Biscuit Shop Boy

May 16th '98 - BISCUIT SHOP BOY

I have become a trainee salesman in a local biscuit shop. Let me tell you, it’s awful being the new boy. If it weren’t tradition, I would have sued overmy treatment by now.

At the end of my first day the other guys in the shop told me to wait in the stock room where I would get a "shark surprise". I was expecting my pay packet, but they opened the door and threw in a couple of half - staved basking sharks, and slammed it shut. I was bitten in my left leg. And also in my right leg.

May 18th '98 - BISCUIT SHOP BOY

As trainee in a local biscuit shop it is my job to suffer abuse from other members of staff. As we were closing up last night a couple of the guys rapped me round the back of the head with a packet of digestives, and called me "Digestive boy".

I tried to laugh it off, but those biscuits are really sharp, and cut my head. Also I was about to leave when I discovered that they’d filled my satchel with bourbons and nice biscuits. I don’t need this.

May 19th '98 - BISCUIT SHOP BOY

Being the new boy in a biscuit shop is the worst thing ever. The blokes who work in biscuit shops are little more than lecherous Neanderthals in overalls.

Yesterday they made me deal with a customer who was returning a packet of custard creams after discovering the biscuits were broken. I was terrified when the customer started firing a shotgun at the floor, but just plain angry when the customer was revealed as a colleague in disguise. You see, they were playing another prank on me.

May 20th '98 - BISCUIT SHOP BOY

Last night the blokes I work with thought it would be funny to burn my clothes - mostly gifts from relatives - and lock me in the biscuit shop over night.

I tried to draw attention of customers by rapping on the window with a packet of digestives, while hiding my modesty with a couple of bourbons, but I only managed to attract a crowd of journalists who mistook me for an avent-garde-performance artist. This morning’s local paper read : "Nude bisc show was excellent entertainment: 4/5".

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