Everyone knows that a  Bar Mitzvah is the coming of age ceremony that Jewish boys go through when they reach the age of 13.

WRONG!

According to Jewish law, when a boy is 13 he is old enough to take responsibility for his own religious life. He  is obligated to keep the commandments and can now take a full part in religious rituals. The phrase Bar Mitzvah (it's Aramaic) means Son of the Commandment. It is not a ceremony so much as a state of being. A boy automatically becomes Bar Mitzvah when he reaches 13 - with or without any ceremony. When a child becomes Bar Mitzvah his / her father will say a prayer thanking G-d for relieving him of the burden of responsibility for his child.

Traditionally girls reach the same stage at the age of 12. They become Bat Mitzvah (It's usually pronounced But Mitzvah). Ashkenazi Jews are more likely to call it Bas (pronounced Bus) Mitzvah.

Being Bar or Bat Mitzvah does not make a child a full adult member of the community (for instance, they cannot yet marryand would not normally be expected to begin earning a living for several years yet). Nor it does not mark the end of his/her Jewish education. Jewish law and custom requires us to make the study of Torah a lifelong pursuit.

The most important thing that a person can do once they become Bar/Bat Mitzvah is share in reading the Torah in public. (In orthodox communities, where men and women are seen as having different religious rites and responsibilites, only men read from the Torah in public). In most modern Jewish communities a Bar Mitzvah's first aliyah (being called to read from the Torah) is seen as an occasion for a major celebration. It is this first aliyah which is the visible rite of passage for a Jewish boy or girl and is generally followed by a major party for family and friends. The whole thing is usually referred to as a "Bar Mitzvah". Celebrating a first aliyah in this way is quite a new thing. It has been part of Jewish life for less than 200 years.

For the modern Jewish youngster and his/her family though, the Bar Mitzvah is a really important event.

For the child it means months of study and preparation. It is a nerve wracking, yet exciting day. As you sit in the synagogue wearing your new tallit, you feel the eyes of the congregation watching you. It's a full house, of course, far more people than usual. All your far-flung aunts, uncles and cousins have turned up, so have the neighbours and a lot of other people you've never seen before in your life (probably your parents' friends and work colleagues). You wait nervously to be called for your "performance" (but you are nowhere near as nervous as your parents!).

You are not just going to be called to share in the reading by reciting the blessings and watching while the Rabbi reads, but you're  actuallygoing to sing it yourself (to the traditional cantillation melodies), reading from the unpointed text in the Torah scroll (which is not at all easy).

You might also be going to read the week's Haphtarah , which is a reading from one of the books of the Prophets which reflects the week's Torah reading. (In some communities this is sung in Hebrew to a different set of melodies, in others it is read in English). you could also be leading part of the rest of the shabbat service, too.

At the end of the service the family will usually make a kiddush for the congregation. Every shabbat service ends with kiddush (the sharing of wine and bread) but the Bar Mitzvah kiddush will be a buffet with both savoury and sweet dishes. This maybe followed by a luncheon for invited guests. In more orthodox communities the main party is likely to be on the following day (after Shabbat has ended).

During the party there will be speeches. (The Bar Mitzvah traditionally announces that "Today I am a man / woman"). There will be presents - money, of course (it goes straight into the bank "for when you are older"), useful grown up things like religious books, pens and brief cases (there is a famous story of the boy who announced "Today I am a fountain pen"), and with any luck, lots of the sort of things that 13 year olds actually want.

For a Jew, your Bar Mitzvah is a day that you never forget - but it doesn't compare with your child's Bar Mitzvah!