Changing Rooms

November 15th '99 - CHANGING ROOMS

I've got a new job now as a TV interior designer. But my agent says that I need to work on my exterior presentation if I'm to have a long and lucrative career in televisual DIY. He has suggested I establish a personality gimmick - similar to to the foppish persona of LL Bowen, or the yobbyness of H Andy.

To this end, I have changed my name to Cowboy du Pont, and taken to wearing a cowboy outfit made entirely out of coarse wallpaper. I intend to make my designs a little bit wacky, with post-nouveau cuisine modernism.

November 16th '99 - CHANGING ROOMS

Being a presenter on a show which is a bit like Changing Rooms is great. I get to go into people's houses, and rifle through their drawers while they're outside stapling some foam to a load of MDF.

Yesterday I found 20 quid in the back pocket of some bloke's trousers, a gold watch in his bedside cabinet, and a revolting signet ring in a box on his dressing table. Of course, I didn't steal any of it. But it was useful to know it was there if I run out of fags and booze.

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