"Only crows Bel!"
"That's it! Ya wanted a Native American Indian name and that's the perfect solution!"
"Wor'is Bel?"
"Black Crow from the Crow Tribe!"
"Is there such a thing as a Crow Tribe Bel?"
"I'm pretty sure there is bur'if there's nor'owd lad ya can always start yer own!"
"Good idea Bel. I'll tell 'em all at the caff tomorrer tharram an owd Crow!"
"You do lad, you do. Neh get this bird out the back and I'll put that kettle on. I thought ya said ya'd have me tea cooked burra can't smell owt!"
"I know but that's only 'cos I remembered I've not to cook for ya anymore!"
"Good man. I'll have a search through yer cupboards while yer outside, now get gone!"
-oo0oo-
She ransacked his freezer and found some steaks that she'd bought for him a few weeks previously so set them to defrost in the microwave
He came bounding back in with glee.
"Worra ya cookin' Bel?"
"Steak, burram going to put some potatoes in't th'oven to bake so it'll be a while yet. I'll give that meyt a bluddy good bashing wi't rowling pin when it's defrosted so as it'll be all nice and tender."
Sluuurp!
"Wor'else are we 'avin' wi' it Bel?"
"Ya've got some fresh mushrooms, peppers and onions so I'll fry them up in some butter and with them I'll make us a nice sauce to go on't top. Does it sound alright to you owd lad?"
"Sounds bluddy beltin' that Bel."
"Reet! Well you go and gerra shower and put some nice clean clothes on 'cos if I'm stopping wi' ya for't evening again ya'll have't smell nice. I can't sit in't living room wi' you all neet if ya stinks!"
Reluctantly he agreed so he took himself off and was in the bathroom for almost thirty minutes. A record!
She was sat in the living room reading his Beano when he came back down and he poked his nose round the door. It was the only reading matter she could find and she had to admit that she quite enjoyed it for a change.
"Am ready for inspection Bel."
She looked up when he came in, adjusted her glasses and had a quick puff on her old clay pipe.
"Come on then and gimme a twirl!"
He turned round a few times until he got dizzy so she stood up and made him stand still.
Sniff, sniff!
"Mmm! Ya've done a good job for a change. That's not yer Lyril ya've used though 'cos that stinks worse than you do."
"Yer reet theer Bel. No! I used some o' that nice lemony soap ya got me a few years back. I've still getten three an' a half blocks left!"
She rolled up her eyes and he started snickering.
"Well lad! Yer clothes are clean. Yer feet are clean and everything else smells just fine to me. Now then lad! Our food's ready so let's go into't kitchen and I'll pur'it out on't ...........!"
Whooooooosh!
He split open his baked potato and dropped a huge dollop of margarine into the centre then his eating irons started moving. They were going so fast that just occasionally Bel glimpsed a flash as the light hit the stainless steel.
Three minutes later he'd done and sat back in his chair with a heavy sigh, hands resting on his ever-increasing belly.
"That were bluddy good that were Bel. Ya've not finished yet owd lass! Yer a slow eater aren't ya? I'll put that keckle on for a nice cup o' tea shall I?"
"Good idea lad, and ya can start washing up while ya've nowt else't do!"
Sulk!
He did as he was told and fifteen minutes later Bel put her knife and fork down, also emitting a huge sigh.
"Yer reet Crusty. It was bluddy good that. I've decided not to bother with that diet anymore owd lad. I'm like you in one way. I enjoy me grub too much!"
"Neh that's summat to celebrate owd lass bur'ave nowt in for sup. Can we have a nice bockle o' wine or three for later?"
"Yeh! I'll let me bally go down then I'll nip to't th'off licence but we're not opening 'em till just after nine! I likes the sun to be over't yardarm before I starts supping!"
"Fair enough owd lass. I'll just get the rest o' these pots washed up and pur'away so as we can seckle down for't neet. Is there owt good on't telly?"
"Well there's Emmerdale on at seven and then after that we'll scan through't channels to see wot's on!"
"Brilliant. I luvs Hammingdale. I hope there's summat proper on for a change!"
Bel popped round to the off licence as promised and bought three bottles of Claret and some nibbles for Pigmy Nibbleswick, crisps, nuts etc, then returned to 13 Bakewell Drive.
They watched their favourite soap and then just after eight there was a knock on Crusty's front door.
"Are ya expecting anybody owd lad?"
"No Bel, I never expecticate anyone. I don't get many callers!"
"I wonder why!"
He got up and went to answer it and there stood the three stooges, Alfred the Geek, Billy the Bonker and Frankie "Fingers" Fogarty.
"Neh then Crusty owd lad. See who we've bumped into!"
Bel heard such a commotion of squealing in the hallway. She got up and started to move toward the living room door when suddenly it was flung open.
Alfred, Billy and Frankie rushed in and an excited Crusty followed them.
"Bel, Bel, look who it is Bel?"
"Oh aye. Hiya lads!"
"No Bel, I don't mean this lot. Just look who it is!"
"Who is it this time owd fettler?"
A funny little chap followed Crusty into the room and Bel's eyes watered up when she saw him.
He was a small round fat man with a red face, silver hair and sported a silver Jimmy Edwards handle-bar moustache. He was immaculately dressed and wore a cravat at his throat and a fob watch in his yellow check waistcoat.
"Well? Who is it?"
"This is Goofy Godfrey Bel!"
"Wot's a Goofy Godfrey when it's a'wom?"
"It's another owd mate Bel!"
"Oh no! Nor'another one! Wot does he do?"
"Ya'll never guess!"
"Then ya'd best tell me!"
"He can fart God Save the Queen! I'll ger'im't do a demonstration!"
"Oh joy!"
Mollie Matthews
Copyright 2005 Mollie Matthews All rights reserved.
Note: No part of this story can be reproduced in any way without the author's written permission. All rights remain with the author.
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